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dealing with my XAB :(

Old 05-17-2011, 09:18 PM
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dealing with my XAB :(

hi everyone,

i havent posted in a while but here i am again. and im hurting again. my AB of 1.5 years and i got into a big fight and we stopped speaking. its not really the alcohol thats a problem but all of the alcoholic behaviors that are starting to come back again. he keeps getting mad at me and wont try to understand where im coming from about my frustrations with him...his ego makes him think that hes the only one thats been wronged in this relationship. i called him today to talk to him after a while because there has been a girl flirting with him and posting on his facebook. today she said "thanks for the wonderful morning ". i was so hurt that he would be messing around with some girl merely TEN DAYS after we'd gotten into a fight....we hadnt even had a conversation officially about breaking up, hell we havent even changed our relationship status on facebook. but i called and he was being (excuse my language) such a humongous d*** for somebody that claimed they loved me and cared about me so much. he was an absolute monster. i was trying to explain to him how disrespected i felt that he would even talk to a girl like this. but he didnt care. being an alcoholic he desires to find a way to numb the hurt AT ALL COSTS (you all know how that is). and his way of numbing the hurt of our breakup while not drinking is still to get the attention he needs from some other random girl. and thats what hes always done during the entire course of our relationship. the very same insecurities that lead him to be depressed and drink are the same ones that have always made him want to talk to other women and get positive attention from them. its such bs because he always talks about how these other random people are there to support him and love him despite his issues, and how i dont do that well because i get frustrated with him. but NONE of those people have to sit there and worry about him when he is out and drunk and disappears for a whole weekend or when he lashes out because of his attitude. he always thinks that the grass is greener and now hes being a monster to me because he doesnt think i was supportive enough. im not here to get any advice because i already know what needs to be done here (the relationship clearly needs to be over), i just need the strength and ability to move on. i feel like a part of me has picked up his bad traits and this relationship has become my addiction the intense happiness...the intense sadness...the withdrawal stages...the cravings and somehow i just need to learn to deal with the pain that im feeling everyday which he decides to numb away im just so very hurt. and it would help a little bit if he were also feeling the hurt too but instead he just rages and treats me like im some horrible person...despite how much ive supported him through in the year and a half (including a three month trip to rehab over the summer). thanks all and i hope things are looking better for you all
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Old 05-17-2011, 09:44 PM
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This relationship could be an addiction..I think that happens alot. After being together awhile everyone knows where the buttons are and which ones to push. The arguments go round and round in a continuous cycle never getting resolved. Do the breakdown..he is being a huge [email protected] think he may be sleeping with other people due to Facebook posts (I abhor Facebook in case anyone was wondering) and don't kid yourself..he isn't being a [email protected] because you are not supportive enough..he is using that excuse to find someone else that will support his drinking. Of course..this is just speculation on my part..but I will bet money that that is what is going on. Not married..no kids..cut the cord. I will venture a bet that you will be better off. You may be in a relationship..but it sounds like you are already very much alone. I hope better days are ahead for you!
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:40 PM
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reading this just made me cringe--i know the place you're in very very well. unfortunately, you will step out of this cycle when you've hit YOUR bottom.

whenever that comes--honestly--the only way to really get over the BIG initial hump is to have no contact... and even then it's going to be HELL. sometimes, we get addicted to just having them REACT to us. addiction IS very strong and you're brain will come up with every excuse imaginable to contact.

