Originally Posted by
transformyself 
Yesterday I told AH I am divorcing him. That we would let a judge decide if he can have the kids, because he wont' stop drinking. I felt, if you read my post, crystal clear and solid about what I and the kids need. Ready
I sent him an email while he was at work and he called me freaking out for an hour. I was on a conference call and he kept demanding I hang up and talk to him, that I not take the kids away from him.
I shouldn't have sent it to him while he was at work, but wasn't thinking. We had several conversations last night, none of them very productive. Last night I dreamt I found three used condoms in the garbage and when I asked him about them he laughed at me. I've had dreams like that about AH for years.
This morning I got this email:
It's like a switch has been thrown inside of me and now I'm fighting hysteria, feeling abandoned and panicking, trying to figure out what I did wrong and why HE'S LEAVING ME. WTF!?!
At least I have the intellectual capacity now to see the stark difference between how I felt yesterday and how I'm triggered today.
Cunning baffling and powerful I tell ya. That's the only possible explanation.
Originally Posted by
transformyself And oh yes, playing on my abandonment fears has paid off handsomely for that man. God I hate him.
*******. **** that guy.
I"m SO glad I can come here and process. I feel ready to get on with my life again! Round 5,098 down, only 40 more to go.
And I"m grateful for the automatic asterik out my swear words program...
Dear transformy,
I have read all your posts since you joined SR. Oh, maybe I missed 1 or 2...
Although I know it is painful I am happy that you decided to divorce the man. How would a flower open up to its splendor during acid rain?
I have witnessed your stress and exhaustion, and frustration.
I only know the man through you and I don't see anything changing for him.
But you transformy, you have grown up SO MUCH, and sometimes that means to be the observer, to let reality be clear to you, even when it is sad. You are doing it already and moving forward into action. Hats off to you!
I am also shocked when I realize the depth of my abandonment and how much love, attention, PROTECTION, I have lacked. No wonder I ran away-I am also having AHA moments very often.... and nightmares, too... my mom is going through the same, its all about healing.
Here are some hugs (((((((TRANSFORM))))))))))))
PS
Let me try to translate his words.............
I want to avoid confrontation.
I am all about avoidance. Especially avoidance of consequences and situations that might make me feel uncomfortable. Been doing that all my life. And alcohol, women, etc. help a great deal. You are abandonment? I am avoidance. The difference is that you admit your issue and heal it- I am still deep in denial about mine.
You are threatening to keep my boys from me.
Maybe if I call you a BAD HEARTLESS MOTHER I can guilt-trip you enough for you not to see my faults, absence, addiction, defects, mistakes, etc.
That's fact.
Facts are facts only when its convenient for me.
We are not happy together.
I am not happy.
That's all.
If there are issues its due to the combination of the two of us; maybe it will work with someone else without the need for me to do any self introspection, as I alone bear no responsibility.
I don't want to feel our issues anymore.
Please leave me alone so I get another enabler.