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Day 5 - absolute craziness

Old 06-09-2011, 12:20 PM
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Day 5 - absolute craziness

So today is my fifth day of not drinking. The first day I was horribly depressed to the point of almost being suicidal (just in general thinking that my life was meaningless and was never going to get better etc. but not specifically thinking about/planning suicide) but I attributed that in great part to my massive hangover (to the point that I thought I may have alcohol poisoned myself) and major regrets about the night before.

But the days in the between then and today have been really good. For the most part I've felt happy and healthy and I made it a point to stay positive and I usually succeeded.

Last night was the first time I really had issues and then today is just mess. I'm all over the place emotionally. Any little thing makes me cry. I can't concentrate. I went to an AA meeting over lunch and when it was my turn to talk for some reason I just started bawling my eyes out. I was so embarrassed. I went to one yesterday (my first one) and didn't have that problem at all-- I felt good, a light feeling, and I even thought it was strange that this one guy was tearing up, like wow he's worse off than I am. Apparently not so!!!

I don't know if I should go find a new therapist or if I need anxiety meds or what. This is crazy. Like mental breakdown style. Luckily now that I'm back at the office I'm able to hold it together a lot better than I was at the meeting. Maybe I've just been fooling myself that I'm going to be okay. Maybe I'm really just a big mess. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for except to hopefully hear this is normal?! Or any suggestions. I would love to go for a run right now but I'm at work. Other than that I'm just sitting here thinking, woah, wth is wrong with me.
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:42 PM
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This is totally normal for most of the people I've met and for myself.

We aren't used to feeling our feelings or our emotions because we self medicated while we were drinking. At one AA meeting when I was in my 1st 30 days I recall someone sharing about the 3-8's, where she said that when she first got sober she was either a 0 (life's miserable and pointless) or a 10 (life's wonderful and peachy) and after a couple years sober she now lives in the 3-8's (life is rough or can be really good) and is no longer living in those emotional extremes. For me this started happening within the first few months so please hang in there.

Oh and welcome to SR.
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:43 PM
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I felt/feel on and off the same way. I don't know if it's for the same reasons but yup that's been me but add anger in there. I just keep going to the meetings and listening to others, then connecting. It helps me a great deal. I still struggle with never drinking again. It's not that I want to it's just the point that I can't. For some reasn it makes me cranky.

I had to get some meds from my doc and I'm happy I did. I'd probably go have a heart to heart with my doc if I were you.
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:10 PM
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Good for you for having 5 days sober!

I think you're feeling 'normal' for what you're going through. It's very emotional and difficult to start to deal with life without benefit of alcohol to numb things. It's just going to take some time to get used to it. If it continues you might want to check with your dr. It could be that the depression/anxiety will lift as your sobriety continues. If not, then your dr might be of help.
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:20 PM
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It's only day five hang in there. Alcohol is a poison that has been leaching away at your emotional capacities for a long time.

I am day 26 today, and I feel so much calmer, and stable overall- hang in there
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:27 PM
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Early recovery is both an emotional minefield and emotional rollercoaster for most of us, pigtail.

I think what you're experiencing is very very normal

D
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:53 PM
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Hang in there Pigtails!

I am on Day 4 myself, but I have done up through 30 days in the past. It seems like it is cyclical for me.

The first day after drinking a lot is bad, but just as much physically as mentally. The next 2 or 3 days are usually ok, but kind of just flat for me.

Then day 4 or 5 brings crushing depression... after that is a newfound confidence and strength.

Unfortunately, the few times I've gotten that far, I feel so good that I should reward myself with.... you guessed it! Beers!
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:55 PM
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I'm so glad that it's normal.

I did have emotional break-downs like this when I was drinking but I didn't have the happy, really really "up" times or the happy, light and free feeling times. So at least I have the joyful ups along with the crazy downs.

Another thing that is different from when I was drinking is that the emotional break-down before would always come as a result of something stupid I had done, either because of alcohol or not helped at all by my using alcohol or coping with alcohol while I was doing it. I don't think I'm making sense so let me give a hypothetical example. Say I had a big project at work and instead of preparing for it I left work early for happy hour and then stayed out all night drinking. (Okay so this is not a hypothetical after all now that I think about it, it's a true example that has happened a lot.) Then the next day I was all hungover and couldn't concentrate on the project and even though it almost ALWAYS happened that I did just fine on the project and people who knew I was drinking the night before or even co-workers who were drinking with me would joke or maybe seriously say that it's good that I drank the night before because it took away my nerves and helped me relax etc. Which is probably true. But I would know deep down that I could do better than I did, and that at least with the big project looming I had done some preparation in advance and tried my best at the moment of the project, but overall I never focused at work and was too busy being hungover or drunk, so, I would start to get down on myself and worry about my career and think of leaving my career for something more fulfilling that I could focus on etc... and I would get all emotional and have mini-break-downs where I would have to close my door at work and cry and call my sister and cry etc.