Good luck and keep posting--many of us are with you on this same journey
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:48 AM
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Have you had an opportunity to go to Al-anon meetings? I highly recommend it. It has helped me learn to detach. I hope that helps you, too.
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:16 AM
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did something stupid. went to a friends house last night and after having a drink (im not an A) and watching a movie decided to call the XAB at 1 am on my way home. was feeling a little needy i guess and like i should be there for him regardless of what happened and what he does because he really needs me (the stupid romantic movie i never shouldve rented). wanted to try to mend things again and get an explanation about whats going on with this new girl, just so i can be on my toes. i felt like i was making some headway for once (the anger must not have been as intense because he was half asleep). he told me to call him in the morning. i woke up and called him first thing, excited that we were going to have a conversation making some headway again and that i would hopefully have my best friend somewhat back again. i should have known better. i really should have. but i did it to myself again: the entire phone call he was just stabbing the knife over and over and over again. saying how he doesnt feel any hurt after our breakup (he feels "the best hes ever felt"), that im the "worst person on the planet ever", that all of his friends think that i am crazy (and mine think badly of him as well but i didnt feel the need to throw that in his face), that i should have been there for his graduation and bday (which i took work off for, and planned out...but he never called me post argument), and the whole time i was so upset i was balling and just trying to talk to him. and he hung up on me and texted me saying "shut up and stop crying if you want to talk to me or ill tell the whole world what you did and actually ruin your live on purpose the way you did mine" (no, i didnt "do" anything to him nor am i trying to "ruin" his life). i kept begging him to take the wall down and just have a conversation with me like adults. i just want to move on past the anger but he cant. hes raging and hes crazy. and i dont know why i feel so addicted to him
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:18 AM
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skippernlilg i am going to take your advice and go to my first al anon meeting today while i have a chance. and also thank you to everyone on here that is so uber supportive!
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:51 AM
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I have been exactly where you are and you have to not engage. It is so easy to make contact because as long as you are even fighting, you're communicating with him and until you disengage you will never be able to detatch. Detatching is key. My RAH is still in early recovery but there was a period of time we wereapart and I made every excuse justifying why I needed to talk to him, etc...In retrospect I spoke to him because I wanted to. I cringe when I think of all the drama that could've been avoided. It really just is a shift in mentality. Go to Alanon because you will find so much support. You need to know your worth and realize you don't deserve less. If someone wants to walk away from you, let them.
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Old 05-18-2011, 01:29 PM
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Been there, done that. Finally broke the cycle of ME being addicted to HIM.

I still have a lot of anger, but there is NO WAY I would ever take him back now. I am well past the relationship enough to realize my life is so much better without him. Yours will be too. I suggest al-anon if you're not already attending meetings..

Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post
hi everyone,

i havent posted in a while but here i am again. and im hurting again. my AB of 1.5 years and i got into a big fight and we stopped speaking. its not really the alcohol thats a problem but all of the alcoholic behaviors that are starting to come back again. he keeps getting mad at me and wont try to understand where im coming from about my frustrations with him...his ego makes him think that hes the only one thats been wronged in this relationship. i called him today to talk to him after a while because there has been a girl flirting with him and posting on his facebook. today she said "thanks for the wonderful morning ". i was so hurt that he would be messing around with some girl merely TEN DAYS after we'd gotten into a fight....we hadnt even had a conversation officially about breaking up, hell we havent even changed our relationship status on facebook. but i called and he was being (excuse my language) such a humongous d*** for somebody that claimed they loved me and cared about me so much. he was an absolute monster. i was trying to explain to him how disrespected i felt that he would even talk to a girl like this. but he didnt care. being an alcoholic he desires to find a way to numb the hurt AT ALL COSTS (you all know how that is). and his way of numbing the hurt of our breakup while not drinking is still to get the attention he needs from some other random girl. and thats what hes always done during the entire course of our relationship. the very same insecurities that lead him to be depressed and drink are the same ones that have always made him want to talk to other women and get positive attention from them. its such bs because he always talks about how these other random people are there to support him and love him despite his issues, and how i dont do that well because i get frustrated with him. but NONE of those people have to sit there and worry about him when he is out and drunk and disappears for a whole weekend or when he lashes out because of his attitude. he always thinks that the grass is greener and now hes being a monster to me because he doesnt think i was supportive enough. im not here to get any advice because i already know what needs to be done here (the relationship clearly needs to be over), i just need the strength and ability to move on. i feel like a part of me has picked up his bad traits and this relationship has become my addiction the intense happiness...the intense sadness...the withdrawal stages...the cravings and somehow i just need to learn to deal with the pain that im feeling everyday which he decides to numb away im just so very hurt. and it would help a little bit if he were also feeling the hurt too but instead he just rages and treats me like im some horrible person...despite how much ive supported him through in the year and a half (including a three month trip to rehab over the summer). thanks all and i hope things are looking better for you all
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Old 05-18-2011, 01:32 PM
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Quit being a masochist. This whole thing is abusive. I know-like I said, been there done that. There was always the knock down drag out screaming matches btwn me and my immature exabf, then a few days later "oh, I miss him. Oh, he's not so bad. Oh, he's a poor baby who has no other friends and no one else who REALLY loves him but me, maybe if I just love him a little more, he will change.."

