jamaicamecrazy

I did it to myself-I know, But sometimes I think I just need that slap in the face reality check. I know everything that was said was quacking and I even laughed out loud a few times but some of the things still zing and it just reinforced what I already know and am having a difficult time accepting- he is not anywhere near recovery. And so nowhere near a place where either one of us can consider reconciliation.
My AH stopped by to pick up mail, paperwork and a present I had for him. He said he was on his way to work. He was putting in extra hours working on a project and I guess he decided he rather sleep in a on Sunday-or more likely too hung over to go in earlier. He does not want to come in and so I bring his mail out to the front steps.
He thanked me for the mail and the picture of his dad I had framed for him. Then he just started quacking.
"What do you plan on doing with the house, I need to know if you plan on staying because I have to renew my lease. I don't know if I even want to come back because the house that I always loved that was never good enough for you is ruined."
"How is it ruined?"
"This is why I don't want to have this kind of conversation with you. We need to go sit down with the mediator and discuss this."
"He is out of town for the month of July. We might have to wait until August to see him."
"Well I need to know now."
"I don't know now, The last time we talked you said there was no pressure. But if I have to make a decision right now I would say that I am staying in the house. So go ahead and renew your lease."
"Don't tell me what to do."

Then he proceeds to rant about how I had pushed him out of the house.
I left first and then I asked to return. He moved out willingly. He has never indicated that he wants to come back. It was a damn if I do damn if I don't kind of situation

And so it went on. How much he hated me. How loyal he had been to me even when he hated me. How he lived with me for so long even though he hated me. How he wanted to punch me. How dare I think there was something wrong with him mentally such as a tumor or a mental illness just because he did not want to be with me anymore. I want things my own way. I am not willing to compromise. How I will never change.
"Oh I have changed, you're just not here to see it. "

And here the clincher-How if I had been nicer to him things would have worked out.

"What could I have been nicer to you?"
"Wear garters and high heels."
I think that was when I laughed out loud. We always had a healthy sex life but there were certain things I was not comfortable with and I thought he was accepting of that. I asked if it did not seem superficial that he would bring that up with all the other bigger issues on our marriage. and if that was something that made me uncomfortable would he still want me to do those things.
"Well it just means that we weren't meant to be married."

I never brought up alcohol although I wanted to. If I had been nicer would that have made him drink less? What a crock of ____!

Again he brought up how I pushed him away. How I took a step back when he went to kiss me a few months ago when we met on the street.
"Why would you still want to kiss me if you hate me so much?"
"Cause I'm a nice guy"
Mind you he is standing on the front lawn yelling at me.
I wish someone else had witnessed it. Someone had caught it on videotape.
A box of lighting had come down to strike him as he quacked.

Finally he says that I knew that he had to go to work.
"I'm not keeping you here."

He suddenly realized that he had the power to walk away. I should have walked away a long time before.

I need to accept the reality of now. Stop wishing for a miracle in the future. I need to go NC again for my own sake and think of the husband I love as being dead and gone. That may be the only way to keep my sanity.

Thanks for letting me share. I know you folks will understand.

SheCanRun

The garters and high heels comment... thanks for making me LOL. I needed that today.

Quacking indeed.

Leaping

This whole conversation could have played out in my house as well as yours. In fact, my jaw dropped when I read it because it so closely mirrored my own AH, who has told me repeatedly that I was a cold fish and never showed him any affection. He even said that "one more touch" would have changed everything! How???!!

The irony is that the more he quacks the more resolved I am to not want him back, the more nonsense he throws out the more I know I am doing the right thing.

Hang in there friend Jamaica, NC is the way to go!!

LexieCat

Hey, nothin' wrong that a little hootchie-cootchie can't fix.

Dammit woman, you got no VISION!

It really is incredible, isn't it? The absurdity of it--thank God for it, because those are the little reminders that this is NOT stuff we need to take to heart.

dollydo

Jeez....been there, done that...thank god that part of my life is over!

Alone22

And here the clincher-How if I had been nicer to him things would have worked out.

I didn't need to read anything past this to understand where it was going. Nicer=more sex. Nicer does not mean, nicer. Sex is not the end all for solving marital problems with an AH, but yet some how they think it is. I find it ironic that he HATES you but yet wanted to have more sex with you and some how that equates to something good.

Lots of quacking for sure. Got to love the talking in circles. Really can get my head spinning.

GettingBy

Oh, Jamaica... They are so good at making someone elses fault. Nope, can't be about them. Can't be they are part of the problem.... Oh god, it can't be them!!!

Eff that.

skippernlilg

This is the exact circular discussion exABF and I must've had 100 times before I would step out and just watch him talk. In the same fashion that is described here, we would begin talking, I would recognize what was coming, and literally step away from the conversation.

