jamaicamecrazy

I did it to myself-I know, But sometimes I think I just need that slap in the face reality check. I know everything that was said was quacking and I even laughed out loud a few times but some of the things still zing and it just reinforced what I already know and am having a difficult time accepting- he is not anywhere near recovery. And so nowhere near a place where either one of us can consider reconciliation.
My AH stopped by to pick up mail, paperwork and a present I had for him. He said he was on his way to work. He was putting in extra hours working on a project and I guess he decided he rather sleep in a on Sunday-or more likely too hung over to go in earlier. He does not want to come in and so I bring his mail out to the front steps.
He thanked me for the mail and the picture of his dad I had framed for him. Then he just started quacking.
"What do you plan on doing with the house, I need to know if you plan on staying because I have to renew my lease. I don't know if I even want to come back because the house that I always loved that was never good enough for you is ruined."
"How is it ruined?"
"This is why I don't want to have this kind of conversation with you. We need to go sit down with the mediator and discuss this."
"He is out of town for the month of July. We might have to wait until August to see him."
"Well I need to know now."
"I don't know now, The last time we talked you said there was no pressure. But if I have to make a decision right now I would say that I am staying in the house. So go ahead and renew your lease."
"Don't tell me what to do."

Then he proceeds to rant about how I had pushed him out of the house.
I left first and then I asked to return. He moved out willingly. He has never indicated that he wants to come back. It was a damn if I do damn if I don't kind of situation

And so it went on. How much he hated me. How loyal he had been to me even when he hated me. How he lived with me for so long even though he hated me. How he wanted to punch me. How dare I think there was something wrong with him mentally such as a tumor or a mental illness just because he did not want to be with me anymore. I want things my own way. I am not willing to compromise. How I will never change.
"Oh I have changed, you're just not here to see it. "

And here the clincher-How if I had been nicer to him things would have worked out.

"What could I have been nicer to you?"
"Wear garters and high heels."
I think that was when I laughed out loud. We always had a healthy sex life but there were certain things I was not comfortable with and I thought he was accepting of that. I asked if it did not seem superficial that he would bring that up with all the other bigger issues on our marriage. and if that was something that made me uncomfortable would he still want me to do those things.
"Well it just means that we weren't meant to be married."

I never brought up alcohol although I wanted to. If I had been nicer would that have made him drink less? What a crock of ____!

Again he brought up how I pushed him away. How I took a step back when he went to kiss me a few months ago when we met on the street.
"Why would you still want to kiss me if you hate me so much?"
"Cause I'm a nice guy"
Mind you he is standing on the front lawn yelling at me.
I wish someone else had witnessed it. Someone had caught it on videotape.
A box of lighting had come down to strike him as he quacked.

Finally he says that I knew that he had to go to work.
"I'm not keeping you here."

He suddenly realized that he had the power to walk away. I should have walked away a long time before.

I need to accept the reality of now. Stop wishing for a miracle in the future. I need to go NC again for my own sake and think of the husband I love as being dead and gone. That may be the only way to keep my sanity.

Thanks for letting me share. I know you folks will understand.