Once Again, Day 30...
Another Day 30 and I am deeply grateful to have weathered the mental & physical challenges of the past four weeks... The cravings, the shakes, the guilt, the pressure, the pain, the travels, the success, the excess, the deadlines, the parties, the shame, the anniversaries, the loneliness, the frustration, the loss, the bad news, the good news, the night, the day - my instincts are to run from all of these things, and I was tempted to do just that at many points throughout. But I didn't, and I'm undeniably in a better place for it now.
Two friends have asked decently important favors of me in the past week, my house is beginning to resemble a home, I'm reacquainting myself with eye contact, and I've been planning my life a little bit more than a day ahead. These brilliant little things didn't happen when I was drinking. There's a lot still broken in my life and I have real trouble imagining a future where I've reconciled my past and am able to reconnect with the world in a deeper way. But I am starting to open to the belief that I will get there eventually.
Seeing as it's not the first time I've reached this milestone this year, I'm gonna be a little cautious of inflating the significance of the sober month behind me. That said, things feel a bit different this time, and seeing how badly I needed change, I can't help but think that that's a very good thing. In spite of the fear, pain and exhaustion that comes with it, it's an incredible experience to pay attention to all that goes on in a day without the deadening of perpetual numbness. Life unmuted is pretty wild.