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Old 05-20-2011, 06:20 AM
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I have been searching over this board from time to time to see if anyone else had this problem, and now I'm just going to put it out there.
ABF has been physically unable to have sex with me. For one year. We tried from time to time, and then it just wasn't working for him.

I have read here that many of the alcoholics have acted like they do in that crazy way and then demanded sex of their partners. There's no way on earth ABF could have done that. He physically couldn't.

When he stopped drinking in January, I kept thinking that his body would recover from the drench he gave it and that we'd be getting that part of our lives back to normal. We never did.

He never blamed me or anything like that, it's just like he gave up. When I would try to discuss it with him, he'd get embarrassed or say, "I don't know but I'm not going to a doctor about it." And he'd end the discussion.

One of the other reasons I thought it was best to separate is that we'd discussed finally getting married as long as we both felt healthy. I thought he'd quit drinking and maybe he was that 0.00000001% who could really do it on his own. Then I thought of how our honeymoon would turn out...

Has anyone else gone through this? ABF is only 35 years old. Not overweight. He quit smoking last year. I'm older than I was when we met 12 years ago and I have a few more pounds than I did then, but I'm still fit and I never thought of myself as unattractive. I don't understand!

Oh---and I forgot to mention, my Al-anon meeting has a lot of parents of adult children alcoholics and sometimes an Al-ateen will hop in the meeting, so I've never felt comfortable bringing this subject up in meeting.

Thanks.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:29 AM
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It's not about you... it's not. It has nothing to do with the pound or two extra you are carrying.

It's about him, and stuff he's dealing with. Could be the result of physical damage from years of drinking, could also be the result of mental stuff that plagues him from years of drinking, damage to his mind, heart, and your relationship.

Performance issues are not anything you caused, can control, or cure.



My AH hasn't initiated sex with me in years - I was always the one initiating... but I got tired of that and stopped. Now, we haven't had sex since, oh, well, at least September from what I can remember. It's not about me. I thought it was for a while. I did P90X, dropped all the baby weight and then some, got a new haircut... got myself looking great because I thought it was me. It wasn't me. In fact, the better I started looking, the more he pushed me away! I asked him the other day (ie. put my damn hand on the stove!) what it was about me that turned him off so much. He said, "I never stopped being attracted to you. You're amazingly beautiful, and smokin' hot... but where I was/am emotionally, I just couldn't be sexual with you." Now, maybe there's another woman who's meeting his needs... maybe not. Doesn't really matter. The fact is... sex and emotions are intertwined, even for men. For men, they need sex to feel close... for women, they need to feel close to have sex. When things get off balance... EVERYTHING goes ****-whacky.

Last edited by GettingBy; 05-20-2011 at 06:35 AM. Reason: To add a bit more
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:31 AM
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First - it is NOT you. It has nothing to do with your physical appearance or sex appeal (we are so conditioned to believe that somehow WE play into these issues, huh? hugs...) There could be two reasons. If he is still actively drinking, it could be"brewers droop" when a person is so intoxicated that they can't achieve or maintain an erection. As an A progresses through alcoholism, it takes less to cause this to happen. If it is not only occurring when he is drinking, it could be alcohol impotence where, after years of alcohol abuse, a man's nervous system is so damaged that the connection between the brain and genitals no longer functions properly.

If it makes you feel any better...I know this because I had the same questions. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:42 AM
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Thank you so much for responding.

I felt so alone and awkward just knowing this about 'us'. I don't think I'm ready to give this part of life up just yet. Maybe when I'm 90 or something...LOL.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:47 AM
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Honestly, that is one of the (many) reasons that I have decided I just can't be in this marriage anymore. I'm not an overly sexual person... but sex once every 2-3 months!?!? Not enough for me. And again, it's not about the actual physical act, it's the intimacy, the bond and connection with my spouse.

So, for me, it all goes back to... what do I want MY life to look like... and then looking at what I have, right here, right now... do they match? If not, what are the things that are different, can I change them or not... and if not, can I live with what I have?

I couldn't live this way for the rest of my life. And my AH, well, he said, "That's just life Shannon. You get married and you stop having sex." Bull$hit... my parents are in their mid-60s and are still having sex (gross to think about, but hey, kudos to them!).
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:29 AM
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Shannon, I asked my XH about it and he blamed me - I was unattractive, he didn't feel it for me. We had our kids already, and that part of life is over.

Like I hadn't realized that after we did it once every six months, at my initiation. And he refused to seek the assistance of even the little blue pill.

So I asked, very gently, if he minded if I got a boyfriend? Which I never would, but I was trying to help him understand that he was making a decision for my intimacy needs as well...

Well that made him mad. I still don't see why, logically, since I was obviously so undesirable to him.
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:55 AM
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As said, and it's soooo important to remember . . . THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Whatever it is he's going through, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and more -- is causing changes. You should be going to meetings -- perhaps women's meetings -- and you will hear that this is not unique to you.

Stay strong. Be focused on yourself and being good to yourself. All the best.
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Old 05-20-2011, 10:10 AM
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This was an issue for us as well, but not to the same degree! My ABF isn't as sexually motivated as I am, plus he's older, obese, has sleep apnea, and takes blood pressure medication. ... (sweet mother, what am I doing with him?!) He's sexy for all that, but the frequency was a tenth of what I'd like, and if he's been drinking, the actual performance is negated. He puts a lot of the non-interest on his age, but um... no. It's all the rest of it.

Plus, I think that sexual partners who have been judged or criticized or had conditions put on them in other areas are likely to feel too vulnerable to have sexy feelings until the likelihood of judgement isn't a threat anymore.

Your sex life includes him, if you want it to, but it's not all about him. It took me a long, long time to reclaim my own sexual identity, and define it. Fun, eventually, but uncomfortable and riddled with guilt in the beginning.

- Sylvie
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Old 05-20-2011, 10:29 AM
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I would also suggest that it could even be completely unrelated to alcohol -- a very small percentage of men end up with erectile dysfunction at a young age, and if he refuses to go to the doctor about it then there's just no way to know.

Don't worry, I'm certain it's not you -- we're always much more hung up on our own bodies' faults than our significant others are . When my AH is drunk he'll say some very mean things about my physical appearance, but then there are times that he'll wake up in the middle of the night to tell me he had a dream that paparazzi were chasing me because they were completely fascinated at the shape of my butt. I try to keep in mind that a few pounds, a few stretch marks, etc. would not turn off my desire for him, so the chances are it also won't turn off his desire for me. Never had an issue with him demanding sex while drunk -- nothing works then -- but thankfully it all still works when he's sober (he's 51...A for 30 years).
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Old 05-20-2011, 10:34 AM
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His issues could have absolutely nothing to do with his alcoholism. Too bad he wont see a doc, as they're the only ones who can really let him know what's up. Of course it's not you.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:28 PM
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He may also be depressed. Even if he's not moping on the couch 24/7...being clinically depressed (and still functioning in other areas of life) could be the problem. It is NOT you.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:35 PM
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stella, mine blamed me too! but i think it was because this was the bullseye i gave him for what i am very vulnerable about. the last night i ever talked to him he was like "MY love isn't blind!" as in he thought i was unattractive... and yet, like nights before was telling me i was. it was pretty much my last straw. people don't get into relationships with people they aren't initially attracted to--i dont believe in "falling out of love"... i think people that say that just basically quit loving period. it had nothing to do with the attraction for the other person.
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