Im afraid, on day 18, the longest I have been sober for many years, that I have pretty much convinced myself Im going to drink and will have a "weekend off" the fighting in my head.
My plan is to go to my regular AA meeting Sunday, no matter how hungover I might be, and admit what I have done and start over again then.
Im still teetering over the edge but about to get two bottles of cider that are in the boot of my car which my ex left behind last week, put them in the freezer for half an hour and then enjoy them - whether I will enjoy im not sure as I know as soon as I raise the glass to my lips I will be feeling guilty and defeated.
Going out for a meal in two hours so wont get too hammered but thats not the point - I will be back at day 1 again tomorrow - in reality I wont be trying properly again until Sunday as I have a free weekend on my own.
Maybe I need to remind myself again what the hell feels like when it gets really bad however when I have been sober over a week before I have always managed to control it for a while then it slowly gets worse.
Sorry everyone Im just not strong enough today I dont think - I hope you will accept me back with my tail between my legs when I feel truly ready to stop forever.
