LaFemme

Looking for something else I found this entry. I thought I would share it with the newcomers especially. This entry dates 13 months prior to sobriety and I now have 11+ months....

Its ironic I have been reading about sobriety while drinking. Saw something online about sobriety being a creative process. I can see that, I will have to create a whole new identity that is not defined by alcohol. The first thing I need is to believe myself capable of the task. I remember asking my parents to abstain for 6 months when I was a kid, they refused. I think I was always afraid of alcohol, somehow. I knew it would be my cross to bear...cigarettes too for that matter. And somehow over the years my thoughts changed...wine with a meal was soooo European, and we were after all half European. People who didn't drink were so provincial....this is the thinking I need to change.

I am tired of the shakes, I am tired of the fatigue and depression. I want to be a winner like C.C. (name withheld for priivacy). Like the band Evensong Rising. I want to feel cool while drinking my Pelligrino, no ice and a slice of lemon at meals. I want to enjoy the way food tastes and not just eat to buffer the wine. I want to feel beautiful, strong and talented. I want to be someone so in love with life that I make the world a better place.

I wish people didn't talk so much about relapse when talking about sobriety when there are so many people who are successful, the focus on relapse makes it hard to begin. Maybe they need a new word for it.

I feel some hope. I have been praying to God to take this from me, but I must need to learn this lessons, obviously I was wiser as a child than I am now....I need to regain that wisdom. I need to return to my childhood self and start over..."

Tina

LaFemme

I will add that the ink I wrote this entry in is smeared in a couple of place from condensation on a wine glass being placed on top of the page.

LexieCat

I like that--food as a buffer for the wine. I wasn't a wine-drinker, but trust me, I get the concept.

How cool is it that you are where you are now, when you were where you were back then??

Congrats on your almost-year! You've come a long way, baby!

Zebra1275

I will add that the ink I wrote this entry in is smeared in a couple of place from condensation on a wine glass being placed on top of the page.

I can relate. Sometimes I would do some pretty deep thinking about how I wanted to change things, while I was having a drink.

bratnik

Thanks for sharing your very honest and sincere thoughts (dreams?) Those are all very real to me right now (as I drink my Pellegrino - how funny!) When you guys share these stories and experiences with us Newbies it gives us a lot of hope. Congrats on 11 months. Inspiring.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that T
I agree - you have had an amazing journey!

D

Ranger

Your entry resonates, LaFemme. Thanks for sharing.

As I approached the backside of my 30s I started to become aware that alcohol's death grip was preventing me from achieving many real life "wants".

BobGT

Thanks for the post, LF. I'm happy for you that you are doing so well now.

Your diary entry was well written and clearly thought out like your posts here. I'm curious if you were drinking when you wrote it. Don't answer if I'm being too nosey. Anyway, thanks again.

LaFemme

I joined SR when I was already a few days sober...so you all were spared the years o suffering I went through trying to get sober.

I hope that some who are struggling can read this and have hope.

Xoxo,

P.s. - I spared you the entry that was incoherent babbling while 3 sheets to the wind....lol

EmeraldRose

I want to feel beautiful, strong and talented. I want to be someone so in love with life that I make the world a better place.

You are all that now...and more. Thank you for the inspiration. ((hug))

LaFemme

Bob...I was drinking when I wrote it (that's what the first sentence refers to) but I wasn't too far into my cups at the time...I actually think I might have a vague recollection of writing this...I did a lot of reading about alcoholism and sobriety while drinking my litres of wine.

LaFemme

Thanks ER...hugs

mirage

Thanks for that, LaFemme..it was really moving to me. I never wrote anything down, but boy I thought a lot about it, the same way you did in this entry. I can really relate to it. So happy for you that you're doing so well!

Mida

This reminds me too much of me...intellectualizing the problem rather than addressing it lol. I have some interesting journal entries from my drinking years and I still cringe when I read them.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on your sober time!

instant

Thanks LaFemme you have given me something to aim for

Bombshell

LaFemme you are a beautiful writer! Thanks for sharing that - it gives hope to those of us still struggling to see what a life without alcohol could be like. Congrats on your 11+ months! You are an inspiration

frances2011

Yes, so beautiful. I can witness that you are being that for me, Tina. ****{Grateful for Tina}}}

LaFemme

Kids...what I didn't include from the entry was the action plan that I drew up at the end of the entry. I called AA and found a meeting and I wrote a list of things I could use to keep me busy instead of drinking. I didn't do any of it but I knee I had to do something.

Jabbadabutt

Good for you. It sounded like you were ready for a change and stuck with your plan. You accepted that continuing the drinking was not going to allow you to be who you wanted to be. You are a great solid asset to these boards and I hope you continue to do so. High five.

LaFemme

Thanks Janna...what uamazes me is that it took me another 13 months to get sober after that.