Welcome, and I'm so glad you found us.
I think you realize that you don't like being sober. I can very much relate to that. My self-worth was so low that I couldn't bear the thought of being sober and being completely aware of who I was. Of course, the more I drank, the lower my self-esteem went. Honestly, it's an endless cycle and it can seem hopeless. But, we are not stronger than you are. You can do this, IF you want it. And, it sounds to me like you really want to have a clear head and to live a peaceful life.