My situation was similar to what you descrive, GB. But I will tell you that I have been out of the marriage for nearly two years and have invested at least that many days and hours dissecting it.
I recognized the dynamics before we separated. And I did everything I could to keep him from feeling controlled. I backed off, I took care of me. I cried in private so that he couldn't claim I was trying to manipulate him, I took care of the kids all alone, I never said "no" when he told me he was going hunting (a euphemism for drinking outdoors with guns).
And you know what? It wasn't me. Because NOTHING changed. Nothing got better. My expectations of my husband and marriage just became unbearably and pathetically low. I don't even recognize that cocooned woman that I was when I backed off and stopped "controlling" because I wasn't controlling him. I was setting minimal standards for a home that contained three young children.
Yes, I engaged in a bad dynamic. Yes, there are things I could have done differently, but I will not apologize for trying to maintain a decent environment for children to live in. The fact that he claims that makes me controlling, well I am okay with that.
Maybe you aren't like me. Maybe you really wrestled and took an active part in destroying your marriage. But where alcohol is involved to the point where your AH says "you're wrong about my drinking and I refuse to quit", well, I can't see how YOU did that.
And THAT is the marriage-destroyer. the drinking and the attitude that he shouldn't have to change anything. even if it might save your marriage. That isn't you. That's HIM and that is alcoholism.
