transformyself

Thanks everyone. Really.

I sorted it out. This is only about my fear of abandonment. It's so strong, I'm amazed. I think it's time to pick up my book about healing my abandonment again. It was powerful work. I worked on it over the winter, but haven't been paying attention to it.

My AH is a ******* brilliant passive aggressive drunk. it's like war, honestly, and most of the time I just want to be rid of it all. I've found out how to do that over the past year, through the program, detaching and making my life better. I thought I was strong enough to not get hooked back into the very sick dance and I guess honestly I haven' because I'm not communicating any of this to him, just myself and you guys.


I don't know how sincerely "codependent" I am because so much of the things LTD posed to not apply to me- all though I appreciate you posting it and trying to answer my what the hell is wrong with me question . I've read it regularly, honestly, over the years and to be honest, this
makes no sense to me. While I have certianly been resentful when AH woudln't change, all the other language about just wanting to help, being forever willing to help out and doing things for others and especially not being appreciated for meddling in others business have never been a part of my life. These readings have always confused me.

yes, I am resentful when AH wouldn't stop drinking, but the more therapy I've received the more I've learned that it's really been deep ACOA abadonenment and rejection issues, which probably is the same core reasons codies behave the way they do, but for me it's manifested in controlling behavior, not because I want to be helpful or recognized, but because I'm so freaking afraid of abandonment and rejection.

Why then, you ask, did I seek out a man who has clearly, from day one, wanted nothing to do with me? Why did I chased him and get pregnant?

At that time, I wasn't aware of these internal dynamics. I couldn't stop myself from chasing someone who doesn't want me. Someone who pays more attention to other women. I was acting out my very sick abusive childhood. Yummy.

He's left me three times and had sex with other women, the last one as I was finally getting ready to leave him, so that twisted the game beautifully. Moved down the street with her, living in bliss and insisting he was "in love," with the woman of his dreams- a homeless alcoholic who worked with him. When I filed for divorce in August 2008, he wanted to come home. Wanted to rebuild our marriage. I had done so much work on myself! I was a real catch.

But reuniting solved that problem. I became a pathetic, terrified shell of my former self. it makes me sick to think of that person now. Only by leaving him again, working as hard as I could on my own recovery, have I found true happiness. Enough to think I am strong enough to finally end this mess.

The worst part is how ashamed I am that I choose such a pathetic, disengaged, manipulative drunk to have children with. If I had it all to do over, outside of me acting out my sick unresolved childhood issues, I would NOT pick this person to procreate with.

So now that I know it's abandonment, it's a little easier. The book taught me some techniques for dealing with that. Also, its PTSD from my childhood and his affairs, triggered into this highly anxious state that keep me terrified and waiting for the next horrific thing to happen.

Good news: My amazing, beautiful, rock star sister is driving here right now with her 9 year old son. I miss her so much. She is brilliant and wise and is the one person I know loves me. I trust her utterly and she will be here for a month. I'll try to attach a picture of us, but never can figure that stuff out.

Help, and sanity i hope, is on the way.