Scrabble57

Hi, all - I'm the middle-aged mom of a son who can't seem to get off the hydrocodone, Soma, and Xanax. I'm probably a large part of his problem - he is 31 and I've spent the last 10 years bailing him out of one thing or another in an effort to "help" - and I guess I've known a long time I wasn't helping at all, but I just thought "one more time will do the trick".

Son was involved in a major car wreck 10 years ago and definitely did some damage to his spine, but at some point I think he forgot to get over that. It has been 10 long years - I've done everything. I've helped with apartments, got him into a great college ad then moved him back when that wasn't the answer...even helped him find a doctor for his pain even though I secretly doubted the severity of it. He can't or won't hold down a job...he's had 2 jobs within the last 6 weeks and lost one on a pee test and one for never being able to get to work on time.

His girlfriend, who is absolutely wonderful, called me yesterday. Son has been taking the pills but not telling her. She has problems within her own family and is kind of a pill Nazi. They had a fight over the weekend...she had known but didn't know for sure until she found the bottles. She told him she would not put herself and her child through this. She called me yesterday - she didn't know I suspected we were back on the long road. I had hoped I was wrong and figured they were grown ups and she would know more than I - but I surely did suspect even before I knew about the job losses. Long story short, he now knows we have talked. And he's pretty much disowned both of us - he's telling her it's her fault that his family won't have anything to do with him (completely untrue) and he's telling me that if I hadn't talked to her they wouldn't be broken up - my fault. It's always someone's fault but never his.

I've read the posts - he's doing everything - the guilt, "how could you betray me", making vague threats about suicide...I do believe him when he says he hates himself, but I don't know why - when he's straight he's just a delightful guy, but he says he doesn't like that guy even though everyone else does.

I'm at my wits' end. My 79 year old father is coming to live with me and has a personal situation that is just taking up a lot of time. I am ashamed to admit that I just don't have the time, energy, or patience to deal with someone who chooses to slam back pills. I truly believe I have done everything in this world I could do to straighten this out and get him back on the right track. I'm exhausted, I'm hurt, and I'm scared out of my mind. It is usually the fear and the promise of "no more" that gets to me and I cave.

Son has been house-sitting. As of tomorrow he will be officially homeless since his girlfriend put him out. I don't want him here right now - I just feel a little fragile...on the other hand, I'm his mom (yes, I know you have all heard that before :-) I offered to go with him to NA or get him into rehab, which just set off a storm. If I let him come in the house, he will stay up all night, sleep all day, and he WILL end up wearing me down and running a con on me - I know that - but if I don't let him come home, at least put a roof over his head, I'll feel like I'm probably the worst excuse for a parent there could possibly be.

I've read some of the parent stories, articles and comments - and I see myself in almost every one. I'd like to go to a Nar Anon meeting, but I'm in a very small town and the closest meeting is 100 miles away. My husband works 180 miles away, and my older son is in Atlanta. So it's basically me dealing with the mess - I'm tired, I'm stressed out, it all feels so futile and like a merry-go-round, and I guess I want someone to tell me I'm not crazy...that this really is what it is. Every time, I can tell when he's taking pills, or over-taking them - he sort of stutters and it sounds like he has something stuck in his throat - and every time he convinces me I'm over the top and suspicious and that he's only taking the pills on a scheduled basis...but I pretty much know better.

I guess I don't know who needs the most help, him or me - but I know I'm ready for a change....I just don't know how to let go.

Ann

Welcome to SR, Scrabbles, you sound about as exhausted and fearful as I was when I landed here over 9 years ago.

My son is an addict who has been in and out of addiction for about 16 years now, I haven't heard from him in over 6 years but know that if he was clean he'd contact us.

I tried everything I knew, I did everything I could, I paid a lot of money and spent most of my time trying to save him. I learned that love can't save them, if it could not one of us would be here.

He lived at home many times and it never once worked out. All it did what bring the darkness and chaos of addiction into my home.

It was hard but I finally had to let go or go down with him. I was sick, mentally and physically, I was exhausted and I lived every moment of every day in fear.

Then I found CoDA, a fellowship much like Al-anon and Nar-anon, and it was as if I had found a lifeline that maybe could help me find my balance and sanity again.

In the end, I gave my son a list of shelters, detox's, rehabs and meetings and said a prayer as he made the choice to ignore the places of recovery and head back to the street where he could use his drug in peace.

