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Is this the place to tell my story?

Old 05-09-2011, 11:10 PM
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Is this the place to tell my story?

Hi everyone.

Its 8am where I am, and today is day 7. perhaps I am unreasonably proud of myself. I feel like I might be kidding myself. does that make sense? I feel like I'm telling myself I'm done drinking for good and deep down inside I know Im going to fail. yet for the first time in I don't know how long I have abstained from drinking by CHOICE. not because it wasn't there to drink. That feels like an acheivement. A start if you will.

I'm going through some unbeleivable stress at the moment and... well lets face it I don't have anyone to talk to and would like to kind of get a pat on the back for not drinking at this time.

I know the new comers forum is likely for introductions only so if anyone could tell me where I could post "my story" I would be grateful. Just to get all this off my chest.

Feel kind of silly for wanting to share, but I cannot bottle this up. Makes the bottle rather tempting.....

Thanks in advance


Me
x
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:29 PM
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Laura~

7 days is a miracle! Actually each moment for me is a miracle. Each and every moment I choose to put my attention toward something healthy instead is a miracle that comes from practice.
You may "feel" like you will fail but remember that feelings arent facts, they are just feelings.
For me journaling and telling my story helps keep me sane and keeps me accountable so YAY for you that you want to share, and you never know, you may just help someone who is just sober today.
I wish you the best and congratulations on your new start!!!!
~namaste
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:33 PM
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Hi Laura, and welcome to SR!

You should be really proud of those 7 days. Congrats on that!
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:43 PM
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Welcome to SR, and congrats on 7 days! I felt that way on day 7...and still do on day 20. Every single day I am proud of myself and grateful that I made the choice that was best for ME.

And I don't see why you can't post your story on this thread. Everyone has one...I've shared mine and I can tell you, it was a weight off my shoulders and instrumental in getting to day 20 and still feeling as strong as I did on day 1 (if not stronger). Please feel free to share, we are all here to listen, learn, and offer support. I guarantee you that you will have lots of positive responses and comments from people in your situation who can relate.
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:53 PM
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Congratulations on the 7 days.

YES

this "is " the place to post your story .

Hang in there

Well done

L
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:42 AM
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You do deserve a pat on the back and you'll definitely get encouragement here. =)
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:59 AM
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Thank you everyone. Looking through the threads itself has helped me feel strong! a ouple of people I have related to so closely but couldnt PM because I litereally just signed up today.

Where to begin. I fell pregnant at 18, I'm still with my daughters father 14 year on and we have two gorgeous daughters now. My husband has always been a heavy drinker. My mother and step father were heavy drinkers when I lived with them. And no I'm not looking for excuses. Anymore.

I started drinking heavily after my first child was born and couldn't get my husband to cut down. I rmember thinking (crazily) if you cant beat em join em, and effectively made a concious choice to be a drinker. Naturally it went from strength to strength. I have tried switching my drink of choice from wine to beer, because I didnt get so drunk on beer - apparently. I did, I just wanted to beleive otherwise. Perhaps the hangover was a little easier to deal with, but the result was always the same with either drink. For 5 years my husband and I and a friend of hours would drink 5 litres of wine a night, or a case of beer (24). This - every night.

Eventually we emigrated from South Africa to the UK and prior to the move I convinced myself that I would stop drinking in the UK because after all I was only drinking in South Africa because of the stress of living in fear of the crime here. What crap. My drinking continued. To the same capacity for the next 5 years.

We returned to South Africa in 2007 and by that time I had stopped drinking wine. Except on occasions. But I had stopped drinking wine. Ha ha - I have to laugh at my own niavete...

So we drank beer. Case after case after case. again every day. I knew it was a problem and so did my husband. He knew I had a problem. not him. I aksed him to help me by not bringing booze home (let it be said that I suffer minimal withdrawal symtoms). He said that he would never stop drinking and that I should just not drink if I didn't want it. Anyway needless to say, there was yet another excuse to continue this bahaviour. It was his fault because he refused to give up as well.

I woke up every day thinking I'm not going to drink today even if my husband brings it home. But the old demon came back. Well if you cant beat em join em.......

