I've always struggled with the concept of a HP, of the whole God thing, the concept that there is an entity looking out for you. I turn it over in my mind and when I think I have found an answer, my mind goes off on another tangent and I find myself right back at square one.
I have really enjoyed this thread, reading everyone's thoughts, ramblings, feelings on a HP and I think something struck me when I read Alone22's post, being mad at God. I had the same feelings when my dad passed away, when my beloved dog passed away and other things in my life that I questioned the existence of God. I've been questioning that for a long time but slowly, through going to Al-anon and following the Steps, Traditions and Concepts, my perspective is slowly shifting.
When Alone22 talked about "listening to her gut", it was like the "ah-ha" moment I had when I finally figured out a particularly pressing problem I had in my Accounting course. It drove me crazy, I looked for answers for so long and when I finally found a website that explained it simply, it was that moment when things finally clicked. Maybe my Higher Power is my instinct that has been there all along, the one I have ignored many times as I returned time and time again to EXABF and his promises of recovery.
I still think to myself why this time (almost three months ago) I ended things with EXABF after all of the other times I believed his promises, in spite of my instinct telling me to beware. I still can't explain it other than a concept of the 3 A's - I had the awareness, had taken the action in the past but had not got a handle on the Acceptance part - to me, that was a key to my instinct kicking in, that the acceptance of the fact that his sobriety is not a priority for him and in doing so, our life together falls on the same plane.
This acceptance has been hard for me to deal with but after being in touch with EXABF and trying to sort things out, things have not changed nor will they. In talking to him, my instincts kicked in like never before, telling me that this is the way things will be and that we have reached the fork in the road. he wants the status quo, I don't and the more I moved on, the more right it felt.
I'm back at school, getting a certificate so I can press ahead to work in the Accounting field. That's step one, while I do on-line courses for a CA designation. It's hard, a lot of work, but rewarding. It has kept me focused on me, on my path and has brought me new friendships and a chance to be out in the real world, dealing with things that I had put aside being on the emotional roller coaster I had been on for the past three years. It's brought me out of my shell, given me a new confidence that had long been buried and given me one thing I had been lacking for a long time - hope.