sunshine321

Okay, I realize that I'm putting myself down but it's a real feeling. I think it's pathetic that after two years of not living with my ExAB who is my 4 year old's father (meaning I have to still deal with him) that I literally jumped and my heart starting racing because I thought I was going to be late to a parent teacher conference at 12:30 today. I wasn't feeling that way because I might be late for the meeting and it would be rude to the teacher. Nope, just panic because I might be late to meet him there.

Yuck! I hate that about myself.

Peace,
Jen

lillamy

Hugs!!!
PTSD, I don't know, but I recognize it. I've been NC with XAH for six weeks and it's been the best six weeks in the past 20 years. Going NC made me realize quite how jumpy I've been even though we're divorced, always expecting another abusive e-mail or text and anticipating how I'm going to respond to it and... well, making my life about him instead of living it.

You're not pathetic. You're just in continued need of recovery is all.

sunshine321

So upon further thought, these are the feeling that I get that I hate. I used to have them all the time when I lived with him and I still have the same immediate reaction when dealing with him two years later.

1. Panic which for me consists of the dreaded stomach drop feeling you get when you experience sudden fear.

2. Accelerated rapid heartbeat = fight or flight

3. The "Oh no!" feeling when you've done something wrong.

I don't like that I have an automatic response to him. I never liked it when I lived with him (I was ashamed of myself for it) and I like it even less now that I am not under his control but he can still elicit that kind of response from me.

Only now I'm not ashamed, just disgusted with myself.

I know I need to be more forgiving of both me and him. But I wonder, will that ever go away? Or am I just programmed like that for the rest of my life?

Peace,
Jen

TakingCharge999

Hi Jen.
I also still "care" about "what he thinks of me". Pathetic.
But when I hear his voice (I work with him) I just feel anger and nausea.

I also feel I should be done, it has also been over 2 years and a few months for me.

I am not sure if it is PTSD, but I tend to observe those feelings, go "oh, here they are again. Thank HP this is over and it is just temporary and today at 7 PM I got Pilates and then I will have dinner and play with the cats and watch Dr House and be free again".

I can feel any feeling and it does not have to define ME, nor MY day. I am striving to live in the present. So, let's say, right now my stomach is turning. But in 5 minutes I'll be in my car heading for lunch. Nothing happens... I am safe

I hope the feeling subsides, and I hope I can stay as away as possible, because when I do not have him around I feel much better and focused in important things. I try to be grateful I no longer find him attractive nor live with him. So, if I am angry, or worried, or stressed, or resentful, it is still PROGRESS compared to "love", or "longing". Gratitude helps put things in perspective. We are not robots.........

Let's hand our lives and feelings to HP... in my case I believe this is needed for me to stay away...

HUGS!

lillamy

Jen, I could have written that. I get that feeling every time I hear from him. Our oldest says he has the same reaction to even hearing his father's name mentioned.

I think a huge big step is that you're realizing that this is happening. That means you already have some distance. Another huge big thing to remember is that you used to feel like this all the time. At least now, it's only when you have to deal with him in some fashion.

So my very amateur-and-only-based-on-my-own-experiences answer to the questions is "yes" and "no" respectively.

If you're not already in Al-Anon -- find a meeting. Reread the stickies. Reread the step studies. The best part of your life is ahead of you.

sunshine321

To be really clear, it's in the bad way, like a fear based bad feeling you get. Let's say equivalent to avoiding an near-miss of an accident on the road.

It's definitely a fight/flight reaction, which to me is unreasonable when I am no longer in danger. Which is why I get annoyed at myself. I don't have to "jump" and ask him how high anymore just to keep the peace.

Lillamy - there may be some truth to what you said. I am in Al-Anon (thank God) and am coming up on my 4th anniversary (yay!) Still have a long way to go. . . .

Peace,
Jen

TakingCharge999

Well you might be in danger, I mean you never know if he is drunk, or if he will be bugged because you seem happy, or whatever. Alcohol and abuse go hand in hand. And adding how irrational and out of reality they are...

