Following the money

Old 05-19-2011, 10:55 PM
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Following the money

Well I am finally biting the bullet. After I saw how much money wasn't in our savings account I am finally taking off the blinders and digging in. I know he drinks and smokes I just have no clue how much. I have to get to the bottom of it all. Not to get him to quit, just to have full disclosure of where the money is going. I know I have every right to know. I emailed him today and told him I wanted all the online access usernames and passwords. I told him since he didn't like discussing it that I would just handle piecing together where the money went alone. I requested all on line passwords and usernames. I have also decided that I should be handling the banking from this point forward. Oh you should have seen him when he got home. Quacking with all his might. He had printed up last months credit card statement but instead of the norm of what was charged when it was grouped together by place. So gas stations show a lump total, not a whole bunch of $20ish charges every few days. Got to give him credit for trying to out wit me. When that didn't please me he went on trying to bully me into not doing it (which is the norm) and when that didn't work he said he didn't know what the passwords/usernames were. He uses them all the time! I finally get him to write them down and he leaves off our main checking account. I point it out, he writes it down, but low and behold what he gave me was wrong. (the other ones were right). Just on the credit card alone I can tell he is spending about $500 a month on his habits. I have a feeling he is also pulling out cash too which will be reflected on the checking account. Since he really doesn't want me to see that I have a feeling I am in for a real shock. When I am done we will sit down to complete a budget with his habits included. Not looking forward to that one bit, but it has to be done.

Even though I know he is drinking seeing the charges over and over really makes it sink in, how really sick he is. The emotions I am feeling right now are somewhere between feeling sorry/worried for him and just being done with it....I have a tinge of anger too since we have 3 kids we are trying to save college money for.

Ugh... all of this crap is getting old. I was wanting to wait a year, become a healthier me before I made any huge decisions....but man I'm not sure I can handle that. My poor kids, they deserve a healthy dad and a stable life and all I can see is turmoil heading this way.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:33 PM
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this right now -- I had a very similar sinking feeling about six months ago. My husband had been maintaining that he spent about $150 a month on alcohol and constantly complained about how much money they were taking out of his paycheck in child support and taxes. I never got to see the pay stubs, and we only had access to our own accounts. I knew he was probably not being truthful about it, I knew there were bottles he hid from me so I never saw what they were or how big, but I was completely in the dark...I figured, worst-case scenario is that he's spending double what he says. Six months ago he lost his job -- turning up to work drunk when you're assisting in surgeries is not well-tolerated, no matter how world-class you are at what you do -- and the truth finally hit. He started getting unemployment and I have access to the card they deposit that onto. The real number is in excess of $600 a month . I've tried working out a realistic budget, but there's just no way to make it balance with that in there...savings is completely drained, my vehicle (the only one big enough for the whole family) has been broken down since last September and we can't afford to fix it, and even the change jar is now empty.

I have informed him that when his unemployment runs out, what I make self-employed is enough to cover our bills and groceries, but that I do not have money for alcohol. No matter how much money I have, even if I write a New York Times bestseller, I don't have a red cent for alcohol. The one boundary I have been able to set for myself so far is that he will not touch my accounts. He has his checking and his unemployment account, I have my checking and Paypal accounts. He has taken my cards to buy alcohol without permission or my knowledge before, but now seems to have it very squarely in his head that it's a deal-killer and tantamount to cheating if he takes them again because it's a complete violation of trust. Not to mention I've made it very clear what will happen if he tries to force the issue between paying for alcohol or paying for necessities -- rent for the home where my children live is THE financial priority.

I hope the budgeting works out for you -- or at least physical possession of cards and checks...there's no worse feeling in the world than knowing that the last of the grocery money just got drank. I thank God neither of us have credit cards, or the ability to get one, at least he can't spend more than we have.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:46 PM
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This is triggering me because I've been down that rabbit hole so many times. We budgeted ten ways to Sunday. Budgets do not work because when an alcoholic wants money, they find money. It does not matter what they agreed to so reasonably. I hid cards, checkbooks, and cash. I left my purse at work. I had to stop giving the kids an allowance because he took it when they were at school. I couldn't send him to the store for groceries because he'd spend so much on alcohol.

