Thank you all again.
Day 3 - doesnt sound as good as day 18 when I caved - really cannot fathom my justification for it now and regret it very deeply.
I really really DO want to give up the madness FOREVER. I never want to drink again.
Looking back I think I had resigned myself to drinking on my birthday somewhere in the back of my mind - I could have planned to do something different so I didnt have the opportunity to drink but I just let the day come and the cravings take over.
I need to find a sensible balance so I can plan to do different things but also not think ahead (so my addicted mind can implant crazy ideas) and take it one day at a time. For the time being more meetings and get working properly on the steps.
I hope I have learned my lesson - I certainly feel resolved and determined right now.
Thank you all once again for your advice, encouragement and kind and honest words.