I didn't know my AXH was A until I finally got the place to myself for more than a few days at a time: he wanted to be a trucker and I put him through school. He'd been treating me horribly up to that point and I was trying to figure a way out of the marriage, and saw this as my chance.
During his initial absence/schooling, I cleaned the apartment to find urine between the waterbed mattress and liner; I found empty bottles of cheap gin and vodka stashed in places I hadn't looked before...After those physical pieces of evidence surfaced, I was able to make "sense" (?) of some things I hadn't been able to explain during our marriage.
I also realized he had never done Direct Deposit in the job he had before he went to trucking school, but I had always done direct deposit. He would always deposit the same amount of money in, and I thought that was his income. I later learned that he was always taking cash out that he didn't tell me about.
It got worse before it got better; he tapped our checking account from the road, once he became a full-time truck driver (they had him do Direct Deposit), and one night when the ATM machines were not functioning properly (not keeping track of the balance), he was able to tap $100 more out of checking than was the available balance.
Also, he would tell me how much his check was supposed to be when it was direct deposited... but it was always short of that: I found out he was getting advances on his "pay."
After the ATM disaster, I went to the bank. We'd been charged $80 in overdraft charges after he tapped it out $100 beyond the available balance, $20 at a time/per withdrawal (and we were then charged $20 per time for each overdraft). The bank worked with me and closed our account because of the circumstances. Basically, this meant his trucking deposit would hit non-post. (he'd have to get the remaining two figures of his paycheck some other way.)
Most banks won't do that, but you can drain the account to 0 and put the money into a NEW account with ONLY your name on it.
I also drained the savings account and put it only into my name.
I had to declare bankruptcy anyway as we divorced, and in addition, we owed state and federal taxes, and he agreed in the divorce papers to pay federal and I agreed to pay state.
Three years later, the IRS sent me paperwork charging ME for the taxes he DIDN'T Pay, as well as penalties and interest, that totaled TWICE the amount we would have owed. (He had almost nothing taken out of his check, claimed something like 5 dependants - we had no children)
The morale of this sucky experience: I learned to take care of myself. I Let go of his finances and got my own. If I had stayed married, I'd've filed Married Filing Separately. I would have paid more taxes out of my income, but at least I wouldn't have been held responsible for his indiscretions.
I got help from the tax advocate by goign to irs.gov site and looking up "Tax Advocate" and this got me FREE help, not like the people who advertise on the Net to help, but want a fee. They can answer questions. Advocates are former IRS agents, so they can let us know what's up.
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Over this past year, my AH found a way to keep drinking without having it show up in any of our accounts/credit cards, since our finances have been really bad.
He started stealing alcohol.
He is/We are currently paying the third restitution fee of $200+ dollars. Yes, he has been caught 3x in the past year. The most recent time was in March. The police were only called the first time. That is why he is not in jail.
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I can't control what the alcoholic does with money. I can separate out my own finances and find out my rights in case he gets into financial trouble. I can learn if he has put my name on a credit card and advise the credit card company that this was done without my knowledge or consent.
What a mess.