Get your own money in your own account for family needs and make sure he does not have access to the account, checks, cards, or cash. I had my job and he had a part time job. He got that money and was suppose to be responsible for one bill with that (his school loan - which is the only thing that wouldn't tank my personal credit). He rarely paid it and what usually happened is that every so often we would 'try another budget' and I'd get it caught up with tax returns or out of my check.

No it is not a good way to behave in a marriage. Yes it is controlling. Yes you are treating another adult like a child. It feels bad and wrong. It is exhausting. I don't know of any other way to financially survive while being married to an alcholic. Normal doesn't really apply.
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:40 AM
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Letting a A have money is like giving your money to Bernie Madoff to invest. You ain't going to see it.

My AW had a secret bank accounts and multi credit cards. She used to have her statements sent to her parents house. She used to tell them we were haveing marital problems and she wanted to make sure she had money if we split. This stopped when they found out about her drinking. They relised then they were enableling her and stopped the mailing to there home.

Heres a trick also my AW did till I caught on. We have health insurance that pays what they think is the right amount for prescription medication. The max they pay is 80% and sometimes they will only pay 10% of the total cost. When we purchase the meds we have to pay upfront 100% for them to the pharmacy. Then we get reimbursed from the insurance company in a form of a check. So for years my AW would get these checks and cash them and get booze. This explains why she would always run to the mailbox after the post woman drove away and say I'll get the mail ! I did'nt know about this for a long time, these checks would range from $2 to $200 at a pop. I'm the only one in the family that does'nt get meds. My daughter has asthma and my son has anxiety(brought on by my wifes drinking) and my wife is on everything under the sun. So about every 3 days we are getting meds. It added up.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:33 AM
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when i stopped drinking last Feb. and took a realistic look at my finances, I was shocked and disgusted at how much $$$ I spent on booze.

one of the most motivating parts of staying sober is making double mortgage payments on the principal every month...done very easily since I don't spend/waste $$ on alcohol anymore....my accountant tells me I am lopping almost 13 years off of my mortgage.

i have no one to be accountable to besides myself, but being truthful about how much $$ I withdrew from my checking account every week was a real eye-opener....it strengthened my resolve to stop drinking.

(however, i am female and the men may think differently)
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:15 AM
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I have been checking up on our joint accounts today funnily enough (part of my planning to leave). I try not to, because I have been trying to detach for the past 18 months.

It has definitely been one of my triggers for not being able to detach. There is nothing worse than seeing a 'selfish' purchase coming out of the account.

Its another reason, to add to the long list of why I am leaving.

My AH, because we are separated (but cohabiting until I can find a nice place to move to) has upped his alcohol and cigarette consumption. I have calculated about $250 a week on what I term 'selfish' purchases(beer and cigs) coming out of the joint account.

I suffer from anxiety with regards to money, I am a big worrier and like paying bills regularly and saving. I haven't always been this way and I think this is due to the number of times my AH managed to 'wipe out' our finances several times in the past by making really poor decisions (spent money like it grew on trees) which didn't include me.

The only way to solve this is to separate our accounts. That way he can spend what he likes and what I dont know, wont hurt me. He has never liked hearing me saying about separating our funds and gets very jumpy if I have ever mentioned it. Maybe he knows how bad he is with money and is worried he wont be able to afford his beer.

Luckily I am in the position of having grown daughters and both my AH and I work full time and earn around the same. My personal finances will be stretched a bit more when I move out, due to paying the rent and bills on my own but it will nice to feel in control of money again - my money.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:24 AM
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I have informed him that I have enough to cover our bills and groceries, but that I do not have money for alcohol.
Please dont let your guard down. An alcoholic is going to find money for beer however locked down you think you have got the accounts. Alcoholics are not trustworthy. Scenario: he will be applying for credit cards that only he will know about until they have racked up and that's when you will find out.

