outonalimb

My exah has been out of the house for 7...maybe 8...weeks now.

Except for a few brief and unwelcome contacts from him, we've had no contact. And honestly, for the first time in our relationship, I'm happy with the whole NC thing. I honestly don't have any feelings for him. I don't miss him. Not at all. It only took me 15 years to get to this point but I finally made it.

I've been going to al anon meetings. Reading alot of al anon literature. And just trying to decompress and get my feet back underneath me.

I'm trying to do the next right thing every day but honestly, I am just so freakin' lonley.

I'm beginning to realize how isolated and walled-off I have become over the last 8 years or so. I have friends who I love very much but they are all married and busy with their lives. I have no idea what to do with myself. I want to plan a vacation this summer but with who? Just my son and I? Will my 12 year old son really think its cool to spend a week with his mom somewhere? Just the two of us? I dont' really have any money to work with anyway.

I just feel kind of down.
I'm going to be 46 later this month and this is just SO NOT how I envisioned my life at this age.

I think maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I know what I NEED to do...I need to reach out and get involved in new activities...meet new people...But its just very hard to do for lots of reasons I guess. Its hard because I've spent so many years walled-off. And its hard because there's so little time. I work full time at a demanding job and have my son to care for on my own.

I guess this is what they refer to as sitting in the hall waiting for the next door to open? Well...its kind of lonley here in here. And dark. And uncomfortable. I don't like it in here at all!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.