I don't know how many times I would observe exABF standing there arguing with himself for a good 20 minutes after I hadn't even said a word.

When I read this, it brought back some memories, and now I can laugh at them. At the time, maybe I couldn't, and I hope you don't take offense at the humor I'm finding in it today.

We can all find a duck when we need one, can't we?

wywriter

Oh geez...A's really are all alike when they're quacking, aren't they? I think sex is the one thing AH never complains about -- he's the one too interested in the bottle, not me. I know it's hard not to hurt with some of those comments, but you'll go crazy trying to make sense of the senseless.

I have had more than one conversation that went something like -- "You never spend enough time with me, you're always working." "I'm not working right now, we're spending time together." "And you're just going to run your mouth the whole time." "I'll be quiet then." "Somebody needs to just shoot you in the face, then you couldn't talk so much." "We just started talking." "You'd be doing the world a favor if you died." "If you were further away, you couldn't hear me." "I don't want to leave." "Why not?" "I love you too much."

Happiness Fairy

Wow - I think you just outlined my entire weekend w/ AH! Quack, quack, quack! Being here continues to guide me in the right direction when I know in my heart what I need to do for me and the kids. A safe, loving, accepting home is priceless!

Stick to your guns Jamaica; you saw the situation for what it was.

outonalimb

The quacking!!

I swear, they all operate from the same playbook!

If I had just been more 'affectionate' with my exah, our marriage would have worked!


What a crock!!
You're doing a great job recognizing the quacking for what it is Jamaica.

Hang tough...

TeM

Speaking from the other side of the great gender divide, I can relate, as well. My AW and I have drifted apart in various ways over the years, including our sex life. As she has descended into the bottle, I've completely lost interest.

This topic pops up occasionally, and I'm pretty sure she tells our daughter that I don't love her any more and I'm not affectionate enough, yada yada yada.

And, to make matters worse, AW's drinking buddy brags how her husband wants sex so often that she dreads going to bed. So, AW conveniently blames me for her need to drink.

zrx1200R

Perfect! send AW over to drinking buddy's house. Problem solved.

TeM

That's a tempting thought. Drinking Buddy is a classic enabler, telling AW that we want to "control" her by not letting her drink. In one of our drinking-related arguments, I told AW that maybe Drinking Buddy could come and take care of her next time she fell and injured herself.

I think Drinking Buddy has issues of her own... apparently they feed on each other's anxieties and insecurities.

Tuffgirl

I have learned how to do this myself - instead of reacting to the conversation, I would "stand outside" of it and listen objectively. Amazing what one can hear when they aren't on the defense.

Jamaica, at least you know where he is at these days - sometimes conversations like these can be very validating of our own choices. (This is me, trying to find the positive in listening to quacking!) I think you handled that very well.

Buffalo66

Don't spend another minute of your precious life hashing out these ridiculous things that he says,Jamaica!! --- unless you are using it to bolster your inner self-support for the action you have taken to remove yourself from him.

Sounds like you are in a good place. Don't let him poop on your day.

He is acting like a child who is angry and hurt. Spitting mean things. My six year old does this.

jamaicamecrazy

Thank you all for the support. I knew there were several of you who could relate.
Yes I know it is quacking.
I guess I am still astounded by his behavior-new behavior that is classic alcoholic behavior. He really has turned into "that guy".
Yes it hurts and it threw me for a loop for over a day but now I know what I must do to protect myself.
He is making his own choices and creating his own life and still things are my fault.
He feels so badly about himself and he has projected all those things onto me.
He continued to engage with me even when he said he had to go. He wants to continue hurting me because he hurts so bad, egging me on so that if I yell back he can feel justified for all the things he said. He can't figure out why I am no longer playing this game. I think he is getting closer to bottom. He is very sick. There is nothing I can do. It is out of my hands and I just need to protect myself.

GettingBy

I use to think my AH was near his bottom. I used to think, "oh boy, this is it. He's nearing the bottom."

But... Nope. Not there yet. No sign of getting there anytime soon.

I think all that waiting for his bottom... Kept me stuck. Had me living under the assumption that I needed him to get sober so I could live the life I wanted.

I'm so glad you're changing and taking care of you

jamaicamecrazy

The minute I wrote that line I knew that it was another way of "hoping" for him to get sober and it was dangerous territory.
I like that I have this faith in others and in the best outcome. It has helped me professionally and in many relationships but I know that it is not working for me here.
It might just leave me stuck.
My husband is dead and gone. I don't want a relationship with this other man.

StarCat

You are doing some difficult thinking, jamaica, and you are coming up with some very insightful answers.
It sounds like you know what you need to do.
We're here for you.