You're married to an alcoholic. They take emotional hostages. We get co-dependent and just as sick as they are but in a different way-- and instead of having an agent to numb the pain, we feel all the pain.
What you describe is something I've felt a lot. I feel ashamed about it and don't talk about it anywhere but with my T and occassionally al anon bc I feel, like you, WTF is wrong with me for hating what AH has done to me and still having moments where I want him to come take care of me (despite the fact he never did that).
I think that it's natural, in times of pain, worry etc... to want those closest to us around. And your H, despite being sick and treating you terribly, is someone you have a huge history with and I am not surprised your heart wishes he were there with you. I don't think it's crazy at all on an emotional level.
I am sorry you're hurting. Thank you for being so open and sharing how you feel bc it really helps to know that I'm not alone in my conflicted emotions and feelings at times.