1. Panic which for me consists of the dreaded stomach drop feeling you get when you experience sudden fear.
2. Accelerated rapid heartbeat = fight or flight
3. The "Oh no!" feeling when you've done something wrong.
Jen, I could have written that. I get that feeling every time I hear from him. Our oldest says he has the same reaction to even hearing his father's name mentioned.
I think a huge big step is that you're
realizing that this is happening. That means you already have some distance. Another huge big thing to remember is that you used to feel like this
all the time. At least now, it's only when you have to deal with him in some fashion.
So my very amateur-and-only-based-on-my-own-experiences answer to the questions
will that ever go away? Or am I just programmed like that for the rest of my life?
is "yes" and "no" respectively.
If you're not already in Al-Anon -- find a meeting. Reread the stickies. Reread the step studies. The best part of your life is ahead of you.