Well there was obviously some reason for those, I knew what it was but I didn't really know how to fix it. So now I feel kind of the opposite... there is no reason for this emotional state or outburst, except maybe that I am fixing the problem, which feels really daunting and over-whelming and scary at times. The work project example from above was just one aspect of things I would do to cause my life to spin out of control and to become emotional about-- it also happened in my relationships, friendships, physical health, everything. I think I am realizing that alcohol is the common denominator here. I was doing work to fix everything else but it was only when I looked at the alcohol issue that I was like, wow, this is the big problem that is so hard to fix.

I am not sure if I need meds to help me through this or not. I hope and I kind of feel in my gut that like Anna says my anxiety and depression will go away or decrease once I've had more time sober. Here's the strange thing: I feel a lot less (almost no) depression, but a lot more anxiety. I think because I am realizing this is out of my control and that is very hard for me to deal with. I hope as I accept it and deal with it the anxiety lessons. If not I am not opposed to meds or anything that will help me get happy. I just want to be happy. :-) Most of the time I feel like I'm on my way there, but boy today has been a rollercoaster.
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by SwanSong View Post
We aren't used to feeling our feelings or our emotions because we self medicated while we were drinking. At one AA meeting when I was in my 1st 30 days I recall someone sharing about the 3-8's, where she said that when she first got sober she was either a 0 (life's miserable and pointless) or a 10 (life's wonderful and peachy) and after a couple years sober she now lives in the 3-8's (life is rough or can be really good) and is no longer living in those emotional extremes. For me this started happening within the first few months so please hang in there.
Thanks SwanSong, this really speaks to me. I've written on here the past couple days about how nice it was to feel clarity and peace for the first time in a long time, and even how strange it is to feel tired! I guess these emotions... and I don't even know what to call them (fear? lack of control? grief at having to admit and accept that I have this big problem? anxiety about how to deal with it?) are also ones I need to feel for the first time. I get how this is the 0 and at times I've been feeling the 10's and man I will take it! Just to feel the 10's ha ha. Overall I haven't felt this happy without alcohol since childhood/adolescence it seems. And the happiness I felt with alcohol was not nearly the same as what I've been feeling lately sober... it just doesn't compete.

Whenever I feel worried about if I can drink again or when I can drink again or how much or how I'm going to deal with it or what to tell my friends, I am going to pause and focus on the benefits thus far. I have been more clear-headed, more at peace and have felt better physically, mentally and emotionally. (Except for today with the emotional part but I am beginning to see why and I still wouldn't trade it.) So why would I want to change that by drinking? Why is it so bad to say I don't ever want to drink? When that feels over-whelming (and it sure does lately with this AA stuff), I will just tell myself "I don't want to drink today" and take it from there. That's what I was doing and I was feeling great but I think the stuff about admitting I'm an alcoholic and can never drink again really threw me for a loop because it felt so very overwhelming. But maybe it is something I need to deal with. Thanks again.
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Reed22 View Post
Hang in there Pigtails!

I am on Day 4 myself, but I have done up through 30 days in the past. It seems like it is cyclical for me.

The first day after drinking a lot is bad, but just as much physically as mentally. The next 2 or 3 days are usually ok, but kind of just flat for me.

Then day 4 or 5 brings crushing depression... after that is a newfound confidence and strength.

Unfortunately, the few times I've gotten that far, I feel so good that I should reward myself with.... you guessed it! Beers!
The last part is what worries me. Someone on here told me my head will start playing tricks on me and thinking it's okay to drink. I think it's already doing that. There's a little voice that says, now you know you have this problem when you drink too much, so, just moderate and you're fine. You're smart enough and strong enough. And even when I ignore that voice another voice comes in and says, just take a step back and clear your head until the Fourth of July and then you can enjoy a nice beer while celebrating with your friends.