Today I get through my days by saying a prayer and letting God take care of my boy. And I live my life well, happy and at peace, and I find joy in every day.

You can find peace too, it may take time and a lot of work, but there are many here who will share what worked for them.

I'm sorry for what brought you here but glad you are walking with us on our journey of recovery and peace.

Welcome.

Hugs

Scrabble57

Thank you, Ann - the problems with my father only recently came to be and I guess I just closed my eyes and hoped for my son...it was all too much to deal with at one time (and I am a very good ostrich). I know he has to make the choice to stop, to decide if he wants a family or his pills. It appears he is going to make the wrong decision yet again. I'm hoping to find a way to turn loose of this in my head and heart. It almost sounds like the few friends I have confided in are encouraging me to turn my back, and I know that's not it - they are encouraging me to follow the steps everyone here on this forum has laid out. And that just goes against every fiber of my being - to say "you're on your own, deal with it" and still be able to say that with all the love I have in my heart. It would be easy to say out of anger and resentment for all the things that have happened, but of course that is not the way.

I just feel lost - I'll continue to read - again, thank you for your reply.

Stupid question - will AA or Al Anon let me into a meeting? Maybe if I understood what the driving force is here I could find my way out of this hole.

peanut21

Welcome Scrabble:
I have to say I am the wife of an addict of all of the meds you mentioned and I see his mom doing the things you describe yourself as doing. All 3 of her sons are addicts (one who recently passed away) and last night my husband was hospitalized and it is not the first time or the only son. She constantly makes excuses and blames everyone but them. She says the same things. I am angry with her since she is not living it and telling me how to deal with it. I know that if she could step back and not always bail them out that they might have been better off. I know she has lied for them to the point when one of her sons was diagnosed with drug induced schitzophrenia that she made herself believe he had been born that way and told everyone that when the Dr was very clear on how he became that way. I know this is hard and you have to do what is right for you and your family but you will make yourself crazy and not help your son by "helping" him. I have seen the affects of that. I sincerely wish you luck and am glad that you were open and honest with your sons girlfreind. Good Luck and keep coming back and reading and let us know how things are going. I pray for you and your situation I know it is very hard as a parent I could not imagine.

MeredithD1

welcome Scrabble. Something useful I've gotten from Al Anon is the 3 C's:

You didn't
Cause it

You can't
Control it

You can't
Cure it.

Your son has to decide between the "medicine" that makes him more ill (alcoholism and drug addiction are progressive diseases; over time, without treatment, they get worse) and the Medicine of recovery that could lead him to a better place.

I understand how sad it is to watch someone you love, continue to choose the bad medicine.

That is where, since it is out of our control, we need to handle what Is in our control; our lives, our choices, our happiness.

And in my experience, AA and Al-Anon would welcome you.

kmangel

For your son to seek help he needs to first need help--and your giving him any help at this point in time is preventing him from needing any help. He and his drug usage are doing just fine with all the handouts that have been passing along to him. Get yourself to Al-Anon and learn some tools to help you to detach from your son. His girlfriend is already doing that and she's to be applauded. Stay out of this for your son's sake. And he will come a calling very soon. Be prepared. You know the truth--all the help you gave your son in the past was for naught. He must face the consequences of his own behavior. To every action there is a consequence--just make sure that the consequences you face are yours and not your son's to face.

Scrabble57

Thank you all so very, very much for your replies - I need all of the encouragement and reinforcement I can get. He will show up full of promises, smiling, and wide-eyed, telling me I'm being silly - that I just panic too quickly (I have this "thing" about alcohol, pills, anything that changes how you act). I know the pattern - and every time I believe him, and every time I get my heart broken all over again. This is the first time I guess I've felt totally exasperated and have a craw full - I just cannot do it anymore. My father didn't choose his situation, Son has...and you are all right - I cannot help anymore. Clearly I am not an effective Helper Bee :-)

I'm reading the stuff on here about detachment. I'm not quite sure how to do this but I will work at it - and tomorrow is an Al-Anon group meeting here, so that's where I'll be on Friday night at 7:00. New experience for me :-) I guess life is a whole series of new experiences....I think I'm ready for this one...I think....I'll try.

kmangel

When we are dealing with an addicted person we have to understand the illness we are dealing with. We first react to our addict/alcoholic as though they are on the same level playing field as we who are not addicted are playing from. We treat them as though they can see things the way we see things and react the way we would react. Wrong! When my husband and I fell on hard times, my parents helped us out and we were grateful. We didn't keep making the same mistakes over and over with our parents "bailing" us out. We learned to make better choices. However, we are not dealing with rational people when our loved one is an alcoholic or addict.

