I don't think the manipulation is intentional for the most part, but the outcome makes it manipulation. The way they act manipulates us into doing what they want us to do. So A doesn't really have to dwell on his actions, he acts and he gets what he wants. I believe that is mostly to do with immaturity.
I think we all remember that moment in our own lives when we realize no matter how much we cry and sulk wanting things certain way, it is not going to happen. Than we adjust ourselves to reality. That is IMHO the final moment in our growing up process. I don't think A's have reached that point yet. And by letting them manipulate us we are just enabling their resistance to acepting the life for what it is and acting accordingly.
I guess the right thing to do would be a though love IMHO.
In regard to differentiate the A problems from relationship problems IMO it can be explained simply. The relationship problems are the ones you can work on and make them better, two people working things together. But A problems are the ones you have no control over, you can not fix them, you can not make it better, and by trying to do so you're just draining your energy in vain and end up feeling miserable, sad, in agony. As you're not trying to fix problems in relationship, but problems A has as a separate person, that are making your relationship a mess.
I don't know if this makes sense. To be honest if someone told me this few years ago I'd thought WTF are you on about. I guess to come to the point to make the difference between the two one must work on his own recovery and educate him/herself on the alcoholism, build up the self esteem and not allow to be bullied into not trusting his/hers own judjement.
.... Like for years I was so miserable my AH is hardly ever home, I thought he doesn't love me, I'm not enough, I tried everything to make him want to be with me more... but the simple fact was it had nothing to do with me, it wasn't personal, it was about him wanting to be out so he could drink all the time. It had nothing to do with love, only with addiction....
I don't think anything of what I've said excludes the compassion, empathy. I presonally feel the great empathy for my STBXAH, even though he was unfaithful for years, even though he nearly died from liver cirrosis and still continued to drink, even though he stole from me, even though he was not good father to our kids or husband to me. The way I see it none of it was about me, it wasn't personal, it was just his inability to live the normal life and his addiction. Right now I'm doing the only thing I believe is helpful to him, I'm letting him fight his own battles, as I have finally realize that is the only helpful thing I can do for him.