I actually feel guilty about all the blame I have put on my husband when I now realise that the choice has been mine and mine alone.

Things have started to go totally pear shaped. In 2008 my father in law shot during an armed robbery at a restaurant. He's fine now but Im ashamed to say that my husband and I were both two sheets to the wind when it happened. Thankfully not so far gone that we couldn't go to the hospital but none the less...

Then last year. The property we live on (I should explain that its a farm like property with lots of houses on it. including my mums house, the house we were living in and my in laws place) seem to come ünder attack.

4 men walked into my mothers house and held her and my brother at gun point. ransacked the house and - shall we just say did the worst that could be done to a woman was done to my mother while my brother could do nothing.

Needless to say my mother left the country and while she was negative for HIV she has since been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's going to be ok. But round about the time of the attack I didn't concern myself with my drinking. I just couldn't deal with this. I still can't.

Four weeks ago a friend and I went to visit my brother at his place. We were there for 15 minutes maybe and as he was opening the security gate to let us out 3 men came up the porch steps. He tried to close the gate but they shot him in the leg. Told us all to lie down and frisked us. Took a few things, tied us up and left. They didn't harm us other than shooting my brother in the leg. I thought I was never going to see my daughters again.

These things happen so suddenly. So so quickly. After the police had left and my brother was on his way to hospital drank up a storm - or rather continued drinking up a storm. I drank for the next 3 weeks as I usually would and then cracked up completely one night. Crying and hysterical.

The next morning I made an apointment with my Dr and the day after he nearly put me in hospital. My blood pressure was 180/112. My heart rate was racing.
I hadnt drank the night before to be sure that everything would be accurate.
He put me on beta blockers and anti anxiety meds.

Anyway I went home and started googling the meds which said I could drink in moderation and then it hit me like a tone of bricks. It's time. no more. If I am going to get through all this trauma and live I have to do it without drinking. I have to do it the right way. Drinking only compounds my anxiety and fearfulness and I just don't want it anymore.

Suddenly its all fallen into place. If my husband wants to drink then thats HIS choice. I am stopping - have stopped - for me and me alone.

That was 7 days ago. in the house there is 3/4 of a case of beer and 4 litres of wine. I haven't touched any. I have wanted to - but I have convinced myself that I can't drink on beta blockers and my heart will stop. I know thats not the case but still it helps.

I have told my girls that I am done. I can't let them down again. I can't let myself down.

Im never going to wake up with that sour taste in my mouth again. I'm never going to wake up drunk again. My husband may have noticed - but he hasn't said anything. I'm glad. I need to do this my way.

Thanks for listening and I hope to make some friends here.

Stay sober everyone.
xxx
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:04 AM
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One week with a clear mind! Awesome! Doesn't it feel great? It only gets better let me tell you!

And yes Post your story. I know I would enjoy reading it. Listening to other peoples experiences is what helps most of us stay sober I say. Post away!

And again, Fantastic job! Keep it up!

-Ryan
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:07 AM
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Originally Posted by laura1978 View Post
Thank you everyone. Looking through the threads itself has helped me feel strong! a ouple of people I have related to so closely but couldnt PM because I litereally just signed up today.

Where to begin. I fell pregnant at 18, I'm still with my daughters father 14 year on and we have two gorgeous daughters now. My husband has always been a heavy drinker. My mother and step father were heavy drinkers when I lived with them. And no I'm not looking for excuses. Anymore.

I started drinking heavily after my first child was born and couldn't get my husband to cut down. I rmember thinking (crazily) if you cant beat em join em, and effectively made a concious choice to be a drinker. Naturally it went from strength to strength. I have tried switching my drink of choice from wine to beer, because I didnt get so drunk on beer - apparently. I did, I just wanted to beleive otherwise. Perhaps the hangover was a little easier to deal with, but the result was always the same with either drink. For 5 years my husband and I and a friend of hours would drink 5 litres of wine a night, or a case of beer (24). This - every night.

Eventually we emigrated from South Africa to the UK and prior to the move I convinced myself that I would stop drinking in the UK because after all I was only drinking in South Africa because of the stress of living in fear of the crime here. What crap. My drinking continued. To the same capacity for the next 5 years.

