thank you all so much for your support, and lexiecat no worries i am not offended by your comment. its just been very hard to deal with, honestly. hes so manipulative that i got so caught up in all his bs and the idea that we would be there for each other NO matter what. and i have become conditioned to be there for him when hes pulled his stunts in the past which just leads me to make more excuses. its funny though, because when times get really tough he always seems to be the first (and only id say) to abandon ship. i was unhappy for months and still wanted to stay in the relationship and work on it, but we would have one heated argument and he would "break up" with me out of nowhere. im torn because i feel so much hurt and disrespect but i keep having these urges to "fix" something. except this relationship is like a dead body lying around with no way of resuscitation. and i just have to keep telling myself that every single moment until it finally settles in there.
skippernlilg, thank you for asking about my first al anon. i will DEFINITELY be going back. i went to a womens only today and i felt very welcomed and like i was with a group that actually understood (much like you all). im still kind of a mess...crying every five seconds you know the deal... so hearing the other women (especially the ones who had been in the program for such a long time) left me with teary eyes and a lump in my throat the entire time. i have so much admiration for them, and for you all have who have been through YEARS and YEARS with the A's in your lives. i feel so lucky that i am going through this without being married to him or children in the picture. that should be an eye opener to me to run while i still can you would think. do i really want to try to "fix" things with this person and then be the woman 20 years later with a raging A in her life? im really scared because i definitely KNOW whats right but im not sure that ive hit my OWN rock bottom with him. i know i shouldnt try to fix or go back or even try to talk to him about anything but im feeling really scared about being sucked back in