Argh. I hate those voices. I like the voices that tell me I'm so much better off without any alcohol. On my way to walking to the AA meeting I was drinking a bottled water and I thought, okay, this is refreshing. The guy I met at an AA meeting yesterday was talking about the media and how they make it look like alcohol is so refreshing and great, something we're entitled to as an award or to relax with etc. I definitely think of alcohol that way except I have to remember that it is also something that causes me to turn into a different, worse person and to do things I regret. Whereas a bottle of water, or with a twist added , is also perfectly refreshing. So is an iced coffee! So is a milkshake, which maybe I can drink after awhile since I've shaved so many calories out of my diet by not drinking alcohol. I mean, when did I get the notion that the only reward or relaxation for me, ever, was alcohol?! That I will just die without alcohol on vacation? That how could I go to a barbeque or baseball game and not enjoy a beer (or two or three or whatever)?! That how could I have a get-together with friends and skip that glass (or two or three or whatever) of wine? I really think I need to de-program myself and realize that alcohol, for me, is not a reward or a relaxation. It is a toxic evil that wants to screw me over big time!!!!! I really think that is the only way I am going to stop these thoughts of "well when can I drink" or "when can I be able to drink"?

So yeah I can definitely relate and I hope I am able to stay sober and not have it be a cyclical process. I wish the same thing for you. :-) I admire your re-attempts and I think this one will stick! This is my first try and I'm hoping it will stick for me. I already start to wonder if I can have a drink, and I think I can, but what stops me is that I am not totally sure it won't get out of control and end up with me doing something I regret. That is my number one reason for not having even one drink-- better safe than sorry, and I need to get to the point where I realize alcohol is really not a big deal. I can have a happy fun life without alcohol even though it seems impossible because I am so very used to it. I just have to de-program my brain I guess.
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:26 PM
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Yeah, I think that it is very true about your mind playing tricks. I am sometimes my own worst enemy...

I feel like I am trying every week, but I inevitably fall down. When I get discouraged, I remind myself that at least now I am trying, and that I am aware of the problem.
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:22 PM
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Hi Pigtails - I'm Day 5 too!! I actually have read alot of your posts and can relate to you on so many levels. I've experienced sooo many of the same things. I feel like I can't offer any advice yet since I'm right with you on the time frame - but I had my first triggers today after what was a great week. Maybe if you know there is someone here who is right next to you in our days sober - going through the same stuff and staying strong with you, it can give you some support, at least. We can do this! I've been keeping myself so busy to distract myself from a breakdown but i'm sure one is around the corner. Hang in there! And thanks for all of your posts. You helped me come out of my shell today and join!
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:46 PM
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Hi PT - day five for me too...after a slip after almost nine months. I hear everything that you are saying. I felt depressed when I was drinking and then when I stopped I felt uncontrollable anxiety and tears and anger and confusion about what I was actually feeling at any given time. I promise you, if you can just stick and stay for a few weeks you will see a huge difference even then and so on from there. Life sober does get better, I have been there a couple of times long term and it is so much nicer. That Stinkin' Thinkin' is just your mind telling you that you can drink like a normal person. You have to listen to your heart and your gut on this one because your mind is going to be all over the place. You know in your gut what you really want and you have to push those thoughts aside by doing something you like or even just having a nap...a nap for me clears my head and makes me feel safe.

I have the blackouts and the regrets for acting awful, I have the anger and the rollercoaster of emotions too but more so when I am drinking or shortly after. I was nearly at 9 months and I was happier in my life than I have been in many years...I'm on day 5 back to that because now I really know what I lost in slipping...now back to crying and feeling anxious and taking ativan and feeling ashamed. It's a cycle that only you or I or the other drinkers can change, you have to stop the wheels turning and I am right here with you doing the same.

D.
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails
I just have to de-program my brain I guess.
I found that to be true for me. After a long long time of dealing with just about every aspect of life with alcohol and drugs. I had to relearn how to live without turning to alcohol every time I'm happy, sad, nervous, angry ... you name, if I could feel it, I would drink to elate it or depress it.

Thankfully it is never too late to relearn or to learn anew how to have a new life free from addiction. Just like a great many things in life, to acquire something desirable in life, especially a new way to live; practice, persistence and patients (The 3 P's).

Its exciting to have the person wherewithal to craft a new drug free life. The rewards of developing new behaviors and patterns of thought is uplifting, a huge boost to my self-worth and just a darn good feeling of doing a job well done.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:35 PM
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Hi Pigtails: I so relate to what you are saying. I am on day eight today, and at day five, I went into a meeting that was a round robin (with about 80 people there who all sounded great to me and when it got to me, I started crying and said sorry, it's really hard for me to express these feelings, and everyone said, you're fine, don't worry about it.

I got sober for nine years and then relapsed, and I was in an outpatient program back then, and every single day of that program, I would start crying. Everyone else was talking about how great they felt, ooh, I am a week sober and I feel fabulous! Never felt better! Haven't had a drink, how wonderful! And as they were all saying this stuff, I was bawling and saying I have never felt worse in my lifel

And I asked my then sponsor about it, and said, why I am the only one in the entire group who is crying so much, who is so emotionally up and down all the time.