We returned to South Africa in 2007 and by that time I had stopped drinking wine. Except on occasions. But I had stopped drinking wine. Ha ha - I have to laugh at my own niavete...

So we drank beer. Case after case after case. again every day. I knew it was a problem and so did my husband. He knew I had a problem. not him. I aksed him to help me by not bringing booze home (let it be said that I suffer minimal withdrawal symtoms). He said that he would never stop drinking and that I should just not drink if I didn't want it. Anyway needless to say, there was yet another excuse to continue this bahaviour. It was his fault because he refused to give up as well.

I woke up every day thinking I'm not going to drink today even if my husband brings it home. But the old demon came back. Well if you cant beat em join em.......

I actually feel guilty about all the blame I have put on my husband when I now realise that the choice has been mine and mine alone.

Things have started to go totally pear shaped. In 2008 my father in law shot during an armed robbery at a restaurant. He's fine now but Im ashamed to say that my husband and I were both two sheets to the wind when it happened. Thankfully not so far gone that we couldn't go to the hospital but none the less...

Then last year. The property we live on (I should explain that its a farm like property with lots of houses on it. including my mums house, the house we were living in and my in laws place) seem to come ünder attack.

4 men walked into my mothers house and held her and my brother at gun point. ransacked the house and - shall we just say did the worst that could be done to a woman was done to my mother while my brother could do nothing.

Needless to say my mother left the country and while she was negative for HIV she has since been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's going to be ok. But round about the time of the attack I didn't concern myself with my drinking. I just couldn't deal with this. I still can't.

Four weeks ago a friend and I went to visit my brother at his place. We were there for 15 minutes maybe and as he was opening the security gate to let us out 3 men came up the porch steps. He tried to close the gate but they shot him in the leg. Told us all to lie down and frisked us. Took a few things, tied us up and left. They didn't harm us other than shooting my brother in the leg. I thought I was never going to see my daughters again.

These things happen so suddenly. So so quickly. After the police had left and my brother was on his way to hospital drank up a storm - or rather continued drinking up a storm. I drank for the next 3 weeks as I usually would and then cracked up completely one night. Crying and hysterical.

The next morning I made an apointment with my Dr and the day after he nearly put me in hospital. My blood pressure was 180/112. My heart rate was racing.
I hadnt drank the night before to be sure that everything would be accurate.
He put me on beta blockers and anti anxiety meds.

Anyway I went home and started googling the meds which said I could drink in moderation and then it hit me like a tone of bricks. It's time. no more. If I am going to get through all this trauma and live I have to do it without drinking. I have to do it the right way. Drinking only compounds my anxiety and fearfulness and I just don't want it anymore.

Suddenly its all fallen into place. If my husband wants to drink then thats HIS choice. I am stopping - have stopped - for me and me alone.

That was 7 days ago. in the house there is 3/4 of a case of beer and 4 litres of wine. I haven't touched any. I have wanted to - but I have convinced myself that I can't drink on beta blockers and my heart will stop. I know thats not the case but still it helps.

I have told my girls that I am done. I can't let them down again. I can't let myself down.

Im never going to wake up with that sour taste in my mouth again. I'm never going to wake up drunk again. My husband may have noticed - but he hasn't said anything. I'm glad. I need to do this my way.

Thanks for listening and I hope to make some friends here.

Stay sober everyone.
xxx

Firstly , Thank you for your honesty. My goodness what a ride you have been on .

One thing I observed , and I hope you dont mind me saying this.

You , like me, gave ALL your thought to alcohol . I did exactly the same. What if , No more today , not that again , switch the drinks, all of it.

I have no real credentials on this site as I only drank again the other night..NO EXCUSES>
but.

If you want to stop.

My experience albiet short is,, It is already better.

thats it ...

It seems to get better pretty quickly ..

Thanks for your honesty and please keep all on SR up to date...

There is , I have found out, no judgement here.

None at all

Just support

kind regards from the land of the shrimp on the barbie.

