Thanks again Ryan. You are so right. I think part of my "being done" has a lot to do with wanting to have my wits about me at all times. I have felt that before but I don't know this is different. Something has snapped. Like during the robbery when I thought they were going to put a bullet in my head (I mean I beleived it to my core) I keep coming back to the thought that - that was my very last chance. It was a sign if you will that I had to get healthy or I WOULD never see my girls again. As awful and terrifying as it was - I had to see something positive come out of it. And that was well I had an excuse to start turning my life around. I had to stop the horrifying thought that what happened if something like that happened with my kids around and I was too wasted to react appropriately. I would never forgive myself. **** - I really am being honest here. I haven't expressed that thought out loud yet. - the what if you know? I feel so guilty about not having changed something after my mum was attacked. ABout what my poor girls must have gone through - with their own fear of what could happen and then not knowing if there parents would be able to help them if it did. I wonder how I will ever forgive myself. I need to start making it up to them. To help them to feel safe. I am ahsamed of myself. and I'm never going there again. - Think I'll have a cup of hot chocolate now ;-)