stoptheworld

Hi,

I've only just signed up and this is my first post. I really need some help and advice. My boyfriend has had a drug problem to some degree from years before we first met (we have been together for 3 years) but I guess I was too naive to realise that it was a problem. Before I met him, I hadn't tried any sort of drug and obviously in the beginning he lied about his use as he didn't want to scare me off. I realised pretty early on that he was unable to go a day without smoking weed and that he had lied to me to cover it up. He got over that and even gave up cigarettes when we first met and I was really proud of him. We both used to do things occasionally on rare nights out, but it's not something I would consider to be a problem.

All this changed when he tried ketamine. As someone with a tendency towards depression, a lack of self-esteem and a distressing childhood, it seemed to be his ideal drug. It reached a stage when we lived together that I started to get hooked as well, as it was impossible for me to leave and I was depressed at the time and found myself unable to resist it when it was there. We muddled along for nearly a year like that, with periods of moderately heavy use interspersed with months of enforced sobriety. Our home flooded and after things getting better, that seemed to really set him off. A few months after that I had to go away to uni (we're both 21), and then it all spiralled out of control. I haven't touched ketamine in a year, basically the time that we have been living apart, and I'm much happier for it and haven't even been tempted. I've never really wanted it in my life and have always felt that it's a potentially evil drug, but my flaw is that it's hard to spend time with someone who's on something when you're sober yourself and I had no real way to escape it.

Since I've been gone, he has managed to rack up £1000s of debt, hasn't found a job, has lied through his teeth and stolen money off me as well as family members. Each time he's caught out, he says he hates it and wants to change and to be with me, that he regrets ever trying drugs etc. But then he alternates and says that the only reason there is a problem with his drug use is that he can't afford it and that it hurts other people, I worry that him wanting to get better is just an act. He acts as though his current use is problematic but that if he can use stuff (including k!!) in moderation, then what's the problem. It's pretty clear that he can't do things in moderation, especially things like alcohol, weed and ketamine. In his own words, "I'm happiest when I'm f***ed."

It's really hard, I love him so much and want to be there to support him and help him get his life on track but he puts such little effort into being with me that I'm starting to wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle? I've been having a hard time myself with lots of things going on in my life at the minute, I was severely depressed and on antidepressants for about 7 months which really screwed me up and being off them now, I'm finding it harder to cope than I expected. Just finding it hard to keep myself going, let alone having to be there for someone else all the time as well. It feels like I'm drowning and I can't think of a way out of it anymore.

He's on a list for counselling and a drug addiction centre (just advice, not rehab) but I'm worried that it's not really what he wants. I've begun to realise that I can't force him to change and I can't make him better but it's SO HARD.

Sorry this is so long, I don't want to write too much so if you want any other details just ask. I don't actually know why I've written this and what I'm hoping for? I just needed to get out how I've been feeling. We're going on a break with no contact for a week and I think part of me is scared that he'll enjoy being without me and not having someone check up on him. I guess I just want some advice on how to detach slightly but still be there for him? I don't know, any advice is welcome.

Thanks for reading xx