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Once Again, Day 30...

Old 05-22-2011, 10:57 AM
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Once Again, Day 30...

Another Day 30 and I am deeply grateful to have weathered the mental & physical challenges of the past four weeks... The cravings, the shakes, the guilt, the pressure, the pain, the travels, the success, the excess, the deadlines, the parties, the shame, the anniversaries, the loneliness, the frustration, the loss, the bad news, the good news, the night, the day - my instincts are to run from all of these things, and I was tempted to do just that at many points throughout. But I didn't, and I'm undeniably in a better place for it now.

Two friends have asked decently important favors of me in the past week, my house is beginning to resemble a home, I'm reacquainting myself with eye contact, and I've been planning my life a little bit more than a day ahead. These brilliant little things didn't happen when I was drinking. There's a lot still broken in my life and I have real trouble imagining a future where I've reconciled my past and am able to reconnect with the world in a deeper way. But I am starting to open to the belief that I will get there eventually.

Seeing as it's not the first time I've reached this milestone this year, I'm gonna be a little cautious of inflating the significance of the sober month behind me. That said, things feel a bit different this time, and seeing how badly I needed change, I can't help but think that that's a very good thing. In spite of the fear, pain and exhaustion that comes with it, it's an incredible experience to pay attention to all that goes on in a day without the deadening of perpetual numbness. Life unmuted is pretty wild.
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:15 PM
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Congratulations on 30 days, NobleCause!! I am just over a a month and starting to deal with the things you mentioned. Thanks for the post.
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:45 PM
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Life unmuted is pretty wild.
Yep!! Just yesterday I was driving along in my car and this feeling of vulnerability came over me, a vague fear that something unexpected could happen at any moment and shake me to my core.

I guess we have to get in touch fear before we can start to let it go. I think I let it run my life for the most part. Now that there's no escape (alcohol), I try to go with it, ask it what it wants, question it, etc...... Just accepting it really helps, too. I want to live with the unknown in a positive way - like an adventure - rather than cowering in the corner. I'm finding out that it's a process but am encouraged by the little strides I've made.

I love what you said about making eye contact again and planning things more than a day in advance. I can so relate! I always enjoy your posts. (Sign me up for a copy if you ever decide to write a book!)

Congrats on 30 days!
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:52 PM
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Congratulations on 30 days, now just keep moving forward, one day at a time.
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:53 PM
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Change is constant...how you deal with it..that's the important thing.
Glad to know you are moving forward...
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:43 PM
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Originally Posted by artsoul View Post
I guess we have to get in touch fear before we can start to let it go. I think I let it run my life for the most part. Now that there's no escape (alcohol), I try to go with it, ask it what it wants, question it, etc...... Just accepting it really helps, too. I want to live with the unknown in a positive way - like an adventure - rather than cowering in the corner. I'm finding out that it's a process but am encouraged by the little strides I've made.
Congratulations on your headway - I think your strategies are right on. Fear's a biggie for me. Losing everything in dramatic fashion a few years ago makes it a terrifying process to begin rebuilding my life now. It feels wildly uncomfortable, and downright foolish at times, to invest so much care, time, effort and soul knowing full well how swiftly it can all go up in smoke. But I think that's exactly what makes it so important. To accept the fear of the impermanence of everything and not let it dictate my actions or cloud my intent. I'm beginning to think the process of living with no escape, and no escape plan, may be one of the quicker routes to a fearless heart.
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Old 05-23-2011, 03:26 AM
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Wow!, awsome posts NobleCause, you really have a way of putting into words what most of us feel. Loss, guilt, fear, anger, boredom, depression/anxiety etc. etc., my escape plan was always to numb it all out with alcohol. Learning to face whatever life throws our way with a fearless heart and mind is truely the ultimate goal and acceptance of the entire package, on its terms, is the hardest part. Thanks again for the insight N/C.
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Old 05-23-2011, 04:04 AM
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Congratulations on 30 days NC

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Old 05-26-2011, 02:45 AM
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Beautiful post! Congratulations on 30 days!
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Old 05-26-2011, 03:12 AM
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Lovely post. Delighted to hear of your progress. The 30 day mark was a crucial one for me. A lot of things started to clear at that point. It inspired me to make other changes in my life that I had previously avoided, including improvement to my diet, more exercise and quitting smoking. It also deepened my resolve to stay with the AA programme and follow the steps, work with my sponsor and work on spiritual growth.

To be honest, I had a slip soon after reaching 30 days last time. That was partly because I had not made the changes in other areas that support recovery and I was not following the programme.

This time, it's different.
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:02 AM
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Congrats on 30 days..very happy for you!!
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:15 AM
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Hiya Noble-

Congrats on your 30 days and that was very well written.

Kjell~
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