And you know what she said? She said it is because you are really doing this, and they are not. And you know what? Not one single person in the entire group made it through the program sober besides me. I am not congratulating myself (because look at me now--I relapsed and am still a crying mess But she was right--I was starting to feel things for the first time in a long time, and there is no way if you're dong that to put on the happy face and say, I feel great!! Yes, you can see, for the first time in a long time, the beauty in things. You can appreciate that you are alive. You can have huge amounts of gratitude. But you still are feeling things that you have tamped down for the longest time, and those feelings can't help but come out, even in the strangest of times, and that in itself is a great thing.

So I say feel free to cry or do whatever you have to do at any meeting you go to. There is nothing that you can do that is not OK. It's all good, except for drinking.

So it sounds to me like you are doing absolutely great, and I am so glad you wrote about it so that I don't sound or feel like a freak either
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Old 06-10-2011, 04:10 AM
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Your body is still going through withdraws even after 5 days. I find this with quitting any addiction. When I quit smoking for 3 years, the same thing happened. I had the same problem when I quit drinking for 10 years. It does pass. This time I was put on an antidepressant. It works great for me. Evened my emotions out. My doctor put me it on it for 3 months but I think I am going to stay on it for at least a year. Something for you to consider. Hang in there. It does get better. I am on day 39 today. Drink lots of fluids, take a walk, stay away from sugars and junk, take time to do something nice for yourself. Welcome to SR.
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:03 AM
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I had a glass of wine to celebrate 60 days. Our brains are crazy! But be kind to yourself...this is really hard. Don't drink today. Do something good for yourself. Be proud. The emotions are totally normal and will level out. Congrats on 5 days!
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:20 AM
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It's fairly normal to feel all over the place at first. Whatever our intentions at the start, no matter how sincere we are, for most people recovery is not a smooth, even trajectory, it can be a series of bumps but eventually, it does start to even out.

I guess we all need to be on our toes, but there is much that I find promising in your attitude, and it is very heartening.
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by bratnik View Post
Hi Pigtails - I'm Day 5 too!! I actually have read alot of your posts and can relate to you on so many levels. I've experienced sooo many of the same things. I feel like I can't offer any advice yet since I'm right with you on the time frame - but I had my first triggers today after what was a great week. Maybe if you know there is someone here who is right next to you in our days sober - going through the same stuff and staying strong with you, it can give you some support, at least. We can do this! I've been keeping myself so busy to distract myself from a breakdown but i'm sure one is around the corner. Hang in there! And thanks for all of your posts. You helped me come out of my shell today and join!
I'm glad I have been able to help you. And I love the idea of having a partner in sobriety who is on the same day as me (now we are on Day 6, yay for us!) :-)

It's weird that we both had triggers at Day 5 for the first time. Must be something about that day!

Good luck and thanks for posting, I'm so glad you joined.
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Zencat View Post
I found that to be true for me. After a long long time of dealing with just about every aspect of life with alcohol and drugs. I had to relearn how to live without turning to alcohol every time I'm happy, sad, nervous, angry ... you name, if I could feel it, I would drink to elate it or depress it.

Thankfully it is never too late to relearn or to learn anew how to have a new life free from addiction. Just like a great many things in life, to acquire something desirable in life, especially a new way to live; practice, persistence and patients (The 3 P's).

Its exciting to have the person wherewithal to craft a new drug free life. The rewards of developing new behaviors and patterns of thought is uplifting, a huge boost to my self-worth and just a darn good feeling of doing a job well done.
I've found myself talking to myself or poeple who aren't there or my pets a lot instead of drinking, ha ha ha! Maybe I'm going crazy! Yesterday my boss kept droning on and on and on about one issue after work hours and I just wanted to get home! I felt terribly irritated which isn't like me but as someone pointed out I guess it is withdrawal... I feel like I didn't really feel withdrawal symptoms much until yesterday (except for very weird dreams/nightmares involving drinking or not drinking, but I have a sleep disorder so it made sense to me that my brain was working out its issues during the night instead of the day really), and then it all hit at once -- anxiety, irritability, headache, heart palpitations that were pretty scary, sweating a lot, etc. Anyway once I was finally able to leave and I got into my car I said out loud, "[Boss], you are driving me crazy, it's enough to almost drive me to drink! But I won't!" Or when I got home I told my pets, "hey it's Happy Hour, let's be happy, we're all going to drink our water now." I don't know why doing this makes me feel better... I guess I like to deal with things with humor or else I will really start crying and head to the nearest bar where all my friends are enjoying their margarita, boo.

So yeah I've been working out more, eating healthy which requires extra time and work for preparation etc., organizing my new apartment, apparently talking to myeslf now, etc... anything but going out and drinking!
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