I was not exactly thrilled with her commitments. She does not want AA, does not want a sponsor, did not want to discuss a 12 step program. This is how she viewed things prior to last night. As of last night, she has changed ever so slightly. It could be a quack.
It could be or maybe not. There is really no way to tell other then to wait and see what happens. It is a long wait.
The trick is to make your decisions based not on what she says, promises, considers, or does - but on what you need. IME that is the only way anything works.
There's two sides to every story and so I believe that I can't walk away from her because of her problems when I haven't fully addressed mine.
There are two sides yes. We all must own our own issues before we can work through them.
The thing I found out is that in order to work through my issues - I had to make *that* my goal. When I had a pre-determined destination (two parent household was mine) I made decisions based not on what felt right or addressed issues, but on what I thought would get me to that place. That failed miserably. It actually amplified my issues. When I tied myself to a decision based on something other then what was right for me (such as being fair, empathetic, compassionate, caring, etc.) I did not move forward in any meaningful way. Once again, my issues got even bigger.
When standing in front of me, struggling with alcohol, how can my wife get any support she needs from me when I'm as angry and destructive as I am?
Perhaps your wife doesn't actually need your support. Perhaps she can recover even if you just step out of her way. Perhaps stepping out of her way *is* support. I don't know - I'm just giving some food for thought. Perhaps you will not be angry and destructive if you let go.
In your mind, let got of the pre-determined destinations. Let go of 'obligations'. Let go of any ownership of your aw's addiction and recovery. Push away the voices of all the others (including mine ;0) Let go of tomorrow. Breath deeply and think about what you need, for yourself, for today. Walk towards that. Take your time. You don't have to be frantic about making decisions. Tomorrow is brand new. You do it over again tomorrow and you are free to make any decision you need to, on any day of the week. I still have to work very very hard at this. Doing the right thing, for myself, just for today, is certainly very different from how I've lived my life up until recently but I have found that it works. It works better then anything else I've done.
I hope you read this in a frame of mind that I am NOT gunning for divorce. I really am not. I am only sharing with you how I re-framed the way I approached things that made a big difference in how centered I felt.