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On the edge

Old 05-19-2011, 10:03 AM
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On the edge

Im afraid, on day 18, the longest I have been sober for many years, that I have pretty much convinced myself Im going to drink and will have a "weekend off" the fighting in my head.

My plan is to go to my regular AA meeting Sunday, no matter how hungover I might be, and admit what I have done and start over again then.

Im still teetering over the edge but about to get two bottles of cider that are in the boot of my car which my ex left behind last week, put them in the freezer for half an hour and then enjoy them - whether I will enjoy im not sure as I know as soon as I raise the glass to my lips I will be feeling guilty and defeated.

Going out for a meal in two hours so wont get too hammered but thats not the point - I will be back at day 1 again tomorrow - in reality I wont be trying properly again until Sunday as I have a free weekend on my own.

Maybe I need to remind myself again what the hell feels like when it gets really bad however when I have been sober over a week before I have always managed to control it for a while then it slowly gets worse.

Sorry everyone Im just not strong enough today I dont think - I hope you will accept me back with my tail between my legs when I feel truly ready to stop forever.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:09 AM
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I'm sorry that your plan is to drink.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Pumpkin Soup View Post
Im afraid, on day 18, the longest I have been sober for many years, that I have pretty much convinced myself Im going to drink and will have a "weekend off" the fighting in my head.

My plan is to go to my regular AA meeting Sunday, no matter how hungover I might be, and admit what I have done and start over again then.

Im still teetering over the edge but about to get two bottles of cider that are in the boot of my car which my ex left behind last week, put them in the freezer for half an hour and then enjoy them - whether I will enjoy im not sure as I know as soon as I raise the glass to my lips I will be feeling guilty and defeated.

Going out for a meal in two hours so wont get too hammered but thats not the point - I will be back at day 1 again tomorrow - in reality I wont be trying properly again until Sunday as I have a free weekend on my own.

Maybe I need to remind myself again what the hell feels like when it gets really bad however when I have been sober over a week before I have always managed to control it for a while then it slowly gets worse.

Sorry everyone Im just not strong enough today I dont think - I hope you will accept me back with my tail between my legs when I feel truly ready to stop forever.
Please don't. You can beat this. You are a day ahead of me. Let's do this together. Think about what you've lost because of your drinking and what you will gain if you stay sober. I almost had a moment of weakness but I took a deep breath and prayed. I remember what it was like to feel like I was going to die. How I've blown so much money. How I lost days. How I would wake up and look at my phone and try to remember talking to someone on the phone. How I used to look 10 years younger than I was but in a month of everyday drinking, I aged so fast I looked older. Think of how much better you feel physically. We can do this together.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:16 AM
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I hope you reconsider you decision.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:35 AM
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Thank you all - im trying - I dont want to let anyone down - perhaps I shouldnt of posted this I hoped it would help me be stronger - im gonna reread some stuff see if I can pull together more resolve - sorry.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:39 AM
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Hiya Pumpkin-

This, coming on here to SR and posting about it is a good thing.

...but coming on here, and asking how to not drink today would be even better.

Make no mistake about it - there is power in the asking for help.

How about just going the next few hours without drinking? Then take it from there?

(and nothing to be sorry about to us anyway. We understand, but what would you say to someone else who posted this?)

You're worth sobriety.

Kjell~
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:40 AM
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Don't let YOURSELF down by giving in. You will regret it. We always do.

Thinking of you...
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:47 AM
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You don't really get to 'try again' like it's some new hope or new beginning. It's not trying at all. It's choosing alcoholism over real life. Choosing to drink and simultaneously picking a new stop date may feel like progress (it sure did to me when I did it) but it's not, really. It's just another trick your alcoholic mind is playing.

I think if you gave sobriety a real chance you would love it.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:06 AM
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It's the garbage talking. Just because the thought is in your head doesn't mean you need to do it. Don't fall for your own BS.

Hang in there!
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:09 AM
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Hello all. I just posted to the May Class and introduced myself. Pumpkin, I hope to see you on Day 19 tomorrow, if not I'll congratulate you on Day 1. An old AA adage: Who in the room has the most time sober? The one who got up the earliest today!