WHAT A JOKE. Wasted 3.5 yrs of my life off and on 10 times with him like that.

Pls don't make my same mistake.

Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post
did something stupid. went to a friends house last night and after having a drink (im not an A) and watching a movie decided to call the XAB at 1 am on my way home. was feeling a little needy i guess and like i should be there for him regardless of what happened and what he does because he really needs me (the stupid romantic movie i never shouldve rented). wanted to try to mend things again and get an explanation about whats going on with this new girl, just so i can be on my toes. i felt like i was making some headway for once (the anger must not have been as intense because he was half asleep). he told me to call him in the morning. i woke up and called him first thing, excited that we were going to have a conversation making some headway again and that i would hopefully have my best friend somewhat back again. i should have known better. i really should have. but i did it to myself again: the entire phone call he was just stabbing the knife over and over and over again. saying how he doesnt feel any hurt after our breakup (he feels "the best hes ever felt"), that im the "worst person on the planet ever", that all of his friends think that i am crazy (and mine think badly of him as well but i didnt feel the need to throw that in his face), that i should have been there for his graduation and bday (which i took work off for, and planned out...but he never called me post argument), and the whole time i was so upset i was balling and just trying to talk to him. and he hung up on me and texted me saying "shut up and stop crying if you want to talk to me or ill tell the whole world what you did and actually ruin your live on purpose the way you did mine" (no, i didnt "do" anything to him nor am i trying to "ruin" his life). i kept begging him to take the wall down and just have a conversation with me like adults. i just want to move on past the anger but he cant. hes raging and hes crazy. and i dont know why i feel so addicted to him
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Old 05-18-2011, 01:34 PM
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I was going to say the same thing cuz that's exactly what my exabf did. He had an ex from high school who is a heavy pot smoker and drinker, as a backup. Everytime we had a problem, he'd go rushing to her. I couldn't fathom how he could go be with her cuz he always talked smack about her; also, how could he go sleeping with someone like, the NEXT DAY after we broke up? Made me feel like he really didn't love me..somehow we worked past it but she would always text him in a flirtatious manner.

Well, since I finally made the ultimatum to get sober or lose me, GUESS WHO HE IS WITH NOW.

We are nothing but enablers and objects to these alcoholics-we're interchangeable. Alcoholics don't have relationships-they take hostages.

Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown View Post
This relationship could be an addiction..I think that happens alot. After being together awhile everyone knows where the buttons are and which ones to push. The arguments go round and round in a continuous cycle never getting resolved. Do the breakdown..he is being a huge [email protected] think he may be sleeping with other people due to Facebook posts (I abhor Facebook in case anyone was wondering) and don't kid yourself..he isn't being a [email protected] because you are not supportive enough..he is using that excuse to find someone else that will support his drinking. Of course..this is just speculation on my part..but I will bet money that that is what is going on. Not married..no kids..cut the cord. I will venture a bet that you will be better off. You may be in a relationship..but it sounds like you are already very much alone. I hope better days are ahead for you!
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:35 PM
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Here's my take. You have broken up. You call him at 1 am to interrogate him (sorry, that's what it amounts to) about a new woman he is with (which is something he has every right to do--you have broken up). He gets woke up at an ungodly hour from someone he is no longer with. Rather than disturb his sleep, he says "call me in the morning." You have the unreasonable expectation of having a wonderful, conciliatory conversation. You don't, he still wants to not be with you.

