Help please? Don't know what to do anymore.

Old 07-04-2011, 05:26 AM
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Unhappy Help please? Don't know what to do anymore.

Hi,

I've only just signed up and this is my first post. I really need some help and advice. My boyfriend has had a drug problem to some degree from years before we first met (we have been together for 3 years) but I guess I was too naive to realise that it was a problem. Before I met him, I hadn't tried any sort of drug and obviously in the beginning he lied about his use as he didn't want to scare me off. I realised pretty early on that he was unable to go a day without smoking weed and that he had lied to me to cover it up. He got over that and even gave up cigarettes when we first met and I was really proud of him. We both used to do things occasionally on rare nights out, but it's not something I would consider to be a problem.

All this changed when he tried ketamine. As someone with a tendency towards depression, a lack of self-esteem and a distressing childhood, it seemed to be his ideal drug. It reached a stage when we lived together that I started to get hooked as well, as it was impossible for me to leave and I was depressed at the time and found myself unable to resist it when it was there. We muddled along for nearly a year like that, with periods of moderately heavy use interspersed with months of enforced sobriety. Our home flooded and after things getting better, that seemed to really set him off. A few months after that I had to go away to uni (we're both 21), and then it all spiralled out of control. I haven't touched ketamine in a year, basically the time that we have been living apart, and I'm much happier for it and haven't even been tempted. I've never really wanted it in my life and have always felt that it's a potentially evil drug, but my flaw is that it's hard to spend time with someone who's on something when you're sober yourself and I had no real way to escape it.

Since I've been gone, he has managed to rack up £1000s of debt, hasn't found a job, has lied through his teeth and stolen money off me as well as family members. Each time he's caught out, he says he hates it and wants to change and to be with me, that he regrets ever trying drugs etc. But then he alternates and says that the only reason there is a problem with his drug use is that he can't afford it and that it hurts other people, I worry that him wanting to get better is just an act. He acts as though his current use is problematic but that if he can use stuff (including k!!) in moderation, then what's the problem. It's pretty clear that he can't do things in moderation, especially things like alcohol, weed and ketamine. In his own words, "I'm happiest when I'm f***ed."

It's really hard, I love him so much and want to be there to support him and help him get his life on track but he puts such little effort into being with me that I'm starting to wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle? I've been having a hard time myself with lots of things going on in my life at the minute, I was severely depressed and on antidepressants for about 7 months which really screwed me up and being off them now, I'm finding it harder to cope than I expected. Just finding it hard to keep myself going, let alone having to be there for someone else all the time as well. It feels like I'm drowning and I can't think of a way out of it anymore.

He's on a list for counselling and a drug addiction centre (just advice, not rehab) but I'm worried that it's not really what he wants. I've begun to realise that I can't force him to change and I can't make him better but it's SO HARD.

Sorry this is so long, I don't want to write too much so if you want any other details just ask. I don't actually know why I've written this and what I'm hoping for? I just needed to get out how I've been feeling. We're going on a break with no contact for a week and I think part of me is scared that he'll enjoy being without me and not having someone check up on him. I guess I just want some advice on how to detach slightly but still be there for him? I don't know, any advice is welcome.

Thanks for reading xx
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:41 AM
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Sounds like you've taken some good steps for ypurself so far. Take this week to explore this site and many of its wonderful resourses. Detaching is very hard but your find that the longer you are able to do this the better you will feel.
Blessings for your journey.
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:53 AM
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Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us and I hope you find the answers you are looking for....although I'll warn you now.....they may not be the answers you are hoping to hear.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It does not get better. It gets worse. It can be "arrested" but that is entirely up to the addict. Nothing we can do or say will make them stop until or unless they want to. It's just the way the disease works.

Many times an addict will continue to use because we (the codependent) will enable them to do so without realizing that that is what we are doing! In fact, we're doing what we THINK will help them stop but, in reality, we are only making it easier for them to continue using. It is a very baffling disease and it sucks everyone around the addict into the dance. That is why it is called a family disease.

If you truly want to understand addiction, stick around. There are so many people here on SR who have been dealing with the disease in their lives for a very long time and there is an amazing amount of collective wisdom on this forum.

Personally, I found help in the rooms of Naranon and Alanon. Some have found it in CoDA or other support groups. And most of us would recommend a book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beatty......just so that you can see if you fit the mold for classically codependent.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:00 AM
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Thanks, I'm doing my best but it's hard to know what the right thing to do is or if I'm giving up on him by trying to take a step back? I feel like if he just does something because he's "forced" to then a part of him will always resist it and be resentful?
I don't really know what I'm doing, I don't know what to do for the best or if I'm just making things worse by putting too much pressure on him. I feel like the most my friends have to worry about is whether or not they've done well on an exam. It feels like I have so much to deal with compared to so many people my age and I just feel like I'm crumbling and can't handle it anymore. Thanks for the kind words, this site is definitely helping as it's not really something I can talk to people about and I don't know anyone else going through something similar. x
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:06 AM
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Kindeyes, I've only just seen your response.
I've never posted on a forum before so I'm unsure how to respond to specific posts.
I know exactly what you're talking about, it is definitely a hard thing to face up to that they won't just get "fixed" or "better". I've looked up things about codependency and so many things I've done in the past are definitely classed as enabling. That's why I'm trying to break that cycle but it's very hard. I'm studying psychology and we've done some modules on drugs and addiction, so I do understand that lots of it is down to changes in his brain chemistry and I've done lots of research on potential risk factors for addiction. It's hard though because no matter how much I try to understand it, there'll always be a part of me that feels like if he wanted to badly enough, he could stop. Or if he loved me enough, this wouldn't be happening. But I know that's a ridiculous way to think about it.