I didn't find out about one of my AH financial crisis until I opened up the front door to a debt collector.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
This is triggering me because I've been down that rabbit hole so many times. We budgeted ten ways to Sunday. Budgets do not work because when an alcoholic wants money, they find money. It does not matter what they agreed to so reasonably. I hid cards, checkbooks, and cash. I left my purse at work. I had to stop giving the kids an allowance because he took it when they were at school. I couldn't send him to the store for groceries because he'd spend so much on alcohol.

Get your own money in your own account for family needs and make sure he does not have access to the account, checks, cards, or cash. I had my job and he had a part time job. He got that money and was suppose to be responsible for one bill with that (his school loan - which is the only thing that wouldn't tank my personal credit). He rarely paid it and what usually happened is that every so often we would 'try another budget' and I'd get it caught up with tax returns or out of my check.

No it is not a good way to behave in a marriage. Yes it is controlling. Yes you are treating another adult like a child. It feels bad and wrong. It is exhausting. I don't know of any other way to financially survive while being married to an alcholic. Normal doesn't really apply.
Thanks for sharing Thumper, and well said!

I was the financial secretary in my marriage to an active alcoholic. I had stress and anxiety over not being able to make ends meet. I begged, pleaded, cried, suffered in silence, and nothing changed.

When I cut off his credit cards ( he was using to get cash to support his gambling, smoking and drinking habits), he just opened a post office box and applied for new ones.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:47 AM
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I am not a fan of comingling funds, when I was married I would contribute to a joint account and the household bills would be paid out of it. The rest of my money went into my accounts.

If I had not done that, I'd be broke, not an option for me.

Trying to make ends meet and manage money with an active A is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Can't be done, they will always outsmart you, cause that's their speciality, what they use all their mind power for....figuring out how to get money to buy booze, drugs, porn or whatever they are addicted to.

You can give it try, but, if I were you I'd have a back up plan.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:47 AM
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Yes, my xah applied for new cards as well. He got a store card too.

He was supposed to pick the kids up after school (until he started drinking to early in the day and I put a stop to it) and other kid transportation. He sold his vehicle. He sold it for the cost of a golf membership - so he'd have a place to go drink and he'd sponge of people there. He was a decent golfer so he'd be on someones team and they would supply the beer. We also worked opposite shifts so I had no vehicle on the evenings he worked. He sold things back and forth to his brother.

I have really never known an alcoholic that suddenly become dry and in recovery simply because they ran out of money one day. Maybe they do eventually but they sure as heck get ruthless about finding it as along as they can. We can try to not enable but if we are living with them, and keeping our families in a home with food in the cupboard and lights on, we are enabling them hugely because they have no real responsibilities for basic necessities and I'm not sure how it would be possible to change that when you have kids and share a home.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:11 AM
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The financial aspect of alcoholism is one of the major reasons I had to make the decision to separate. ABF's father passed away January 2010. The man had collected Star Trek memorabilia close to 30 years. He had a garage and two rooms full of the stuff. Some of it was quite expensive. All of it had gained in value over the years.

I watched ABF quit his job of 10+ years (mostly because he couldn't continue to show up there drunk) and start selling off every piece of his dad's collection to buy his own booze. He received a check in October 2010, and he didn't even tell me about it. I happened to be there when the check was written. I watched him spend over $1,000 in one month on liquor for himself. He didn't have money to buy me a birthday present. He didn't have money to take us out anywhere, plus he was too drunk to drive us anywhere.

He was able to pick up some gifts for everyone at Christmas, but that was mostly because he wasn't paying any of the bills. I carried all of the bills because they're all under my name.

When I think of his family and their memories of his dad, it makes me cringe to know all this. I watched him do it. I won't 'tell' on him, except for here, but it just makes me know for sure that with all his protestations of "I don't have a problem, you do." are just a bunch of sick rants.

