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I need strength and courage

Old 05-20-2011, 11:16 PM
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I need strength and courage

I think I have finally pulled my head fully out of the sand, but who knows I guess there could still be things I have no clue about. Just incase you didn't catch my other thread from today here's the recap: Wed I found out how much money was in our bank account (which was much lower than it should have been). Thurs I demanded and got all online access to our accounts (after considerable quacking). Last night and today I spend hours looking through things and coming up with an average of what our expenses are each month. We are very short every month. I am seeing hundreds withdrawn each month by AH, many visits to stores that sell alcohol, extra trips to gas stations which sell alcohol etc. I have no real way of knowing exactly what he is spending on his habits but it looks to be $500+. While I knew we were not saving money other than to a 401k every month, I had no idea we were plowing through money we had pulled out of the house, tax return money, mutual fund money that had been cashed, and what we actually had in savings. AH is the person who pays all the bills (stupid me). Meanwhile AH is busy planning deep sea fishing trips and wanting to know where I want to go on a family vacation. Hello we don't have any of that in our already over drawn budget! His response to me when I tried to talk to him about that was "we have a bunch of money in the bank". I guess he just thinks it is okay to continue to plow through everything we have and not save for the kids college?!!! He is either living in denial of how much he is actually spending or he is totally losing his grip with reality. We saw a college planner on Wed who asked us how much we could save each month towards college. He said $600. Does he have a secret money tree I know nothing about?

I wanted to give it a year before I made any major decisions. I wanted to work on my health via alanon, therapy and reading, get to a better place emotionally, mentally etc first. After realizing the above, coupled with the deplorable marriage I have I need to start really thinking about making changes sooner rather than later. I am a stay at home mom and haven't worked in 11 years. Going back to work, getting a divorce, putting my kids through it all, trying to find out how to get them to and from school, finding after school care is all overwhelming to me. I feel like I am barely coping now without all that additional stress. I am trying to envision how much better I will feel once I am stable and away from the craziness of dealing with an A....but with 3 kids we will always be connected at some level. I worry about not being with my kids when they are with AH. How will I know they are okay?

I need strength and courage to make the right decisions. I am so depressed, so worried, and in such disbelieve that my life is where it is at right now. I have no one to turn to, no one to help support me...I feel so alone.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:24 PM
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You'll always have the people here to rely on for support and advice. I kept coming for a year and a half now and it changed my life. You're not alone.

I found that there was a gap in time between when I decided to make certain changes and when they actually happened. Don't worry about how long anything will take, just focus on figuring out what you need and how to get there.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:47 PM
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You've been dealt a huge blow in the last couple of days and are most likely in shock to some degree. You don't have to figure it all out tonight or even by next week. Get some rest if you can. Then start making lists of everything you can think of that you'll have to deal with if you decide to go the divorce route. Then take that list and break it down into small, little bits so you won't feel overwhelmed. You can do one or two things a day.

And in the meantime, you are not alone. You have a trillion friends right here who can support, help with things you may not think of, listen when you need to vent and bring you laughter when you think you'll never be able to laugh ever again.

We've got your back!
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:26 AM
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This has been a very big shock to you and to your system. This will take planning and baby steps. Please stay in the NOW, not the 'what ifs.'

Maybe first thing Monday, draw some funds out of the joint accounts and open yourself a savings and checking account in your name only.

Move what you can, as you can to have some funds available when you get ready to gind an attorney.

The job market as you know is very tight right now, and not knowing what field you were in, the only thing I can suggest is go contact California Vocational Rehab, the nearest office, who will help you in any way they can to 'brush up' on your skills, and possibly have some leads in your field, or will train you for a new field.

It will be baby steps. Since you are in California, and have been a SAHM for 11 years, the family court judges are very inclined to award 'spousal support' for a set amount of time for you to get on your feet, or finish your education, or learn a new field, etc, usually not more than 5 years, plus child support. AH, of course, will not be a happy camper.

These are things you will have to discuss in detail with whatever atty you choose.

For right now, get your own accounts opened up ASAP. Put in whatever you can each week or month. This is called CYA (cover your azz.)

You know you can come here, there is lots and lots of ES&H from us that have been through this, and although we can not be there in the flesh, we can be there in spirit. So, when you are feeling down, wherever you are, in whatever room, just picture that room filled with us folks from SR, it does help, honest.

Keep posting, the good, the bad, and the ugly, lol We are here for you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:49 AM
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I am not sure about the age of the kids but I know LTD gave them a mobile phone and told them to call her if for whatever reason they wanted to be picked up. Also I know visits with AH can be supervised. One step at a time. Know that God/HP will be guiding you. Here are some helpful tips:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html



Do you have a HP? Now I am not religious but I find faith in the story of the manna.