If the shoe were on the other foot, how would it make you feel to have someone you are NO LONGER WITH and NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH calling you at 1 am to hash it over some more? Wouldn't you feel majorly ticked off?

I'm not defending how he apparently treated you when you were together. He may have been horrible to you.

The point is, it's OVER and you are NOT LETTING HIM GO.

Leave him alone. Work on your own recovery, but leave him alone. You could wind up charged with harassment if you keep this up.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:54 PM
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I don't there is the remotest possibility that you are going to get:
resolution
apologies
heartfelt conversation
healing

at least at this stage.

you are asking a basketball to be a football. it just is not going to happen, sweetie.

now...that said, i truly do understand. i too have had that exact desire.


speaking to a recovering alcoholic a few weeks ago, she said,
"something that we enjoyed, something that helped us to have fun, to be more outgoing, eventually turns against us and becomes not our friend, but our enemy."

i think that when we are going through withdrawal, we romanticize those earlier experiences. this is true for the addict about his/her drug of choice, and it is true for US as well. that's what you went through.

he is simply not that same friend any longer. you not only need to think about respecting him and his wish to be done, but yourself as well, and not put you through this.
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:13 PM
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al anon today helped quite a bit. and sandrawg thank you for understanding and putting in some useful advice. lexiecat, while i appreciate your tough love i think what you said was a little harsh. i understand that it comes across as me wanting to "interrogate" him, someone im apparently no longer with...but to clarify we never had a real conversation about not being together, we just had a fight and stopped speaking. and im sure that we all have very different opinions on this but when we havent even had a talk of closure or of whats actually going on i think that he owes me an explanation. but ultimately like coffeedrinker said, im just learning that it doesnt matter. regardless of having a conversation or not the situation is toxic enough that i just have to move on asap
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:32 PM
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If you read her post thoroughly, NO, they hadn't officially broken up.

I don't nec blame her for wanting to talk to him, but it doesn't matter-he's an alcoholic and she's not going to hear what she wants to hear; plus, if he is with this girl from facebook, it's clear he's cheating on her, so she should walk away, regardless.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Here's my take. You have broken up. You call him at 1 am to interrogate him (sorry, that's what it amounts to) about a new woman he is with (which is something he has every right to do--you have broken up). He gets woke up at an ungodly hour from someone he is no longer with. Rather than disturb his sleep, he says "call me in the morning." You have the unreasonable expectation of having a wonderful, conciliatory conversation. You don't, he still wants to not be with you.

If the shoe were on the other foot, how would it make you feel to have someone you are NO LONGER WITH and NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH calling you at 1 am to hash it over some more? Wouldn't you feel majorly ticked off?

I'm not defending how he apparently treated you when you were together. He may have been horrible to you.

The point is, it's OVER and you are NOT LETTING HIM GO.

Leave him alone. Work on your own recovery, but leave him alone. You could wind up charged with harassment if you keep this up.
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:41 PM
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That's the thing, bruingirl. About the break up. A normal couple would have a conversation, identify that the relationship is not working, wish each other well, and perhaps down the road have some sort of friendship on a different plane and when the relationship fires die down (usually more than 6 months to a year later.). And I know this because I've had normal relationships and normal, painful-in-a-different-way break-ups.

But having a relationship with an A is not going to be a 'normal' relationship. All the things that seem 'normal' for 'normal' people will not apply, neither during the relationship nor during the break up.

As we learn in Al-anon, it's like going to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread.

You're not going to find what you need there.

So, my thought is: don't go looking at your ExABF for your answer. You won't find it. There are places to look for 'closure' and emotional healing and Al-anon has been one of those places for me.

He will speak a completely different language that will be impossible for you to understand. No sense in trying to decipher his meaning, for he probably doesn't even know from one moment to the next what his meaning actually is. (I learned a lot from reading The Big Book)

Tell me all about your first meeting!! What did you get to take from it today?
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:05 PM
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saying how he doesnt feel any hurt after our breakup
Well, I took it as a breakup, despite the lack of "official" conversation about it.