It's not until the A in our life is rock bottom and facing the consequences of their actions head on can any of them reach out and say "Enough of this". For me, our son was living in another state. For the four years he's been away from home, my husband and I were not privy to his digging himself deeper and deeper in the hole he had created. I think that one fact has helped my husband and I stay out of his business. He was allowed to fall in that hole without our interference. When he moved away from home to go back to where he started his drug/alcohol journey, I warned him that he could find himself back where he was as a teenager. My warning didn't stop him. He slipped right back from where he left off--and advanced from where he was when we moved out of state from being a heavy user as a teenager to an addict. God was kind to us, my husband and me, in that we didn't have to watch the decline day by day. We're facing it now, though.

You consider yourself as an "ineffective helper bee". Your efforts to help your son were ineffective, that's true, but only because you didn't truly understand what you were dealing with. You can know now, though. Lots of people here and in Al-Anon know precisely what you are going through. Listen and apply all the wisdom they have to offer and bathe everything you do in prayer. That's what I'm doing because I know that I can't make my son do anything. This is really and truly his battle and only he can fight it.

Freedom1990

The fact that you have Alanon locally is fabulous! I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and Alanon has kept me from losing my mind more than once.

I am so glad you found us here at SR, Scrabble (which is my favorite game, by the way)!

Scrabble57

Is the self-hatred thing common among users? I am so sorry, I feel totally ignorant - I think I've been living in Oz for some time now rather than the reality of Kansas. Son seems so very angry with himself, with the entire world. He is very smart and does have a ton of potential - and when I try to point that out or encourage him, he simply tells me he doesn't want to hear it anymore, I'm his mother, what else am I going to say - that I'll never admit that he's just never going to be anything. I don't feel that way, that's why I can't say it - but I cannot for the life of me figure out where all of this is coming from. He is the younger of 2 boys - the older one, in all fairness, was kind of a Wonder Child - tops in everything - and this one seems determined to go as far the other direction as he can. I can get being jealous, but just hating yourself the way he seems to? That I just don't get - and I don't know if that's him or the pills talking?

NoGround

Scrabble,

The self-hatred thing--you are describing my 26-yr-old AS. Ditto being convinced that he's never going to get anywhere in life, so why try. My theory is that he has a story about himself, which is "my life sucks." And at any point in time when his life is NOT sucking, he will do something self-destructive to make sure that it does suck so as to be consistent with his story.

Someone on SR recommended a book that I also now recommend to you: Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, by Allison Bottke.

kmangel

My son before he went into rehab expressed disappointment in himself--that he was letting everyone down. He said he wanted to be a husband and father someday. He wanted the life he used to have when we first moved here. I think he was coming to terms with some of his dreams that if something didn't change would never come to pass for him again. He was coming to his rock bottom. He didn't blame anyone but himself for his predicament.

That's what needs to happen for your son. He has to accept that he put himself where he is and want to get out. My son thought he could get out on his own, but now realizes through his rehab experience that it's not at all about will power. Your son probably thinks he's weak willed and hates himself for not being able to break free. My son would use that word (weak) to describe himself before rehab. Addictions go way beyond will power. My son recently told me if will power was all that was necessary, everyone in his rehab would already have found their way out of the pit they were in.

I had to take a "crash course" on my son's addiction. It certainly was not anything I expected to have to learn.

Chino

My daughter told me her self hatred came from knowing her character defects. And it was one of them (pride) that kept her from reaching out for real help. All of her character defects had to take her down (hard) before she was willing.

peanut21

Before my brother passed away in November at 29 yrs old and he stated that he hated himself for ruining his relationship with the girl he loved, for not finishing school like he should have because he was not good enough (he got straight A's in College on the Deans List with a 4.0 gpa) and still was not happy with himself. He felt he had let everybody down.
My husband who lost his brother on Christmas Eve says he hates himself because it is his fault his brother died it is his fault for not doing better. He also hates himself and the drugs make him not feel anything. That it is the only way he can deal with things is to not deal with them and not feel them and then he hates himself all the more for doing the drugs.
Both of these men in my life felt the drugs take away all the pain and hurt they are feeling but when they come down they feel it even worse and feel worse for the things they did while they were high so they go and do it again to not feel. It is a vicious cycle they are on and until they learn to deal with things it will not change.

outtolunch

Seriously consider giving this adult child the greatest gift of all, the dignity to experience the full consequences of his choices.