Hang in there Pumpkin. We are praying for all in recovery, but I especially will say prayers for you until tomorrow.
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Old 05-19-2011, 02:54 PM
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I really hope you resisted PS.

Getting sober isn't easy. It takes a lot of hard work...and yeah, we really do miss that instant respite.

It's easy to say - I'll just have a weekend off - but it doesn't always work like that. I once lost 2 years of my life because I decided to have a night off and 'relax'.

Your addiction is doing the talking right now. It's not a good idea on any level for you to drink today, and every time we drink we validate and consolidate those insane ways of thinking a little more.

You already know whats back that way - I hope you'll give this way a chance.

I know it's your birthday - happy birthday - be kind to yourself....

start the year the right way...

If you're still reading, smash those bottles, and come and sit on SR for as long as you need to

D
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Old 05-19-2011, 03:12 PM
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i agree with D--I thought I could have just one glass of wine one night, nothing special, after nine years of hard won sobriety, well that glass of wine turned into two bottles a night at the end of three years of hell where I lost a lot of the ground that I had gained during my sober years. And man, do I feel like an idiot for throwing that away for "one glass of wine" at dinner with someone who isn't sober (so who would notice?). I would give anything to turn back the clock and remember how much better life is when you're sober and not seek the instant relief that that first or second drink gives, but then turns into a hellacious monstrous dark hole of self hatred and isolation after that.

And even though you have been an inspiration to me and have helped me get two days back, you won't be letting me down, you will be hurting yourself, and as someone told me, I don't want my friends to hurt themselves. I want them to be well and thrive because they deserve it. And again, even though I've only been here two days, you've been my friend because you helped me get through demonic withdrawal. D's right, come talk to us. I used to have to sit on the phone for hours and hours when I first got sober just so I wouldn't walk out the door to the liquor store (I have one literally IN MY BUILDING!). I needed the safety of someone talking me off the alcoholic ledge. C'mon inside, it's much better than the precipice.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:23 PM
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I hope you made it through the night ok pumkin. If you did drink, I will be here for your day one. If you didn't, I will be here for your day 19.
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Old 05-21-2011, 11:07 AM
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Hello Pumpkin mate - long time no see.
Hope you're ok and of course, whatever your decision was, we'll be here for you
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Old 05-22-2011, 09:55 AM
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:31 PM
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Thanks for all the kind words.

Sorry I did cave in but im back to day 1 now and going to be working harder at beating the cravings next time they hit.

Great to see you doing so well Smudger
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:49 PM
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Did you drink the cider? How much alcohol do you still
have at home?
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:08 PM
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I did im afraid. Then had wine. Then over Friday and Saturday a litre of vodka and 6 x 330ml bottles of beer.

There are two bottles of beer left - i'll chuck em out tomorrow - im not drinkiing today and going to bed shortly.

Its embarrasing for me to type how much I drank - I hope its enough of a lesson learned to stop me next time the cravings hit.
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:28 PM
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When I was in a 28 day rehab, my husband who
was a non drinker removed all the alcohol from
the house so when I returned there then there
wouldnt be any temptation there waiting for me.

That was extremely important in my early recovery.

That was one change in my life I had to stick to if
I was to accommulate any kind of lengthy sobriety.

Why put off tomorrow what you can begin today?

We are all faced with that fear of the unknown but,,,,
you dont have to be alone in ur recovery. SR is here
if you chose to use it to help yourself from picking
up a drink.

If you stay here and read u will find others that have
depended on this forum to help them in more ways
that one.

I use SR as a continueing tool in my own 20 yrs sobriety
because in order to stay sober one more day, i have a purpose
in life today. That purpose is to help others that r still
suffering with addiction by sharing my own experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life was like before, during
and after my drinking.

My last drink was 8-11-90 and everyday since then I have
lived a day at a time giving back the knowledge of how to
stay sober that was passed on to me to others.

You can too.
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:38 PM
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Take the advice of an old hand and throw out the beer now PS - why have temptation there?

I'm glad you're back with us
D
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