My screen name pretty sums up how I feel all the time around people and even when I'm alone. I've really gone down with this sinking ship far far into my alcoholism. Lost my job, home, family, friends. Live in a hotel right now. I realized I was an alcoholic several years ago and have tried AA for on and off. I even went to family to get sober and it just didn't work out. I went because they've been through it and I thought they would teach me the steps. I was radiant with hope. Instead it was just a meeting a day and I was completely on my own. I always seem to run into these tough love people at meetings. If only knew how hard it was for me to even try to go but their harsh snappy ways just defeat me and I end up not going back for awhile as I can attain sobriety for fairly large patches of time because I'm a binge drinker. AAers call this expectations. Well, who
doesn't have expectations? I couldn't get to a meeting if I didn't hope (hence expect) that it will be a good meeting and I will feel comfortable enough to find someone to help me. It's like circular thinking. If I could just figure out where they are coming from with their speeches, phrases and what they want me to do - I could do it! I wouldn't take it so personally. But I end up feeling attacked and retreat.
I want to learn the steps. The meetings aren't enough. How to I break into this exclusive club with my shy & panicky personality? Why are the steps such a mystery? I've read them but have no idea how to "work them" as all AAers seem to go on and on about at meetings but then just slap you accross the face (figurativly speaking) with the, "stop thinking about yourself!" "You're not ready" (I got that from my family a lot). Was that suppossed to motivate me to prove them wrong? I just don't understand the mind set. If I could just know where they are coming from and the response they are looking for from me it would take the mystery out of it for me.
Any advice on how to
get into this club (not just go to meetings) would be grately appreciated as I am at a loss and just terified to try again and have them shoot me down. I'm 67 days sober by the way but nothing in my life has changed. Still terrified. Still isolated and very very alone. I will drink again without support and the consequences (as they always are now) will be devestating (i.e. jail or the mental place). I'm a serious binge drinker and rejection and not being treated with kindness is my #1 excuse to drink, hence I have been avoiding AA which is the "medicine" I think I so desperately need but maybe not. Maybe they have just gotten too big to help as they seemed to help so many people in the Big Book stories I have read over and over.
Thanks for listening and I hope the AA people will respond - especially you "tough love" types as I want to know your mind set and what you are hoping to achieve from me - response wise so that I can perform and get in there. I really want in and to be accepted. But I don't want to just get beat up and abused. I'm very good at doing that all by myself.
