February

Where to begin? Was last on here over a year ago, when I took down my account and changed my log in name because RAH found my account (I was dumb enough to use a name he would guess and I found that he was copying and pasting my posts to try to use them against me).

We have now been separated for 20 months, ever since he had a breakdown when he was drunk and almost shot himself on our D's bday. Leading up to the almost suicide he had been constantly drunk for over 3 months, since he had lost his last job. I left soon after his almost suicide, and he was committed for a week to a treatment center. Over the last 20 months we have been in a holding pattern: I don't file for divorce or child support in hopes things will get better. I work more than 40 hours a week, support our kids alone (except when he gives me money- 20 bucks a week or so started about a month ago), and feel miserable. Since June of 09 he has not had a job (just got one end of March- a guy with 2 college degrees a waiter!!!) He has not paid the house note or any other bill except to keep something from getting cut off. He wants to talk about how my abandonment of him has affected him and how detrimental it has been to his recovery- this sounds like blaming me for his problems and avoiding his issues.

Until about a month ago, RAH was in fact recovering- got to 18 months sober. About a week ago I smelled beer on his breath as he was leaving my house and I went inside and broke down in tears for over half an hour. The "reason" he drank again was that I said working on things with him was a mistake. This was ugly of me to say. I said it because I got angry when AH criticized me for not using my 2 college degrees appropriately- that 2 part time jobs was not good enough. This from a penniless guy with 2 degrees himself who was out of work a year and a half!

Like I said I have been gone for 20 months and have not gotten anywhere with myself. I have been to Al Anon meetings 2 times a week for long periods, but due to working 2 jobs, caring for 2 kids, and let's face it- sometimes fooling myself into thinking I had everything under control- I have not really worked the program well or gotten a sponsor.

I don't know why I am holding on. My AH stopped paying the mortgage over a year ago and by some miracle is still in the house. Guess it is the backlog of foreclosures. He has completely ruined my credit. I asked him over 18 months ago when I left, to focus on getting a job and showing responsibility, and then I would be more likely to feel safe about rebuilding a life with him. His response? That he should not have to jump through hoops for me. My love should not be conditional. I still waited, though, and here we are 20 months down the road. He finally got a job as a waiter about a month ago- the same time frame in which he began drinking.The kids live with me most of the time- they love AH to death but are also afraid of him- beg me not to tell him when they get into trouble because they fear his reaction.

Because of my financial situation I quit 2 part time jobs last year that I loved in order to take one I knew would stress me out (public school teacher), since my kids and I needed benefits and I wanted to rebuild retirement (AH cleaned ours out to live on during early recovery). I had a nervous breakdown after working in the public school for 3 months. Could not handle the pressure- getting there early, leaving late, taking home work with me. I am constantly trying to put too much on myself- perfect mom, housekeeper, money earner, etc... and I cannot do it. I carry around enormous guilt over not being able to give my kids the 2 parent healthy childhood I want them to have, and also spend too much time wondering what was so bad about me that someone loved beer more than he loved me. He almost always picked drinking alone over spending time with me! And now with him drinking again my hopes for things to get better are dashed. I wonder if he is the best I could ever get.

I dunno if u can follow this, I am rambling so much. I want things to get better for me and my kids but don't know how. I spent 3 months in intensive outpatient therapy back in the fall after my nervous breakdown, left the public school, and found 2 part time jobs to take its place. I am not as happy as I was a year ago. I am back to feeling out of control, even though I at least have enough money now. I am not sure how long I can hold up working 50 hour weeks and parenting 2 kids while he plays waiter and gets drunk again.

Complicating things considerably is that during the time I have been separated a man I once worked with became interested in me. I confided in him about my issues and he listened and made me feel so good about myself, and I really began to feel positive that at least one man out there would be healthy and good for me once I made my decision to stay or go from AH. WRONG Nothing physical happened but some mutual friends of ours assumed physical things were going on, and lost respect for both of us. This man was encouraging the friends to think in that direction, apparently. I discovered after a few months that this man seems to be a pathological liar who forgets what he has lied about and his stories keep changing. He will casually come out with shocking information such as having had a sexual relationship with a male college professor to avoid failing a class for cheating- and then change the details or deny telling me. He has threatened me with exposing some of my dirty laundry when I have tried to cut off contact. I finally called the cops on him and that made him leave me alone for a week. If I ignore him, he is constantly (supposedly) getting medical test results that indicate he is dying, and then does not die. Out of concern I usually call to check on him then feel colossally stupid. As I write this I am amazed at how sick this person is, and yet I still often accept his calls because I am dumb enough to believe that somewhere he cares about me!!! i also am amazed at how sick I must be to keep falling for it and let myself be controlled by threats.

I look in the mirror and ask myself how life got this way? I have 2 colleges degrees, I am reasonably nice, and okay looking....how did things become such a mess? If you can help me and can follow my ramblings, this is where I KNOW I need help:

***how can I move past the indecision about my AH? I have consulted with an attorney about a divorce 3 times now, most recently last week. All AH has to do is start flirting and be sweet (watch the kids, come over and clean my house, etc) and I begin to rethink things.

***How do I start to rebuild my self-esteem? I have the classic codie problem with trusting my own judgement, and look to the info I have given u on my previous decisions to prove to myself that I cannot be trusted to make good decisions.

***AM I wrong to expect AH to be more responsible before a relationship could happen? I don't think so but as I said I don't trust myself....

***What to do about the other guy who won't leave me alone?

Any advice from people who have been there appreciated. Look forward to getting to know you, hope it will help. Can't make it to the Al Anon meeting I like very often.