Look, I didn't mean to be harsh. But calling someone at 1 a.m., who is behaving as if the relationship is over, strikes me as highly unreasonable. If it were done to me, I would consider it harassing behavior.

I can tell you are very hurt, and for that I am very sorry. You said in your first post that the relationship "clearly needs to be over." It sounds like it is, from his perspective. Sometimes that feels hard to accept, but you are only prolonging your own pain.

I apologize if I made you feel bad, that wasn't my intent.
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:40 PM
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thank you all so much for your support, and lexiecat no worries i am not offended by your comment. its just been very hard to deal with, honestly. hes so manipulative that i got so caught up in all his bs and the idea that we would be there for each other NO matter what. and i have become conditioned to be there for him when hes pulled his stunts in the past which just leads me to make more excuses. its funny though, because when times get really tough he always seems to be the first (and only id say) to abandon ship. i was unhappy for months and still wanted to stay in the relationship and work on it, but we would have one heated argument and he would "break up" with me out of nowhere. im torn because i feel so much hurt and disrespect but i keep having these urges to "fix" something. except this relationship is like a dead body lying around with no way of resuscitation. and i just have to keep telling myself that every single moment until it finally settles in there.

skippernlilg, thank you for asking about my first al anon. i will DEFINITELY be going back. i went to a womens only today and i felt very welcomed and like i was with a group that actually understood (much like you all). im still kind of a mess...crying every five seconds you know the deal... so hearing the other women (especially the ones who had been in the program for such a long time) left me with teary eyes and a lump in my throat the entire time. i have so much admiration for them, and for you all have who have been through YEARS and YEARS with the A's in your lives. i feel so lucky that i am going through this without being married to him or children in the picture. that should be an eye opener to me to run while i still can you would think. do i really want to try to "fix" things with this person and then be the woman 20 years later with a raging A in her life? im really scared because i definitely KNOW whats right but im not sure that ive hit my OWN rock bottom with him. i know i shouldnt try to fix or go back or even try to talk to him about anything but im feeling really scared about being sucked back in
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post
saying how he doesnt feel any hurt after our breakup (he feels "the best hes ever felt"), that im the "worst person on the planet ever", that all of his friends think that i am crazy
THIS reaction... is a typical immature reaction. Hell, I got the EXACT same reaction from my AH when I said I wanted a divorce. It was the whole, "I feel great about myself! I'm a great person and a good catch. You're crazy for letting me go... Everyone I ask says so!!" Um, okay, whatever. So, one month into our divorce, after 10 years of beign together, and you're already over the relationship?!?! Uh, okay. I am the bad guy in my AHs eyes... Because that's what emotionally immature people do - they blame everyone else, and never take responsibility for their own part.

You need to move on... Focus on you. Stop calling him... Talking to him isn't going to bring you clarity. It's only going to get you hurt worse.
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:35 AM
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bruingirl THANK YOU for being so honest about your vulnerability and being scared that you may not have hit your OWN rock bottom. I honestly respect that.

I remember getting advice from someone with a recovering meth addict ex (mine was an alcoholic ex so we overlapped on a lot of behaviors)... and at one point, i realized they were no longer really listening to ME... but were just saying the harsh advice they were needing to hear for themself.

Don't beat yourself up. I get your hurt and I get why you would do what you did.

I agree with everyone that dis-engaging will be KEY right now in YOUR well-being. If you need to, you can look at it from his perspective that HE obviously needs/wants to be dis-engaged right now. I say "if you need to" because it seems like you are more still in the looking at things from his perspective phase... in time, you'll really believe that this truly is something YOU need. and to be honest, it's been 4 months of no contact for me--and i still haven't FULLY convinced myself that this is FOR ME... but it doesn't matter because this time for me is still good... and in time, i'll get more and more peace.

I'm sorry for the pain he's caused and for his making you doubt yourself get to peace--the strong you is there.
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