Profoundly Confused.
Hi all,
I am new here. I've been reading many of your posts over the course of the last couple of weeks and on one hand they are enlightening on another they prompt anxiety and fuel my inherent tendency to over-think.
I was a fairly heavy drinker for the better part of ten years. Played in a band, worked at a restaurant and generally led a lifestyle that was conducive to "partying" frequently. Never had any problems with work, finances, relationships etc... Then a couple years ago the love of my life broke my heart. I am and was predisposed to anxiety and obsessive thinking. I started to drink to numb the pain and before I knew it I was drinking to avoid the discomfort of withdrawal. And of course things went from bad to worse. I ended up with a brief stay in the hospital and didn't drink for a year and a half.
About six months ago I made a conscious decision to to return to drinking, something I had always planned on doing and the time seemed right. Managed to drink at moderate levels without any problem and avoided returning to my old ways though opportunities were ample.
Then something happened about three or four weeks ago. After a couple weeks of feeling down and stressed as a result of some major work related disappointments I ended up in a social situation (the ones I normally had been avoiding) and ended up getting wasted. I woke up with profound anxiety and made the unfortunate decision to mitigate the feeling by having a couple afternoon drinks. Big mistake. The fact that I was aware of the potential danger I was in only served to heighten the anxiety which of course led to more drinking. Before I knew what was happening I went on week long bender which ended with me going to emergency, I was going through alcohol withdrawal and more importantly had the common sense to try and pull out of the nose dive before it was to late.
Managed to do that. Haven't drank in seventeen days and am finally coming around, though I still ride the emotional roller-coaster daily. Have scheduled some appointments with a new therapist and recognize that I need to develop better skills for dealing with stress and life in general. Wish I could be like so many of you and take comfort in swearing off alcohol forever, but truth be told when I think I can NEVER drink again it makes me feel like I'm backed into a corner with a gun pointing at me and heightens my anxiety to what seems like unlivable levels. It may be flawed logic and addict-double speak but I find that if I approach the whole thing from a day by day approach and in part humor the potential of drinking again at some point in my life, I feel more in control, the anxiety is mitigated and not drinking is easier.
Anyway sorry for the long winded post. I just wanted to get my feet wet here and bounce this off of you.
Thank you.