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I spit fire ... and am trying to let it go

Old 05-25-2011, 04:53 PM
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I spit fire ... and am trying to let it go

He literally told me about the "sacrifices" he had made by going to the treatment center, staying at the treatment center, and "giving up a life of leisure."

He backtracked when I said "really? And I haven't made any sacrifices?"

Apparently, RAH considers "showing effort" and thus showing love as the following:

1. Looking for a job
2. Going into treatment
3. Staying in treatment
4. The aforementioned lack of leisure

I have not been showing effort even though I:

1. Pay the bills
2. Continue to hold a job
3. Do not drink

My lack of affection is bothering me but he "hasn't even approached the subject" because he "knows better." Does he not realize how my faith and trust have been shaken to the core?

Yet today, while sitting in the middle of tornadoes, all I wanted was for him to be there on my business trip so I could feel safe.

WTF is wrong with me?
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:08 PM
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You're married to an alcoholic. They take emotional hostages. We get co-dependent and just as sick as they are but in a different way-- and instead of having an agent to numb the pain, we feel all the pain.

What you describe is something I've felt a lot. I feel ashamed about it and don't talk about it anywhere but with my T and occassionally al anon bc I feel, like you, WTF is wrong with me for hating what AH has done to me and still having moments where I want him to come take care of me (despite the fact he never did that).

I think that it's natural, in times of pain, worry etc... to want those closest to us around. And your H, despite being sick and treating you terribly, is someone you have a huge history with and I am not surprised your heart wishes he were there with you. I don't think it's crazy at all on an emotional level.

I am sorry you're hurting. Thank you for being so open and sharing how you feel bc it really helps to know that I'm not alone in my conflicted emotions and feelings at times.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:51 AM
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How are you today? Are you safe from the tornadoes of yesterday?
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:56 AM
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this reminds me of how i was trying to break down "love" one day in my head... and came up with three characteristics... love makes you feel:

1) supported
2) valued
3) protected

i couldn't think of anything else--i took the example of love from what we learn from parental love.

anyway, what i realized was with my xAbf--the only one of those three that i EVER felt from him was that, without a doubt, i felt safe. i may have felt all three in the beginning, but feeling supported or valued left faster than i realized what those even meant in a relationship! with addicts, they are possessive over things, and maybe that's why the only way they know how to show love is through having us feel protected... any thoughts?

as stated above, don't beat yourself up for missing him. you ARE a person... you aren't sick... you were a person in a meaningful relationship with someone that you built a connection with--that's completely natural and HEALTHY to miss them once in a while. at least you know you're not a robot
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:01 AM
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Forgotten1- you're leaps and bounds healthier than me and i read your post a number of times bc the things you list as being paramount to a loving r/s aren't even ON my list... what you say about learning this from parental love really made me realize that a HUGE part of why I chose an emotionally unavailable H was bc it was familiar. I didn't get those things you list as paramount to parental love (though I do know intuitively to give them to my d's and yet don't expect them in a r/s-- go figure).

My list (during my marriage) of what I 'expect' of a loving marriage- I don't think I ever got to the 'love makes you feel' point bc I was so busy trying to find where the love was... My "bar" was so low in my marriage-- basically what I asked for was

- don't lie to me
- let me express my feelings without being angry
- trust me (as in, if I tell you I wasn't criticizing you bc I rubbed my eyes and you took it as an insult pls believe that I know how I feel better than you do) and other insanity like that...

That's pretty pathetic huh?
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:43 AM
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Yet today, while sitting in the middle of tornadoes, all I wanted was for him to be there on my business trip so I could feel safe.

WTF is wrong with me?


There is a concept called traumatic bonding that Lundy Bancroft talks about in his book, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"....

"When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh or painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief...but in the situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the same person" (italics are his).

"You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience that the two of you have shared and are escaping from together [when he is behaving - my comment]; a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause....this may be true, but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

I think that is a pretty good summation of my feelings....
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