The memory of his father has been reduced to the sale of his lifetime collection for empty bottles in the recycle bin.
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Old 05-20-2011, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Eight Ball View Post
He has never liked hearing me saying about separating our funds and gets very jumpy if I have ever mentioned it. Maybe he knows how bad he is with money and is worried he wont be able to afford his beer.
My AH just about jumped out of his skin when I told him we were going to separate out the money soon (as part of the divorce). He's never been involved in the money management... just "I want to buy X." and I make it happen. He is awful with money, and he knows it... he's gotten better about not spending so frivalously... but once the gatekeeper (ie. ME!) is gone?!?!

He's upset that his enabler, business manager, maid, cook, etc... is walking out the door. So freaked out and said, "But, but... I don't even know what bills we have, or how to pay them!??!!" I said, "Well, the good news is that I will continue to pay the bills for this household until it ceases to exist... and then you'll have your own household with it's own bills and you'll know everything. You'll have full control of your life and money, and the best part, you'll have independence and freedom from that nagging, controlling b*&ch you call your wife!" (Yeah, shouldn't have thrown that last part in, but I was mad.)

He said, "But that's not what I want!!" My response - "No, you want to drink and spend as you wish, have me manage everything, and then call me controlling when I take care of stuff."

Ugh, I so look forward to the day when I have MY house, MY money, MY bills... i too will be stretched a little thinner than I am right now... but it will be SOOOOOOOOOOO worth it.
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Old 05-20-2011, 07:16 AM
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I also played family accountant for several years, but it was quite difficult when the other player was hiding, stealing, and lying. I admire you for tackling this difficult portion head on; most people prefer to bury their heads in the sand and pretend that there is no problem, even when the debt collectors start harassing them.

In the end though, what do you think will come of budgeting with him? IMO, he'll find ways to finance his addiction, and you'll end up policing this whole thing, which you shouldn't have to do.

ITA with Thumper; it's time to separate the finances and start looking at how you can protect yourself from this person.
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Old 05-20-2011, 07:38 AM
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I was "forced" to stop playing family accountant last fall when the kids and I were booted, AH got his own bank account rather than the joint one.

Since then, I've had to struggle to pay the bills, often begging for the money from him(yes, I was forced to stoop to that level). he also took out the max loans from his 401K to "catch up". Yet there is something coming from Amazon every other week, usually fish stuff and cd's(because you know..itunes or Amazon mp3's are just too hard to figure out) He makes plenty of money to pay all the bills and have extra, he just chooses to spend the money elsewhere. He writes bounced checks constantly, his bank covers them, at $35 each. Based on the notices from the bank, he loses $300 or more each payday just from overdraft fees. I don't read the notices, but since I get the mail I see them.

He recently asked me to take over the finances. I told him I wouldn't do that, because he wouldn't like the amount of money he was given a week, and would just stop the experiment after a week or two, like he has in the past.
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Old 05-20-2011, 08:23 AM
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I hate to chime in with a "me too," but this is one of those areas that really burned me. I was always the more financially responsible, and even before the drinking reared its ugly head, I managed the bills. It just got harder and harder the more he drank.

I took away his credit cards, I took away his ATM card. I yelled at him for stupid fees. It was all "gas money." I put him on an allowance.

It never worked. He was spending 600-800 a month with money we didn't have. I am very disciplined with spending, and forced it on him, but it was a neverending battle. I got to the point where I had complete and utter control, but it still only somewhat controlled his spending.

I checked our online account on a daily basis (and still do now, out of habit.) I checked credit reports. I shredded new cards and hid the old ones. He was never proactive enough to open new accounts, thankfully, but did buy a lot of crap online. Mostly, he was talk and not action, which was a blessing.

Now, gosh, I actually have money. It's a huge relief. I pay him alimony, but just have it deducted and a check sent every month without having to think about it. It's worth every penny in exchange for the mental anguish and the shame of having to ask my parents for money to pay the bills, knowing it was getting pi$$ed away.

Gosh, I guess that is a bit of a trigger...
Separate the finances. Get your name off his accounts. Direct deposit your own money. You will always be broke sharing finances with an alcoholic.

