Pigtails

The last part is what worries me. Someone on here told me my head will start playing tricks on me and thinking it's okay to drink. I think it's already doing that. There's a little voice that says, now you know you have this problem when you drink too much, so, just moderate and you're fine. You're smart enough and strong enough. And even when I ignore that voice another voice comes in and says, just take a step back and clear your head until the Fourth of July and then you can enjoy a nice beer while celebrating with your friends.

Argh. I hate those voices. I like the voices that tell me I'm so much better off without any alcohol. On my way to walking to the AA meeting I was drinking a bottled water and I thought, okay, this is refreshing. The guy I met at an AA meeting yesterday was talking about the media and how they make it look like alcohol is so refreshing and great, something we're entitled to as an award or to relax with etc. I definitely think of alcohol that way except I have to remember that it is also something that causes me to turn into a different, worse person and to do things I regret. Whereas a bottle of water, or with a twist added , is also perfectly refreshing. So is an iced coffee! So is a milkshake, which maybe I can drink after awhile since I've shaved so many calories out of my diet by not drinking alcohol. I mean, when did I get the notion that the only reward or relaxation for me, ever, was alcohol?! That I will just die without alcohol on vacation? That how could I go to a barbeque or baseball game and not enjoy a beer (or two or three or whatever)?! That how could I have a get-together with friends and skip that glass (or two or three or whatever) of wine? I really think I need to de-program myself and realize that alcohol, for me, is not a reward or a relaxation. It is a toxic evil that wants to screw me over big time!!!!! I really think that is the only way I am going to stop these thoughts of "well when can I drink" or "when can I be able to drink"?

So yeah I can definitely relate and I hope I am able to stay sober and not have it be a cyclical process. I wish the same thing for you. :-) I admire your re-attempts and I think this one will stick! This is my first try and I'm hoping it will stick for me. I already start to wonder if I can have a drink, and I think I can, but what stops me is that I am not totally sure it won't get out of control and end up with me doing something I regret. That is my number one reason for not having even one drink-- better safe than sorry, and I need to get to the point where I realize alcohol is really not a big deal. I can have a happy fun life without alcohol even though it seems impossible because I am so very used to it. I just have to de-program my brain I guess.