I'm new here - left my AH

Old 05-15-2011, 04:41 PM
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In search of myself
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I'm new here - left my AH

I have been reading, with great interest, many posts on this board. I have also read what you all call the "stickies." After several months, I have learned that I have much in common with those who have survived with an A. I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but I am married to an "A" who is my "H."

I started attending Al-Anon and going to weekly counseling sessions too. Still, I have so many questions, and I'm looking for answers. I hope many of you will educate me, and I look forward to hearing your experiences.

I left my AH when he drank his way out of a career. It wasn't just that ... I was afraid of him. He never hit me, but he became scary to look at and listen to. He lost so much weight, his jeans were falling off of him. And he started talking to someone early in the morning. I never saw anyone sitting with him in the living room. I also didn't see him on his cell phone.

The final straw came when he came into the bedroom one morning carrying on of the kitchen bar stools and asked me where I wanted him to put it. Huh? I told him to put it back in the kitchen, where it belonged. He looked confused and said, "But YOU told me you wanted me to move it somewhere else." I was very, very frightened. I figured that he might start "seeing" me and "hearing" me tell him I wanted him to plunge a knife through my chest.

Anyway ... here I am, living alone for the first time in a long time. I'm not afraid, and he rarely contacts me. We did have a conversation about filing income taxes back in February. Our conversations are about finances or business-related issues. I never bring up his drinking or how I feel about it, and he never mentions it.

I know my husband's drunk voice and his sober voice. Most of the time, he sounds completely sober. A few times, not. I am glad to be out of that crazy house we occupied, but there are times when I wish we could have a real marriage. There is nothing I can do to fix him or the marriage. I remind myself daily that I am only responsible for me and my choices.

Still ... will there be a time when I will be able to let go and have him only as a memory? Lots of stuff he did left me feeling anxious and traumatized. I work on that with my counselor. I have feelings of loneliness, but they're not as frequent as they used to be.

I guess I'm here for support and insights from those of you who are further along the growth curve.

Hi, I'm Erin and I'm codependent.
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:47 PM
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Welcome to SR. You are not alone. And it sounds as if you are already one of those ahead of the curve.

Looking forward to having you join our conversations!
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:49 PM
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Hi Erin,

As you already know, you are in good company. Welcome to SoberRecovery. Recovery is what can be had for you if you desire it. I absolutely promise you that.

Living with an addict - the mistrust, the second-guessing, the fear, and the many others things that go with it - is a trauma really.

You are seeking some support and insight...I read one question.
Will you be able to get over this devastating conclusion to something that once was so beautiful and promising? In a word, Yes.

Will there always be a bit of a sadness, a longing, or a "one that got away" associated with your husband? Probably. Just please do not regret your decision. And really, try to not regret choosing him and marrying him in the first place.
You will find yourself in a quite different place one day, a wonderful place, and much of it will be because you were in that marriage.
Does that make any sense?

Peace, and welcome.
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:54 PM
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Welcome, we are here for you!
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:15 PM
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It faded for me. It was real sad for about 2 years. Now it is just like looking back at old pictures. After 4 years it is not that painful anymore, just a dull ache.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:16 PM
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Welcome!!
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:30 PM
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In search of myself
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Thank you very, very much to each of you for your warm welcomes! I appreciate any and all support you can lend me. There seem to be kind and wise people in this place, and I'm glad I found my way here.

At this point, I think my other question deals with fear. Why am I afraid? What exactly am I afraid of? Does my fear stem from needless worry? After all, I have no control over the outcome of my AH's fate; I can only control my own, and even that isn't assured. Life sure throws some curve balls at me from time to time. I'll find myself watching t.v. just to keep my mind off that vague feeling of foreboding - like Chicken Little running around screaming, "THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!"

That's when I throw up my hands and think, so what if it is? I can't hold up the sky!

Does anyone understand the vague discomfort and fear that hits me at times? I also am beginning to see that I desperately wanted my husband to validate me. The last year we were together, I just wanted to get away from what he had become. Now that we've been apart for almost a year, I still want validation from him. Why?
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:42 PM
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I totally know what you're talking about.

I've been broken up from my exabf (off and on for 3.5 yrs) since December, but did not stop talking to him until mid-March when I gave him the ultimatum of stop drinking or lose me. He let me walk.

PRior to that, he had put a gun in his mouth when drunk and threatened suicide. I am still having problems with PTSD and anxiety after all this. I used to get panic attacks that had subsided, but all this started them back up. I will someitmes feel sheer terror, knowing my ex is an alcoholic with a gun.

I too have felt the need for validation from him but he's wiith an alcoholic, pothead ex right now, and its' forced me to totally give him up and turn to myself. I mean, he is in total train wreck mode. The only thing I know to keep doing is, go to al-anon. Work on the 12 steps. Therapy. The aftermath of an alcoholc rel'ship is like having lived thru a war-requires a lot of healing.


Originally Posted by ErinGoBraugh View Post
Thank you very, very much to each of you for your warm welcomes! I appreciate any and all support you can lend me. There seem to be kind and wise people in this place, and I'm glad I found my way here.