Good luck,
D
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Old 05-20-2011, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by DMC View Post
You will always be broke sharing finances with an alcoholic.
That's pretty much the bottom line it seems. We started out with a joint account. Isn't that how marriage is supposed to be? Ha! After years of being overdrawn before payday, paying ridiculous amounts in overdraft charges, and being always late with the bills, I opened my own account and had my paycheck direct deposited. Then we came to an "agreement" on which bills I would pay and which bills he would pay. Guess what? My bills got paid and his didn't.

I came home from work one day to find the power turned off. (I know you're wondering whose responsibility that bill was, lol.) So I took that one over. Then I got a notice in the mail that my car insurance was cancelled, so I took that one over. Eventually, I was paying everything except the cable TV. (I didn't care if that got disconnected.)

So, all my money was going to bills and groceries and keeping the household running, and all his money was going to drinking and partying with his friends. Then once when I was out of town, he took a $2000 cash advance on a credit card because he ran out of his own money. After that, no more joint credit cards.

So then one day I come home and find him and one of his buddies planning a road trip to go see someone in concert. What? You can't pay any portion of the household expenses, but you can afford to go on a trip and drink? Why I stayed for so long, I don't know......

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Old 05-20-2011, 09:07 AM
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Sorry you are going through all this. I think protecting yourself, insulating yourself from liability, taking away credit cards in your name, or joint, etc. -- that's a very good thing. It's necessary. Mandatory. I did this. Being in the financial field, this is part of what I do professionally with clients when they come to me to discuss divorce, a spouse who has a drinking or drug problem, substance abuse, etc.

However, there is also sometimes a fine line between doing this -- and jumping in the pool with the alcoholic. Going through various exercises, trying to hold them accountable, getting truths, accurate information, rationalizing, budgeting, and all that . . . sometimes all this is enabling. It's part of the 'ism's and the behavior and I don't want to get sucked into all that. Protect myself, yes! Dance and negotiate and all that, no!

Keep working on yourself. All the best.
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:21 AM
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i had the same issue. I was the controlling type. He'd get paid and HAD to give me 150 minimum out of his check and he coule keep the rest. I took of the bills, groceries, accounts, etc. I still have no idea how much he spent on alcohol. And today i don't care because we're divorced and it does not affect my budget. But i can imagine that its a lot considerini he works a full time job and can hardly pay $450/month for rent.
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Old 05-20-2011, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Eight Ball View Post
Wywriter

Please dont let your guard down. An alcoholic is going to find money for beer however locked down you think you have got the accounts. Alcoholics are not trustworthy. Scenario: he will be applying for credit cards that only he will know about until they have racked up and that's when you will find out.

I didn't find out about one of my AH financial crisis until I opened up the front door to a debt collector.
I certainly won't -- I have before and regretted it. Thankfully the only credit cards he or I can qualify for are secured, so they'll do him no good and he can't use my information to apply for cards either. He did go through a bout of payday loans, but now he doesn't have a job so he can't qualify for them and the one he already had his information to won't lend now because he wasn't able to pay one back. The vehicles are also in my name so he can't try to take out loans against them, and they're really all we own of any value...not much value at that.

Fandy -- I'm so glad that's working for you on the housing! We're in the middle of a move now, and my AH is constantly complaining about "moving from one s--thole to another." I pointed out (I know, probably shouldn't) that if we combined the housing and alcohol budget and put it all to housing we'd be able to afford over double the rent amount and could get a 5-bedroom 3-bathroom place if we wanted. In the past two years he's spent roughly $25,000 on alcohol -- I can't help but think how that's half the sale price of the piece of land we were eying outside of town.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:53 AM
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yep, instead of applying my *disposable income* down my throat and ruining my health, gaining weight, i prefer to watch the mortgage balance come down every month....and i am completely remodeling my main bathroom too...I had plenty of $$ to buy faucets, fixtures, a new fiberglass tub and toilet this past winter...it was paid for before the contractor even started.

it sure beats a bunch of empty bottles in the recycle bin and feeling embarrassed about it.
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