With people like this you just never know. I know XABF comes drunk to work at 9 AM. I guess its like seeing a match when your whole house was burnt in fire. Of course it will be a trigger. Even if the house has been rebuilt and now is more beautiful.


Dreading is good, anvil thanks for the reminder.

RECF

This sounds like not only how I react to my AH, but how I used to act towards my physically abusive AFather.

Were you abused also?

sunshine321

Oh yes but not physically, just mentally. Never quite got to physical because I think his reputation was too important to him to be taken away in handcuffs in the town where he has his business. His image is extremely important to him. The emotional abuse had a profound negative effect on me. Luckily I am a strong woman or I imagine I would have been caught in that web for a lot longer than 4 years.

And thank God for Al-Anon which kept me afloat when I felt I was drowning.

Peace,
Jen

RECF

In that case, Sunshine, it seems more logical to me that this is conditioning you received not from your Ex, but more from your childhood. Thinking of yourself as "pathetic" may also be one of those. It sounds like you're feeling better now, but when you're feeling like this again, try not to call yourself any bad names. They end up taking the place that your father occupied when you were a kid. Try reminding yourself again where the panic comes from and telling yourself that "It's not your fault" You can't control it, you can't cure it, you didn't cause it .

theuncertainty

Jen, I could have written every bit of your posts on this thread. The panic, dread, self-disgust feeling is why I ducked out of the forum for a week or so. I still can't say my heart-rate is back to normal after XAH's pick up of DS 2 weekends ago.

My sister and family have been helping me with the pick-up and drop-off times with DS when he visits his father (XAH). I seriously once made my sister drive around a block 'one more time' because I didn't want us to be 1 minute early picking up DS because XAH would freak out that I was taking his time with DS. I'm fairly certain this is not a normal reaction and I'm so grateful to my sister for agreeing to do it without even raising an eyebrow at me.

About this:
When talking to yourself (or others) about this, please don't feel you have to put this down as "just" mental abuse. (This is a note to myself here, too.) The courts / general public may have a long way to come when it comes to recognizing mental, verbal, emotional abuse as abuse, but it is abuse. Emotional and psychological wounds are no less damaging than physical injuries just because they're not immediately visible.

I've been diagnosed with and am being treated for PTSD; going in to get help and figuring out what the h-ll is wrong with me has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Take gentle care of yourself, and ask for help if you need it.
Hugs.

coffeedrinker

sunshine,

i certainly can't diagnose you. but i do know what my experience was:

every time i got within blocks of xabf's house, my heart raced, my palms sometimes got sweaty, i was excited and dread-filled both.

now that i haven't seen him in 8 months, i suspect that i would still get the adrenaline rush that doesn't mean anything good.

i don't think it's pathetic, not at all. nor do i think it is necessarily ptsd. we make associations with those who have helped us, or hurt us, loved us, or hated us. we react to people based on what they have done to us and for us. i think it's that simple.

sunshine321

Basically I just want my life back before I was ever with him. I don't want to physically react to him anymore. I feel like a beaten dog. Thanks to all who posted their E,S & H.

Peace,
Jen

TakingCharge999

I recommend "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty.

As for physical symptoms I am not sure if they will go, as anvil stated, this is a basic "danger" warning. What would the zebras be if they didn't have that radar? they would fall pray for one lion or the next one....

Anyway I have been reading Zen books, and they all say struggling with "what is" is a recipe for suffering...

Why not accept your reactions/feelings, and be happy and plan things for YOUR enjoyment, fullfilment, anyway? In my case those stressful moments amount to minutes at best, so in the grand picture of the day, its nothing.

It can be intense, but its not important. Well, at least this idea helped me go through today, when I just saw XABF's name in an email and my heart raced and my teeth clinched.

TakingCharge999

I agree it is not "just mentally", emotional/mental abuse can hurt the same than physical wounds (and can last way longer)

Acceptance, self compassion, lack of judgment towards myself and what I am feeling, go a long way. Therapy also helped me a lot in that regard (to realize that I matter and have many things going on for me, regardless of what others make me feel sometimes)