Hi PT - day five for me too...after a slip after almost nine months. I hear everything that you are saying. I felt depressed when I was drinking and then when I stopped I felt uncontrollable anxiety and tears and anger and confusion about what I was actually feeling at any given time. I promise you, if you can just stick and stay for a few weeks you will see a huge difference even then and so on from there. Life sober does get better, I have been there a couple of times long term and it is so much nicer. That Stinkin' Thinkin' is just your mind telling you that you can drink like a normal person. You have to listen to your heart and your gut on this one because your mind is going to be all over the place. You know in your gut what you really want and you have to push those thoughts aside by doing something you like or even just having a nap...a nap for me clears my head and makes me feel safe.
I have the blackouts and the regrets for acting awful, I have the anger and the rollercoaster of emotions too but more so when I am drinking or shortly after. I was nearly at 9 months and I was happier in my life than I have been in many years...I'm on day 5 back to that because now I really know what I lost in slipping...now back to crying and feeling anxious and taking ativan and feeling ashamed. It's a cycle that only you or I or the other drinkers can change, you have to stop the wheels turning and I am right here with you doing the same.
D.