Pigtails

So today is my fifth day of not drinking. The first day I was horribly depressed to the point of almost being suicidal (just in general thinking that my life was meaningless and was never going to get better etc. but not specifically thinking about/planning suicide) but I attributed that in great part to my massive hangover (to the point that I thought I may have alcohol poisoned myself) and major regrets about the night before.

But the days in the between then and today have been really good. For the most part I've felt happy and healthy and I made it a point to stay positive and I usually succeeded.

Last night was the first time I really had issues and then today is just mess. I'm all over the place emotionally. Any little thing makes me cry. I can't concentrate. I went to an AA meeting over lunch and when it was my turn to talk for some reason I just started bawling my eyes out. I was so embarrassed. I went to one yesterday (my first one) and didn't have that problem at all-- I felt good, a light feeling, and I even thought it was strange that this one guy was tearing up, like wow he's worse off than I am. Apparently not so!!!

I don't know if I should go find a new therapist or if I need anxiety meds or what. This is crazy. Like mental breakdown style. Luckily now that I'm back at the office I'm able to hold it together a lot better than I was at the meeting. Maybe I've just been fooling myself that I'm going to be okay. Maybe I'm really just a big mess. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for except to hopefully hear this is normal?! Or any suggestions. I would love to go for a run right now but I'm at work. Other than that I'm just sitting here thinking, woah, wth is wrong with me.