I posted last week about my RABF (now ABF i guess) getting asked to go back to detox and showing up at my apt unexpectedly.....well everything took a turn for the worse.
I completely disregarded everything I have been working for and had a total "relapse" for myself. He not only didn't go to detox when asked but totally went on a spree and has been the craziest I have seen him for the past week..using, stealing, lying, making up excuses.....
And of course that threw me right back into the old "I have to make sure he is ok" behavior. I have feel like I completely lost it and I am physically drained from this past week. I finally dropped him back off at detox today and again I feel so relieved, that he is out of my hair! Never thought I would say that about someone I love so much....
I just want all of this to be over, I keep telling myself to stay strong and stick to my boundaries but he knows how to push my buttons and get exactly what he wants from me, why do I always give in??? Ughhh I'm so frustrated and disappointed in myself right now
A mutual friend told me that I am not helping him and am hurting him and myself by doing all this chasing and enabling when he is like this, but why can't i see that at the time...I always am trying to "help".
I told him when he got out of my car today "I cant help him if he doesn't want to help himself"....obviously that didn't go over well and he took his bag with no reply, hug, kiss, or I love you.....he has told me before that when he is active addiction he doesn't even love himself, so how could he possibly show he loves me......I think its really hitting home to me that why should I expel so much energy/effort to love someone if NONE is getting shown back to me. Just getting yelled and screamed at and told to leave him alone but I never do....gosh i'm making myself even more frustrated replaying how I handle things.
I just gotta start over again tomm and learn how to set boundaries and stick by them.
I have been trying to do things that I enjoy and try to make myself happy but how do I do that when all I feel like doing is laying in my bed crying...
