LaFemme

Looking for something else I found this entry. I thought I would share it with the newcomers especially. This entry dates 13 months prior to sobriety and I now have 11+ months....

Its ironic I have been reading about sobriety while drinking. Saw something online about sobriety being a creative process. I can see that, I will have to create a whole new identity that is not defined by alcohol. The first thing I need is to believe myself capable of the task. I remember asking my parents to abstain for 6 months when I was a kid, they refused. I think I was always afraid of alcohol, somehow. I knew it would be my cross to bear...cigarettes too for that matter. And somehow over the years my thoughts changed...wine with a meal was soooo European, and we were after all half European. People who didn't drink were so provincial....this is the thinking I need to change.

I am tired of the shakes, I am tired of the fatigue and depression. I want to be a winner like C.C. (name withheld for priivacy). Like the band Evensong Rising. I want to feel cool while drinking my Pelligrino, no ice and a slice of lemon at meals. I want to enjoy the way food tastes and not just eat to buffer the wine. I want to feel beautiful, strong and talented. I want to be someone so in love with life that I make the world a better place.

I wish people didn't talk so much about relapse when talking about sobriety when there are so many people who are successful, the focus on relapse makes it hard to begin. Maybe they need a new word for it.

I feel some hope. I have been praying to God to take this from me, but I must need to learn this lessons, obviously I was wiser as a child than I am now....I need to regain that wisdom. I need to return to my childhood self and start over..."

Tina