Alone22

I think I have finally pulled my head fully out of the sand, but who knows I guess there could still be things I have no clue about. Just incase you didn't catch my other thread from today here's the recap: Wed I found out how much money was in our bank account (which was much lower than it should have been). Thurs I demanded and got all online access to our accounts (after considerable quacking). Last night and today I spend hours looking through things and coming up with an average of what our expenses are each month. We are very short every month. I am seeing hundreds withdrawn each month by AH, many visits to stores that sell alcohol, extra trips to gas stations which sell alcohol etc. I have no real way of knowing exactly what he is spending on his habits but it looks to be $500+. While I knew we were not saving money other than to a 401k every month, I had no idea we were plowing through money we had pulled out of the house, tax return money, mutual fund money that had been cashed, and what we actually had in savings. AH is the person who pays all the bills (stupid me). Meanwhile AH is busy planning deep sea fishing trips and wanting to know where I want to go on a family vacation. Hello we don't have any of that in our already over drawn budget! His response to me when I tried to talk to him about that was "we have a bunch of money in the bank". I guess he just thinks it is okay to continue to plow through everything we have and not save for the kids college?!!! He is either living in denial of how much he is actually spending or he is totally losing his grip with reality. We saw a college planner on Wed who asked us how much we could save each month towards college. He said $600. Does he have a secret money tree I know nothing about?

I wanted to give it a year before I made any major decisions. I wanted to work on my health via alanon, therapy and reading, get to a better place emotionally, mentally etc first. After realizing the above, coupled with the deplorable marriage I have I need to start really thinking about making changes sooner rather than later. I am a stay at home mom and haven't worked in 11 years. Going back to work, getting a divorce, putting my kids through it all, trying to find out how to get them to and from school, finding after school care is all overwhelming to me. I feel like I am barely coping now without all that additional stress. I am trying to envision how much better I will feel once I am stable and away from the craziness of dealing with an A....but with 3 kids we will always be connected at some level. I worry about not being with my kids when they are with AH. How will I know they are okay?

I need strength and courage to make the right decisions. I am so depressed, so worried, and in such disbelieve that my life is where it is at right now. I have no one to turn to, no one to help support me...I feel so alone.