Thank you everyone. Looking through the threads itself has helped me feel strong! a ouple of people I have related to so closely but couldnt PM because I litereally just signed up today.
Where to begin. I fell pregnant at 18, I'm still with my daughters father 14 year on and we have two gorgeous daughters now. My husband has always been a heavy drinker. My mother and step father were heavy drinkers when I lived with them. And no I'm not looking for excuses. Anymore.
I started drinking heavily after my first child was born and couldn't get my husband to cut down. I rmember thinking (crazily) if you cant beat em join em, and effectively made a concious choice to be a drinker. Naturally it went from strength to strength. I have tried switching my drink of choice from wine to beer, because I didnt get so drunk on beer - apparently. I did, I just wanted to beleive otherwise. Perhaps the hangover was a little easier to deal with, but the result was always the same with either drink. For 5 years my husband and I and a friend of hours would drink 5 litres of wine a night, or a case of beer (24). This - every night.
Eventually we emigrated from South Africa to the UK and prior to the move I convinced myself that I would stop drinking in the UK because after all I was only drinking in South Africa because of the stress of living in fear of the crime here. What crap. My drinking continued. To the same capacity for the next 5 years.
We returned to South Africa in 2007 and by that time I had stopped drinking wine. Except on occasions. But I had stopped drinking wine. Ha ha - I have to laugh at my own niavete...
So we drank beer. Case after case after case. again every day. I knew it was a problem and so did my husband. He knew I had a problem. not him. I aksed him to help me by not bringing booze home (let it be said that I suffer minimal withdrawal symtoms). He said that he would never stop drinking and that I should just not drink if I didn't want it. Anyway needless to say, there was yet another excuse to continue this bahaviour. It was his fault because he refused to give up as well.
I woke up every day thinking I'm not going to drink today even if my husband brings it home. But the old demon came back. Well if you cant beat em join em.......
I actually feel guilty about all the blame I have put on my husband when I now realise that the choice has been mine and mine alone.
Things have started to go totally pear shaped. In 2008 my father in law shot during an armed robbery at a restaurant. He's fine now but Im ashamed to say that my husband and I were both two sheets to the wind when it happened. Thankfully not so far gone that we couldn't go to the hospital but none the less...
Then last year. The property we live on (I should explain that its a farm like property with lots of houses on it. including my mums house, the house we were living in and my in laws place) seem to come ünder attack.
4 men walked into my mothers house and held her and my brother at gun point. ransacked the house and - shall we just say did the worst that could be done to a woman was done to my mother while my brother could do nothing.
Needless to say my mother left the country and while she was negative for HIV she has since been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's going to be ok. But round about the time of the attack I didn't concern myself with my drinking. I just couldn't deal with this. I still can't.
Four weeks ago a friend and I went to visit my brother at his place. We were there for 15 minutes maybe and as he was opening the security gate to let us out 3 men came up the porch steps. He tried to close the gate but they shot him in the leg. Told us all to lie down and frisked us. Took a few things, tied us up and left. They didn't harm us other than shooting my brother in the leg. I thought I was never going to see my daughters again.
These things happen so suddenly. So so quickly. After the police had left and my brother was on his way to hospital drank up a storm - or rather continued drinking up a storm. I drank for the next 3 weeks as I usually would and then cracked up completely one night. Crying and hysterical.
The next morning I made an apointment with my Dr and the day after he nearly put me in hospital. My blood pressure was 180/112. My heart rate was racing.
I hadnt drank the night before to be sure that everything would be accurate.
He put me on beta blockers and anti anxiety meds.
Anyway I went home and started googling the meds which said I could drink in moderation and then it hit me like a tone of bricks. It's time. no more. If I am going to get through all this trauma and live I have to do it without drinking. I have to do it the right way. Drinking only compounds my anxiety and fearfulness and I just don't want it anymore.
Suddenly its all fallen into place. If my husband wants to drink then thats HIS choice. I am stopping - have stopped - for me and me alone.
That was 7 days ago. in the house there is 3/4 of a case of beer and 4 litres of wine. I haven't touched any. I have wanted to - but I have convinced myself that I can't drink on beta blockers and my heart will stop. I know thats not the case but still it helps.
I have told my girls that I am done. I can't let them down again. I can't let myself down.
Im never going to wake up with that sour taste in my mouth again. I'm never going to wake up drunk again. My husband may have noticed - but he hasn't said anything. I'm glad. I need to do this my way.
Thanks for listening and I hope to make some friends here.
Stay sober everyone.
xxx