I think the drama triangle is in Co-Dependent No More too and it also really hit home for me when I first read it. I could see the triangle in several relationships and I am not a 'needy' person either. I'm seen as quite the opposite but my independence is really a dysfunctional coping mechanism (ie codependent behavior) that prevents intimacy in order to protect the very vulnerable inner person that doesn't come out to play - ever. There is a lot of fear and no trust (in anyone not even always in myself) in that kind of independence.
Transform - I totally get what you are saying. I had same/similar experiences. I wish I had some insight for you but not so much. Will share a little.
I promised myself I would move forward with plans and move on things I thought in my head, things I knew - not the crazy stuff I was feeling. Eventually I went pretty much no contact (except about kids or necessary logistics) and just quit engaging in or pursuing the discussions. I got off the merry go round and refused to step back on. I wish I could say the crazy feelings just stopped but that merry go round goes fast! and I was dizzy for awhile. It was a physical feeling of panic like you describe. I was so afraid of making a mistake (I was paralyzed for some time because of that fear) and I was afraid of his feelings. Not him, his feelings. It scared me (massive understatement!) to do something that made him so mad/sad/whatever. That is my brand of codependency. I'm not like that with everyone but I was with him.
I separated codependency feelings from healthy thoughts. My codependency feelings are really just that - physical feelings and sensations accompanied by some fear based spinning 'tapes' I played in my head. Often these were in direct opposition of what my smart girl self knew and it made me nuts (fueled my wishful thinking fantasy). The healthy thoughts were those things that were not 'tapes'. The healthy thoughts were logical, reality based, and made sense intellectually. They were not spinning. I had the help of a counselor and SR at that time. The awareness gave me the strength and information to separate them out and move forward with the healthy thoughts and not the codependent feelings/tapes.
You are much further along in your recovery then I was when I filed for divorce (or even now!) so a lot of that was preaching to the choir. You have that awareness already. I guess I'm just sharing so you know you are not alone. I wish there was a way to banish those feelings. I think that sometimes there is no way to recover enough to not have them - we just get strength to get through them. Having survived the situation gives us more experience etc to handle life's next stage with less pain. I hope!