Hi all, 15 years playing with fire, time to stop.
I'm an alcoholic and I finally need to say it, I can't believe I'm admitting it, I never thought I would. I always used to think that the people who got sober were foolish and that I was somehow above that. I'm not sure how many times being pulled over by the police for drinking and driving, smoking a joint, feeling like a fool it was going to take. My guess it its never going to convince me I had a problem, even when my best friends had an intervention and suggested I enter treatment, I laughed it off cause "they didn't get me" and found new friends. I have two beautiful daughters and a wife that never stops forgiving but three weeks ago I fell off my chair at lunch. I had had way too much to drink by noon (a quart of vodka and a bottle of wine) and had to call in sick from work and go up to my room and cry. As much as I thought sober folks were just too weak to quit I've seen how my addiction has gotten worse and worse every year. Sometimes I can quit drinking for a few days but then I start taking pills and smoking marijuana. Then I miss the drink too much and wind up on all three before I pat myself on the back for just being an alcoholic again. I still feel like I'm the only one with this much substance and gambling abuse, I've also lost 20,000 betting on sports and more than that at casinos, usually while inebriated somehow, that is lucky enough to have a wife that basically looks the other way. I'm going to goto AA, GA, and take a fearless moral inventory starting today. I wanted a running start so i've been doing nothing but exercising, eating ice cream, and swimming in freezing cold water since that day. After drinking 12 units minimum every day for 15 years my last drink (other than communion wine, does anyone avoid this?) was on Thursday, May 12, it was a breakfast beer. But I have to go back to work and my crazy routine to hide my anxiety isn't going to last another day. I smelled some empties in the basement today and nearly puked. I probably should have been under medical supervision I had severe night sweats and constant shaking for about a week now I just have a headache and feel like i ate a ball of poison in my guts and lungs all the time. I hope this goes away.