No is a complete sentance. Anything more opens the door to negoitation and you are no match for him.

He is responsible for realizing his own potential or not. It's long past due for this guy to take responsibility for himself.

Also consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's at your library and used copies are available on Amazon.

hope2be

From one ostrich Mom to another:

Hi and welcome to the family.

I too have lived in insanity by turning a blind eye to my AC's self-destructive behavior and ignoring my own bells and whistles going off in my head. I too spent lots of time, energy and money into "curing" them. I still slip and try to "cure" them from time to time. Its still hard to accept that they are my "drug of choice".

I read, read, read on codepency, boundaries, ACOA issues and recently began attending CODA. I too live in a rural area where nearby meetings are practically non-existent. Knowledge is power, but it makes me very uncomfortable because now I have to take my head out of the sand. However, the insanity of oblivion was 10 times worse.

This board has given me tremendous comfort in knowing I am not walking this journey alone. Sometimes, when I get back on the merry-go-round, I come here to re-connect to the real world instead of my "what should be" fantasy life.

Huggs

Scrabble57

All of this makes so much sense...so much. I do realize that I've controlled him in some backhanded way - be or act the way I think you should and I'll "help"...so he learned to act, and act well. Not too well, or I guess my alarms wouldn't have been clanging.

I've read and read these pages - my story, his story - far from unique. I feel somewhat redeemed - I'm not the only mom who tried to hard...and I'm surely not the only mom who is seeing the light and working through it one day at a time.

I have not heard from my son - I am positive I will hear from him tomorrow when he has nowhere to go for the night. I will feed him, no problem - but I'm done with everything else. It IS tough - I don't even want to think about what could happen - then again, this might not be happening at all if I'd simply let him grow up years ago.

I cannot thank everyone enough for helping me find my backbone. I knew all of this, but reading it in black and white has just helped so much...I'm not alone. That is really a huge comfort to me.

Kindeyes

Welcome.........

You have described me and my son to a tee for many years. We do what we do because it's what we thing we are suppose to do. When we learn better, we do better.

I'm glad to hear that you have Alanon meetings closeby. I'm lucky because I do have a Naranon meeting very closeby but I also attend Alanon. The steps, traditions, concepts etc. are the same between the two groups. The readings are very similar. Initially, when I first started going, I didn't "get it". But I was desperate enough (I had reached MY bottom) that I kept going until I DID get it. And I'm so glad I did. My life is immeasurably better now....even though my son continues in active addiction and is homeless.

I am not (and never will be) grateful for my son's disease. But I am very grateful for the lessons I have learned as a direct result of his disease. Alanon/Naranon have taught me lessons that I use in my everyday life. I am learning how to live MY life and not continue to try to control someone else's life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
(God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change)
The courage to change the things I can
(The courage to change the people I can)
And the wisdom to know the difference
(And the wisdom to know it's me)

I must say this little prayer five, ten, twenty times a day (the original version) but the modified version reminds me of what it's "really" saying and I need that reminder regularly.

Again, glad you're getting to an Alanon meeting. They say "it works if you work it". And it does.

gentle hugs
ke

JMFburns

Welcome Scrabble,

I can relate to everything you posted. The love for my son, his wonderful potential, the manipulative way he would convince me I only needed to help him one more time . . . I bought it all - hook, line and sinker because I loved him, because I wanted to believe I could fix "it", fix him, make it all better, etc., etc., etc. . . . yikes, my "bottom" was hard and it hurt when I hit it!

I had given him over $100,000 in one way or another, I had payday loans open all over the place, I was a wreak. NarAnon, AlAnon and Sober Recovery helped me to realize - I CANNOT control him, I am not responsible for him, I need to take care of myself or I was going to be homeless myself!

My son has been in jail (short overnight stints,) he has outstanding warrants now, he has been homeless (living night to night in shelters,) he has been in detox, in and out patient treatment . . . all of it WHILE I was "helping". It didn't help.

I finally said "nope, I'm done". It's not a miracle story, he checked into another detox/inpatient and then went to live at a recovery house. He's been clean for almost 2 years. He still has the warrants to deal with, but that's his problem, not mine. He doesn't have a job and scrapes by on food stamps, odd jobs, etc., etc.

Keep reading, keep posting and welcome.