This was an issue for us as well, but not to the same degree! My ABF isn't as sexually motivated as I am, plus he's older, obese, has sleep apnea, and takes blood pressure medication. ... (sweet mother, what am I doing with him?!) He's sexy for all that, but the frequency was a tenth of what I'd like, and if he's been drinking, the actual performance is negated. He puts a lot of the non-interest on his age, but um... no. It's all the rest of it.
Plus, I think that sexual partners who have been judged or criticized or had conditions put on them in other areas are likely to feel too vulnerable to have sexy feelings until the likelihood of judgement isn't a threat anymore.
Your sex life includes him, if you want it to, but it's not all about him. It took me a long, long time to reclaim my own sexual identity, and define it. Fun, eventually, but uncomfortable and riddled with guilt in the beginning.
- Sylvie