I'm really grateful that everyone here seems so nice, I really really appreciate it xx
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:10 AM
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Stoptheworld, welcome to SR!

It is hard to break the cycle of codependency, but also very possible.

There is a lot of good information at the top of this forum in the sticky topics. Educate yourself as much as possible.

Look into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand. Alanon tends to be more widely available.

Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She has a series of books on codependency.

Another book I recommend is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

We become as addicted to the addict as the addict is to the drugs.

Recovery is possible and I have faith you will do great in your own journey of recovery from codependency!

I hope you continue to post and know that you are among friends!
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:31 AM
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Thanks, I think you're right in that I should do more research on codependency and work on my own issues, instead of trying to fix his. We're going on a break with no contact at the minute for at least a week, and hopefully that will help us both see things a bit more clearly. It's so difficult though!! I can't help wondering what he's doing and hoping he's ok. But like many people on this forum have said to me, he needs to be ready to get better himself and no amount of pushing from me will really change things in the long run. He said he's going to get help, I'll just have to hope that he follows through with it. Do you think not contacting each other is a good thing to do? x
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:45 AM
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I had to go no contact with my EXAH because every time I talked to him, I was in an emotional tail spin for days. He never did grab onto recovery, despite going through rehab shortly before I went (I'm also a recovering addict/alkie).

I also have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction and my contact with her is very limited. I'd have no contact with her at all but my 15-year-old granddaughter lives with her.

I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, including my daughter's.

Life's too short!
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Old 07-04-2011, 03:32 PM
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You sound like a really strong person. I'll work hard to be a bit more like you and be a bit more detached. It doesn't feel like there's much to be gained by being sucked down into someone else's addiction. Are those your dogs? They're really cute Especially Shiloh! I miss having pets x
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by stoptheworld View Post
You sound like a really strong person. I'll work hard to be a bit more like you and be a bit more detached. It doesn't feel like there's much to be gained by being sucked down into someone else's addiction. Are those your dogs? They're really cute Especially Shiloh! I miss having pets x
It's taken years and a lot of work to get to where I am today, for sure.

Yes, those are all my dogs, and thanks for the compliment!
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:58 AM
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Back when my daughter was active in her addicition, I was obsessed with it and her. Looking back, the more time and energy I focused on her and her problems, the less I focused on my own. Rather convenient, eh.

Take the drugs out of this for a moment and ask yourself why it's been acceptable to you to stay in some sort of a relationship with someone who will not work, can't cope with life as it is, lies and steals from you and others.

I mean, what's in it for you? We codependents get hooked on being needed and feeling that we can control/cure other people. If all it took was love, none of us would be here.
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:57 AM
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I guess it's because I love him so much that I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning him? That the lying and everything else is because of his addiction and that it's nothing personal and that if he sorts out his problems then all that stuff will just go away?

Even just typing that looks so stupid and deluded.
Just so confused. Today is a bad day. I think I must rely on him in some way as well because I've been really depressed lately. I don't want to be like this anymore.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by stoptheworld View Post
I guess it's because I love him so much that I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning him? That the lying and everything else is because of his addiction and that it's nothing personal and that if he sorts out his problems then all that stuff will just go away?

Even just typing that looks so stupid and deluded.
Just so confused. Today is a bad day. I think I must rely on him in some way as well because I've been really depressed lately. I don't want to be like this anymore.
You're not abandoning him. There is plenty of help out there for addicts! I certainly found it!

The drug usage is just a symptom. Thinking that if they just stop using and everything will be fine isn't realistic.

My disease is threefold-physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual. If I don't address all three areas, I will use again guaranteed.

Recovery is hard work, and sometimes people don't change even if they quit. They are still a$$holes. I've been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, and I've seen it happen.

Have you checked into any Alanon meetings yet?
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:13 AM
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Yeah I know that really, some days I can look at things in a more rational way than others though. I really want to start going to meetings, but I'm in a bit of a state of limbo at the minute. I'm abroad with family and I don't have a stable address until late August. I was supposed to be going to stay with him for a bit in 2 weeks or so until I have somewhere to live but I'm trying to sort out other arrangements with friends because things feel too up in the air. I thought he hadn't touched it for months so the fact that he's still struggling with it and that he's been lying for so long has kind of thrown me It's just hard not knowing what's going on with anything.
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Old 07-07-2011, 10:50 PM
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Stoptheworld:
Your love for him will have you to believe that you should be there and see him through this. I was recently in your shoes in March of this year. I choose to leave my ex and while it was and still is hard to deal with at times, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself. I will say that in choosing to be without him you are choosing yourself. You don't deserve to subject yourself to his addiction and all that it entails (lies, stealing, deceit). He has to make the choice to get clean and be committed to it himself. He cannont be the partner you want him to be in the state that he is in. Hugs!!!
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