sTiLlhErE1986

I posted last week about my RABF (now ABF i guess) getting asked to go back to detox and showing up at my apt unexpectedly.....well everything took a turn for the worse.

I completely disregarded everything I have been working for and had a total "relapse" for myself. He not only didn't go to detox when asked but totally went on a spree and has been the craziest I have seen him for the past week..using, stealing, lying, making up excuses.....

And of course that threw me right back into the old "I have to make sure he is ok" behavior. I have feel like I completely lost it and I am physically drained from this past week. I finally dropped him back off at detox today and again I feel so relieved, that he is out of my hair! Never thought I would say that about someone I love so much....

I just want all of this to be over, I keep telling myself to stay strong and stick to my boundaries but he knows how to push my buttons and get exactly what he wants from me, why do I always give in??? Ughhh I'm so frustrated and disappointed in myself right now

A mutual friend told me that I am not helping him and am hurting him and myself by doing all this chasing and enabling when he is like this, but why can't i see that at the time...I always am trying to "help".

I told him when he got out of my car today "I cant help him if he doesn't want to help himself"....obviously that didn't go over well and he took his bag with no reply, hug, kiss, or I love you.....he has told me before that when he is active addiction he doesn't even love himself, so how could he possibly show he loves me......I think its really hitting home to me that why should I expel so much energy/effort to love someone if NONE is getting shown back to me. Just getting yelled and screamed at and told to leave him alone but I never do....gosh i'm making myself even more frustrated replaying how I handle things.

I just gotta start over again tomm and learn how to set boundaries and stick by them.

I have been trying to do things that I enjoy and try to make myself happy but how do I do that when all I feel like doing is laying in my bed crying...

milo88

O Stillhere, your post reminded me so much of the bad old days I had myself with my ex. It's so painful! Yes, your friend is right in a way, "enabling" "codependency" "boundaries" it's a whole new language, and a whole new way of looking at things. It didn't come naturally to me either. And it's even more confusing nowadays since my ex died and I have been listening to Buddhist talks more and more, and they all talk about giving and selflessness, and not putting a line between you and another.
It's all confusing!
The pain of seeing the one you love become addicted to drugs is immense, and the pain is only made greater by their seeming ambivalence to you. It's kind of like that person you knew and loved got possessed by an alien!
I don't have any good advice, only that I feel for you and know how hard it is. I did go recently to an Al Anon meeting and wondered why I never went when it was all going on for me. I think it would have helped me, it seems like a place where you can talk about how you feel and get some good advice.
Whatever you do, don't start hating yourself because you don't have the resources to deal with this! I think I did that for a while, I felt ashamed! it's not an easy situation to be in and there is a lot of learning to be done.
You sound like a really good person, and it also sounds like you really do love your bf. He is a fool for choosing drugs over you! It's his mistake, not yours, but you need to learn how to deal with what's happening.
Thinking of you xxxx

dollydo

As enablers/codependents we become as sick as the addict. We lose touch with reality, we lose ourselves. Addiction destroys not only the user, but, the supporters as well, unless the supporters get in a strong recovery program for themselves.

As for him, he is an adult, this is his problem to resolve, not yours. He will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and in recovery or not. His personality is not going to change whether he is sober or not. Recovery is not a cure all for personality disorders.

Take this time to focus on you, get healthy for you. Nothing will change until you change you. I know, I've been exactly where you are, and it's not any fun.

Don't be hard on yourself, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and hop back on the recovery train.

Freedom1990

Are you attending any Naranon or Alanon meetings on a consistent basis?

hello-kitty

Live and learn... I predict that you'll have plenty more chances to detach from him and his addiction. No worries.

lightseeker

yes, the recovery train is a good one to get on - not for him, but for you. I hear you and how easy it is to get swept right back in. I've gone through a lot of self loathing each time I have fallen back into his web.

However, I now totally understand how a substance an be completely overwhelming and all powerful. Because....that is how difficult it has been for me to walk away from my husband who is sober but not in recovery. I think that the pain of breaking away is what allows some of us to take the repeated and painful path of continuing to participate with someone that struggles with addiction. Over and over I tell myself "short term pain for long term gain" and "nothing changes if nothing changes".

I know I couldn't be where I am (as hard as it is) without really working my own program. There is a trance that I fall into and is almost impossible to withstand. Each stand I keep walking into the same hole. I'm sure that you have seen the poem about walking down the same street....

On Learning to Do Better

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.
I walk down a different street

I think that we all just have to determine how many times that we want to walk down the street and step into that same hole. Be gentle with yourself - but also, know that there is relief for your pain in the rooms of recovery. There are a lot of other people just like you and you definitely will not be doing it alone.

sTiLlhErE1986

Milo- thank you so much for sharing your confusion with me over the same subject. None of my friends have personal experience with this and it helps to see other people know what I am talking about.

Dolly- I agree with you saying he is always going to be a addict, I'm starting now to realize the decision that does have to be made is what I want to do. And I am starting to pick myself back up today, thank you so much for your kind words!

Freedom- no I haven't attended any meetings, I need to. I am a full time student and work full time so its hard to find a free minute, but I'm important so I need to make a effort!

HelloKitty- hopefully there aren't too many more situations like this one ahead of me, this past week was horrible! But I gotta learn how to handle it better and it won't be as bad!

Anvil- yeah I think I am drawn to the people who "need me". My BF was sober when we started dating, so I guess I had in my head that he was "ok". I know now, like I said earlier, he will always be a addict, so I have to decide how to change ME

Lighseeker- I have never seen that poem before but I LOVE it, it definetly fits my life right now! Thank you!