So afraid
Hi, all - I'm the middle-aged mom of a son who can't seem to get off the hydrocodone, Soma, and Xanax. I'm probably a large part of his problem - he is 31 and I've spent the last 10 years bailing him out of one thing or another in an effort to "help" - and I guess I've known a long time I wasn't helping at all, but I just thought "one more time will do the trick".
Son was involved in a major car wreck 10 years ago and definitely did some damage to his spine, but at some point I think he forgot to get over that. It has been 10 long years - I've done everything. I've helped with apartments, got him into a great college ad then moved him back when that wasn't the answer...even helped him find a doctor for his pain even though I secretly doubted the severity of it. He can't or won't hold down a job...he's had 2 jobs within the last 6 weeks and lost one on a pee test and one for never being able to get to work on time.
His girlfriend, who is absolutely wonderful, called me yesterday. Son has been taking the pills but not telling her. She has problems within her own family and is kind of a pill Nazi. They had a fight over the weekend...she had known but didn't know for sure until she found the bottles. She told him she would not put herself and her child through this. She called me yesterday - she didn't know I suspected we were back on the long road. I had hoped I was wrong and figured they were grown ups and she would know more than I - but I surely did suspect even before I knew about the job losses. Long story short, he now knows we have talked. And he's pretty much disowned both of us - he's telling her it's her fault that his family won't have anything to do with him (completely untrue) and he's telling me that if I hadn't talked to her they wouldn't be broken up - my fault. It's always someone's fault but never his.
I've read the posts - he's doing everything - the guilt, "how could you betray me", making vague threats about suicide...I do believe him when he says he hates himself, but I don't know why - when he's straight he's just a delightful guy, but he says he doesn't like that guy even though everyone else does.
I'm at my wits' end. My 79 year old father is coming to live with me and has a personal situation that is just taking up a lot of time. I am ashamed to admit that I just don't have the time, energy, or patience to deal with someone who chooses to slam back pills. I truly believe I have done everything in this world I could do to straighten this out and get him back on the right track. I'm exhausted, I'm hurt, and I'm scared out of my mind. It is usually the fear and the promise of "no more" that gets to me and I cave.
Son has been house-sitting. As of tomorrow he will be officially homeless since his girlfriend put him out. I don't want him here right now - I just feel a little fragile...on the other hand, I'm his mom (yes, I know you have all heard that before :-) I offered to go with him to NA or get him into rehab, which just set off a storm. If I let him come in the house, he will stay up all night, sleep all day, and he WILL end up wearing me down and running a con on me - I know that - but if I don't let him come home, at least put a roof over his head, I'll feel like I'm probably the worst excuse for a parent there could possibly be.
I've read some of the parent stories, articles and comments - and I see myself in almost every one. I'd like to go to a Nar Anon meeting, but I'm in a very small town and the closest meeting is 100 miles away. My husband works 180 miles away, and my older son is in Atlanta. So it's basically me dealing with the mess - I'm tired, I'm stressed out, it all feels so futile and like a merry-go-round, and I guess I want someone to tell me I'm not crazy...that this really is what it is. Every time, I can tell when he's taking pills, or over-taking them - he sort of stutters and it sounds like he has something stuck in his throat - and every time he convinces me I'm over the top and suspicious and that he's only taking the pills on a scheduled basis...but I pretty much know better.
I guess I don't know who needs the most help, him or me - but I know I'm ready for a change....I just don't know how to let go.