L
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:11 AM
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Its hard to not feel judged when I judge myself so harshly :-) but I'm trying :-)
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:14 AM
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Another thing that springs to mind is hiding it. I am an expert at hiding it - like I would not drink at all at family gatherings. Eyedrops and breath mints for the hangover. saying no to offers of a drink from people who weren't in the know....
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:15 AM
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Thank you Ryan - yes it feels great. Fantastic actually. and I love hot chocolate! lol
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:22 AM
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Wow! I'm disturbed with how much crime you deal with in your area. Thats a real scary place to live. But alcohol isn't going to change the environment you live in at all. All at most it will do is put a cloak over it, and in all honestly, the way you make it sound I would want my full attention at all times.

I truly am glad to see you are taking the sober route. Dealing with reality can be hell on wheels sometimes. But not being under the influence yields better decision making. Ultimately, you will feel better and better each day.

As for your husband, he may feel resentful of your decision maybe? Im sure he has clearly noticed. Some people say they dont care if you want to quit. But Im finding out in my personal life (only been sober 2 weeks), that some of my drinking pals don't like the fact I quit. But while others praise the fact I did, and are very proud. Those are the ones who are true friends.

Anyways thanks for sharing! and Welcome to SR!

-Ryan
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:37 AM
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Originally Posted by laura1978 View Post
Another thing that springs to mind is hiding it. I am an expert at hiding it - like I would not drink at all at family gatherings. Eyedrops and breath mints for the hangover. saying no to offers of a drink from people who weren't in the know....
I treat patients every day ...Hiding was my specialty ...

UNTIL

an elderly patient of mine said one morning ...

"you smell like wine"

I was so embarrased

It was normal for me to hide it...

It took so much energy ....



take care and thank you for posting

L

Last edited by Lipitor; 05-10-2011 at 01:38 AM. Reason: bloody spelling mistake.. I need to do basic english classes
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:37 AM
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Thanks again Ryan. You are so right. I think part of my "being done" has a lot to do with wanting to have my wits about me at all times. I have felt that before but I don't know this is different. Something has snapped. Like during the robbery when I thought they were going to put a bullet in my head (I mean I beleived it to my core) I keep coming back to the thought that - that was my very last chance. It was a sign if you will that I had to get healthy or I WOULD never see my girls again. As awful and terrifying as it was - I had to see something positive come out of it. And that was well I had an excuse to start turning my life around. I had to stop the horrifying thought that what happened if something like that happened with my kids around and I was too wasted to react appropriately. I would never forgive myself. **** - I really am being honest here. I haven't expressed that thought out loud yet. - the what if you know? I feel so guilty about not having changed something after my mum was attacked. ABout what my poor girls must have gone through - with their own fear of what could happen and then not knowing if there parents would be able to help them if it did. I wonder how I will ever forgive myself. I need to start making it up to them. To help them to feel safe. I am ahsamed of myself. and I'm never going there again. - Think I'll have a cup of hot chocolate now ;-)
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:40 AM
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Welcome! Great job! Im sorry for all the problems in your country. Like every other problem in life (and there are plenty) I found slowly but surely...alcohol makes problems worse. It also creates problems we would have never had if we had abstained. Good luck!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by laura1978 View Post
Its 8am where I am, and today is day 7. perhaps I am unreasonably proud of myself. I feel like I might be kidding myself. does that make sense? I feel like I'm telling myself I'm done drinking for good and deep down inside I know Im going to fail.
I think it's easy to feel that way when you have no sober life to relate to. I know when I quit drinking I just had no reference for sober fun, relaxation... just living! So it all felt quite fake and precarious. But every day you're sober you build a little. And now 8 mos in I have a lovely life that I'd hate to lose.

Congratulations on 7 days. Here's to 7 more. And then more. And them more!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:29 AM
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Thank you SSIL. I hadn't even though of the 7 more. Thank you for saying that - because I would like to come on here in 7 more days and say "14 days down!" - a new goal!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:43 AM
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So happy for your progress, thank you for sharing your story. Many of us on this site don't know what it is like to live in your part of the world. I am in Canada, however have family in SA and have heard similar stories of violence.

Keep up the good work, honestly you will be proud of yourself everyday you wake up with a clear head. Your children will thank you. It is worth the fight to start living again.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:50 AM
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Thank you Jimmy Dean - Well said!
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