During the years when the Israelites wandered in the desert after having left Egypt manna fell from the sky. It served as their nourishment in the years when they roamed in the wasteland, in the shadow of death, when nothing budded. The customary explanation of manna as the seed of the tamarisk bush growing in the desert was refuted in Worlds in Collision, section “Ambrosia.” Manna is called “the bread of heaven,” the bread that fell from the clouds, (Exodus 16: 4) or even from the starry sky.1 It was found by the Israelites daily in enormous quantities, and the Midrashic sources state that “the quantity that fell every day would have sufficed to nourish the people for two thousand years.”2 It was ground between stones and baked in pans (Exodus 16:14-34), Numbers 11:7-8). It had the shape of coriander seed, a yellowish color and oily taste.

And the people went round about, and gathered it, and ground it in mills, or beat it in a mortar, and baked it in pans, and made cakes of it. (Numbers II: 8)


Have faith there is a plan for you and little by little things will get solved. You are a smart woman. Also as an idea, do you know how to cook/bake? some women around here are selling prepared food to the neighbors. Perhaps some pocket money could help.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:18 AM
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Every big painting is made with tiny brush strokes. One little color at a time will produce an amazing masterpiece. Just a little at a time, then stand back and admire your work. You will accomplish your goal with small achievements each time. At first, it will seem like one step forward and two back, but then you'll find yourself making two steps forward and only one back, until you finally find yourself running toward the future you imagine.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:50 AM
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You've gotten some greet advice... So all I wanted to add is...

Have patience with yourself and the process. Take it one step at a time, and like Laurie said, stay in the here and now.

You CAN do this!
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:51 AM
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is it time to take all credit and debit cards a way from everyone, and strictly deal with CASH only? time to set boundaries?

i would open my own bank account..for my own money...

it does suck but there is a clearing on the other side of this...you will find it...ask your HP helping hand....Im sure HE will show you the way..
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
I wanted to give it a year before I made any major decisions. I wanted to work on my health via alanon, therapy and reading, get to a better place emotionally, mentally etc first. After realizing the above, coupled with the deplorable marriage I have I need to start really thinking about making changes sooner rather than later. I am a stay at home mom and haven't worked in 11 years. Going back to work, getting a divorce, putting my kids through it all, trying to find out how to get them to and from school, finding after school care is all overwhelming to me. I feel like I am barely coping now without all that additional stress. I am trying to envision how much better I will feel once I am stable and away from the craziness of dealing with an A....but with 3 kids we will always be connected at some level. I worry about not being with my kids when they are with AH. How will I know they are okay?
You can still take a year before making any major decisions. All the steps you spelled out will get you to a better place. One step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Each step is a decision and you can put them in order and not make any you don't want to. Building a network of babysitters, connecting with HP, saving some money for yourself, finding some time alone, getting a job.

Each little step moves you to a better place.

You were in this situation for a long time and some of it worked. Once you realize this is your journey to go at your pace with or without AH you will start coming out of the fog and the path will open up for you.

I was away from the workforce for over 10 years and am now working full time. I saved some money for myself and it relieves some of my anxiety. It did not however solve everything. I am still struggling and holding on to a dead marriage and an AH that may or may not be seeking recovery.

The steps I took were not exactly baby steps and somewhat of an explosion and although I always made sure my kids were safe, I am now back pedalling to work on some of the emotional issues we had dealing with anger and separation from AH.

My 17 year old was a help and thankfully she can be a help while she also learns along with me how to be supportive with boundaries. Learning boundaries is a big thing for me. It allows me to ask for the help I need and not get involved with other people's drama. I learned which friends to rely on for certain things and which to stay away from for certain things.

Alanon, SR, my HP and counseling all got me to a so much better place inside myself, 1 1/2 years later. I am still married to AH, the job contract I have is running out, my AH is still not in recovery.

My kids are doing great in school, they have lots of friends. College is looming for my oldest and no I don't know how it is going to be paid for and yes she may not be able to go to the college that she thinks is the best for her.

It's all ok because I can stop every once in a while and truly enjoy so much that I missed before while I was running around being responsible for everyone but myself.

I hope you find something in my post A22 to help you on your journey. Every moment you focus on yourself and not on your AH is a better place to be.
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:11 AM
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I too would move some money into an account in my name only.

As a first step maybe you can start snooping around for a job, even if it's only part time.

One step at a time, left right, left right.
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