At this point, I think my other question deals with fear. Why am I afraid? What exactly am I afraid of? Does my fear stem from needless worry? After all, I have no control over the outcome of my AH's fate; I can only control my own, and even that isn't assured. Life sure throws some curve balls at me from time to time. I'll find myself watching t.v. just to keep my mind off that vague feeling of foreboding - like Chicken Little running around screaming, "THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!"

That's when I throw up my hands and think, so what if it is? I can't hold up the sky!

Does anyone understand the vague discomfort and fear that hits me at times? I also am beginning to see that I desperately wanted my husband to validate me. The last year we were together, I just wanted to get away from what he had become. Now that we've been apart for almost a year, I still want validation from him. Why?
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:44 PM
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Welome! I'm sure you will find the support you need here!
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:37 PM
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hi erin-

i empathise and have similar feelings of foreboding. i also feel oppression, even though i can't put my finger on what i feel oppressed by. it's just a vague feeling that's always there, even though i am in a safe place now, away from the alcoholic madness.

i'm no expert on this, but i think, for myself, that i feel that this is the fallout from living in a pressure zone with my alcoholic. so many times, he crossed the line of what i thought he would do. when i thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. when i thought, surely he's not capable of that, he was.

after years of not being exactly sure what i would come home to, or wake up to, i think that the feeling of oppression/foreboding is residual from this trauma.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:01 PM
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YES, I so understand what I am reading here. I wonder if I have a sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. I am working my steps and focusing on me. I have no interest whatsoever in getting involved in another relationship, so at least that part of codie-ness is not rearing its ugly head, as it has in the past.

I am ashamed that I lived with such an intense and extreme level of insanity for too long. I question my judgment and wonder how sick I must have become to put up with such nonsense. It is difficult at times for me to forgive myself for putting up with so much before I had enough.

I hope with hard work on my part, support from my Al-Anon groups, and advice here, I will eventually get over this. I don't discuss my husband's (or my own) crazy behaviors with non-alcoholics/non-codependents. They would not understand. It's good to be around others who know how I feel.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:26 PM
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Erin, I understand what you're going through. I left my AH eight months ago and sometimes when I'm alone I think about all the things he put me through, and sometimes I feel so much resentment, so much pain inside. Ironically, I still talk to him and can't seem to let go, and I do look forward to the time when I will look back and everything will seem so far from my reality. But I guess it takes time and work to get to that point. The good thing is that those feelings help remind us why we left and why we must stay away.
Hope everything goes well for you. I also joined sober recovery recently and I have to say I'm really happy to have found this site. It is not easy to talk about this things with anyone, so being in touch with people who have gone through the same things is really comforting! :o)
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:12 AM
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Ugh, I am the same. I feel so much resentment. He's with this dumb pothead ex whom he'd been messing around with when I met him. They have this stupid weird codependent relationship that basically goes like this: he hooks up with her regularly until he finds someone else. Then he kind of dumps her but still keeps her around as a backup.

If things go wrong with his gf, he goes straight to her. She's a doormat with low self esteem and parties with him. She's probably an alcoholic as well as a pothead.

then he eventually decides she is lame and dumps her for someone else. RINSE REPEAT

This has been going on for 7 years. I WISH he had just ignored me when we met back in 2007. I wish he had just STAYED WITH HER and left me out of their dumb codependent alcoholic reindeer games.

I want to tell him that so badly but there's no point-it's just venting mad anger and frustration.

Originally Posted by ONEinaMILLION View Post
Erin, I understand what you're going through. I left my AH eight months ago and sometimes when I'm alone I think about all the things he put me through, and sometimes I feel so much resentment, so much pain inside. Ironically, I still talk to him and can't seem to let go, and I do look forward to the time when I will look back and everything will seem so far from my reality. But I guess it takes time and work to get to that point. The good thing is that those feelings help remind us why we left and why we must stay away.
Hope everything goes well for you. I also joined sober recovery recently and I have to say I'm really happy to have found this site. It is not easy to talk about this things with anyone, so being in touch with people who have gone through the same things is really comforting! :o)
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:38 AM
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Well I'm in the same boat I left my A.B.F. I still love him and haven't yet completely let go. But I do not regret leaving him and getting out of the traumatic stress of it all, I love and still love the man with all my being. But I love myself and my son too much to have stayed. I finally realized that I could not fix him and for once in a long time I don't have to sit in dread of his drinking days... Now if he calls drunk, all I have to do is hang up, Only he has control over his life and his drinking, I don't, I can only control me and my actions... Oh he has begged me to come home and my reply to him come back to what??? Because I left him countless of times and would come back and the process would start all over again.. Finally I got a place of my own, yes at times I miss him, but I don't miss the Kaos & drama... Dealing with lonliness is much easier and its getting better, Peace of mind means everything. Hang in here with us, this board has been a "God Sent" To Me. Hugs.
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:31 AM
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I can relate to the ptsd from having lived with an active "A". Mine threatened suicide too which I read is a form of abuse to us. A way to keep us hooked. Now 4 yrs. after divorce and with no contact I am a new person. I am active in Alanon. I will lead a newcomers meeting tonight. It gets better.
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