ErinGoBragh

I have been reading, with great interest, many posts on this board. I have also read what you all call the "stickies." After several months, I have learned that I have much in common with those who have survived with an A. I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but I am married to an "A" who is my "H."

I started attending Al-Anon and going to weekly counseling sessions too. Still, I have so many questions, and I'm looking for answers. I hope many of you will educate me, and I look forward to hearing your experiences.

I left my AH when he drank his way out of a career. It wasn't just that ... I was afraid of him. He never hit me, but he became scary to look at and listen to. He lost so much weight, his jeans were falling off of him. And he started talking to someone early in the morning. I never saw anyone sitting with him in the living room. I also didn't see him on his cell phone.

The final straw came when he came into the bedroom one morning carrying on of the kitchen bar stools and asked me where I wanted him to put it. Huh? I told him to put it back in the kitchen, where it belonged. He looked confused and said, "But YOU told me you wanted me to move it somewhere else." I was very, very frightened. I figured that he might start "seeing" me and "hearing" me tell him I wanted him to plunge a knife through my chest.

Anyway ... here I am, living alone for the first time in a long time. I'm not afraid, and he rarely contacts me. We did have a conversation about filing income taxes back in February. Our conversations are about finances or business-related issues. I never bring up his drinking or how I feel about it, and he never mentions it.

I know my husband's drunk voice and his sober voice. Most of the time, he sounds completely sober. A few times, not. I am glad to be out of that crazy house we occupied, but there are times when I wish we could have a real marriage. There is nothing I can do to fix him or the marriage. I remind myself daily that I am only responsible for me and my choices.

Still ... will there be a time when I will be able to let go and have him only as a memory? Lots of stuff he did left me feeling anxious and traumatized. I work on that with my counselor. I have feelings of loneliness, but they're not as frequent as they used to be.

I guess I'm here for support and insights from those of you who are further along the growth curve.

Hi, I'm Erin and I'm codependent.