Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to.
I'm simply afraid at this point to post this message.
I'm not prepared to do this. My therapist cautioned me to not make any choices in an emotional state. The light bulb never really went on for me as discussed in previous threads.
The big setback came after leaving work. I realized that I would have been filling divorce a day before my sons birthday. He doesn't know the difference but I do and I wouldn't be okay doing that. Quack or no quack, I'm very sure that my wife would have killed herself. It was nothing she said. I hadn't even talked to her. I just felt it. I knew it.
Once I got home, already plagued by this feeling of the birthday, I was greeted by my wife and her mom. There was an intervention and all the cards were laid out crystal clear.
I know, I know. That's her mom. She's preserving her child. She's enabled her child forever. She was very collected about it and after 4 hours of actually talking, fighting, crying, asking more tough questions, and more boundary setting by everyone, I concluded that I simply cannot go through with this.
My entire family was behind me and actually gunning for it to happen and that was unsettling. They were agreeing with me to not file until after his birthday but rather the day after. Now that I've backed off, I'm left to explain myself and my lack of strength to do this. My parents are not easily swayed one way or the other so I believe or rather fear that they will start seeing this as a cry wolf thing with me and I don't know how to handle that. I feel like my whole family will be disappointed in me.
The codie in me is unimaginable and just as I felt stuck before, I am again. I was charging full steam but now I feel weaker than I've ever been in my life. For all the good I was trying to do for me and my son, I feel like a bad dad cause I can't do this. I feel like I failed. For all the common stories we share here, I'm hoping someone out there has been here.